Joke of the Day
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nothing to do, so i decided to do a joke of the day that i will update everyday (hopefully) pls realise that these jokes are ripped from a quality site and pls do not reproduce them outside this forum. wat quality site u discover for urself.
joke for today.
A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.
An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough." -
A drunkard at the bar insults the lady next to him by saying, " Lady, u got small tits!" She poor woman, shocked and embarrassed, bursts into tears. the drunkard starts apologising and offers a remedy. "Lady," he says " go into the toilet and start rubbing ur tits wif toilet paper, they get huge that way" Astonished, the lady asks " How would that help???" the drunkard replies," Hell if i know, but it sure worked on ur ass."
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Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."
So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.
"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom.
Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK.'' -
After lunch, a bear and a rabbit decided to go for a stroll to walk off lunch. Evidently, a little exercise does help ease digestion as 20 minutes later, they found themselves crapping in a secluded part of the woods.
While doing their business, the bear had this burning question to ask his rabbit friend, but was too shy to pose it. However, the bear finally mustered up whatever courage he had and asked, "Hey... uh... there's something i really need to know about..."
"What is it?" the rabbit questioned, sensing a weird tone in his buddy's voice.
The bear took in a breath and then said, "Do you, like, get bothered when the fur gets stained with crap?"
The rabbit was surprised by the question, but hid his shock. "Maybe Mr Big Badass Bear of the forest is getting soft." he thought.
"Nah, of course not. It happens all the time, and cleanup is a piece of cake." the rabbit said. The bear thought about it, and said "Oh... uh, okay."
After a while, the bear, clearly unconvinced, asked again, "Really? I mean, isn't it gross, with the poo sticking to the fur like that?"
Growng impatient, the rabbit repeated his stand. "No, it doesn't bother me at all, it's just a lttle dirty, that's all!"
The bear was glad he could have this conversation, and proceeded to wipe his ass with the rabbit. -
DELETE THIS
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Delete the joke?
ITs quite funny wat.
I have one too.
Ah Seng and Friends - Ah Seng and his 2 good frens, Muthu and Ali decided to climb into a warehouse to chance upon a new pile of fresh goods that came in a few days back.
When they got into the warehouse, they saw stacks and stacks of gunny sacks, filled with plenty of potatoes!!! Ah Seng and his frens started to pull 2 bags each, slowly dragging them across the floor.
Suddenly, they heard footsteps and fearing the security guards, they each hid in a gunny sack lying against the wall with the other sacks of potatoes.
The security guards walked in and saw 6 bags of potatoes near the entrance. Fearing thieves, they walked around until they neared Ali~! Ali was terrified, but he remembered alot of cats around his neighbourhood. So he started meowing. The security guards heaved a sigh of relief and walked to the other bag, this time, with Ah Seng in IT~! Ah Seng, was quick and remembered his dog at home. He started to bark. The security guards heaved another sigh of relief and walked towards the bag WITH MUTHU!
Muthu started to think and think. What can he impersonate? Finally, he smiled as he remembered what they were in for. Without any further hesitation, he said loudly "POTATO..POTATO..."
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A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter." -
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
"Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" -
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.''' -
A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?" -
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!" -
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.
And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.” -
our guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday." -
After a hiatus, joke of the day is back as a sticky.
In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?" "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about." -
These 2 guys have to stay at a hotel. Their not gay, they are good friends. So they were all sweaty from the trip so they decided to to take a bath. Of course they shared a room. There was a bathroom and 2 separate showers with curtains and all that. Then one of them said "Where's the soap?" and the other guy said " I left it outside with our luggage". Since he was already a bit wet he didn't want to put on his clothes again so he went out naked. So he went out and found the 2 bars of soap in his luggage and started back towards the room. Suddenly 3 woman started walking down the hall. Of course he didn't want them to see him naked so he posed as a statue. The 3 women saw him and started discussing about how life like it was. One of them snickered and walked towards the naked man, and pulls his penis. Of course in pain he drops the bar of soap. And the woman smiles and says hey neat its a soap dispenser. So the next woman comes up and pulls it even harder. And of course in extreme pain with out saying anything he drops the second bar of soap. Then the last one comes up and pulls lightly and says "hey its not working" so she keeps pulling. Then finally she says "Hey I got liquid soap!"
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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that, she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your fucking attitude changes!"
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Forgetful Tommy's dad had a hang over so he asked his son to go to the doctors and get a prescription for some strepsils.when the kid was walking to the doctors he is reminding himself that he needs strepsils " strepsils strepsils strepsils" then he bumps into a tree and he forgets what he needs so he starts saying sexpills "sexpills sexpills sexpills" .He gets to the docters and says docter my dad needs some sexpills because he is having some trouble.The docter says ok here you go,tell your dad he has to take 1 every 4 hours. on the way home he say to himself 1 every 4 hours "1 every 4 1 every 4 1 every 4" he bumps in to a tree and starts saying 4 every 1 hour "4 every 1 hour 4 every 1 hour 4 every 1 hour" the next day he sees the doctor in the shops and the doctor asks how his dad is going the kid replies "my mum is dead, my sister is pregnant, i've got a sore ass and we can't find the cat.
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A deserter soldier was running down a road escaping from two
Military police.
He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He
asked her "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs
came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, "He went that way".
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her
skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said she understood. The GI said,
"I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the
most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen!
I don't want to go to Iraq either!" -
Cybersex....
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby? -
This is so funny
Keep the jokes rolling
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$500 Porsche
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.
"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."
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A Husband's Moment of Realization
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."