Football Laughs
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The United and City Car Crash Joke
A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.
"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the City fan "I agree" replies the United fan
The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.
"Look" he says to the united fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"
He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.
"Aren't you having any?" asks the United fan. "No" replied the City fan, "I think IÂ’ll wait til the Police get here." -
A very old joke:
Q. Which 3 football teams have an expletive in their names?
A. Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F***ing Man United.
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who the hell is baba?
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I'll try to ensure the next one I post will not be about Man U...
Maths made easy with Manchester United
From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign:
1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.
2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?
3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.
4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?
(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)
4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?
5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?
6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box?
(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)
6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.
7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?
(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).
8. Alex had a hotel room booked in Glasgow for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?
9. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area?
(Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)
10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am I talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).
11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?
12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Real Madrid were a pushover. -
I had to search hard for a joke that doesn't involve Man U...
Divorce Case
A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child.
In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.
"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"
"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"
"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your Father?"
"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"
The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"
"I'd like to live with the West Brom Football Club" the boy replied quickly.
"Why on earth would you want to live with the West Brom Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.
"Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone" -
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Now that I kept my word....
Whip Lashings
A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Liverpool fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. "The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Please tie the Man Utd fan to my back." -
Prediction
Watford are being predicted to stay in the premership for three seasons...
Autumn, Winter and Spring. -
The original joke referred to Fergie (and I do detest him), but I think Jose is more appropriate now...
Jose vs. God
Q: What's the difference between Jose Mourinho and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Jose Mourinho.