Jokes in the Kingdom of Death
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Good way to avoid the ticketOriginally posted by windjammer:SPEEDING
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and the following exchange occurs:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the owner and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a body in the trunk?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It is valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun? What gun? There's no gun in there.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: I said what???
And of course, there is no body in the trunk.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!
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BLIND MAN
There was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" -
24 HOURS TO LIVE
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Mary that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,he
asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Mary agreed and again they made love.Later, Dave was getting into bed
when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Mary's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please?Just one more time
before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.eft! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to
get up in the morning! You don't." -
FREE SEX
The owner of a gasoline station in Tattnall County,
Georgia was trying to increase his sales, so he put up
a billboard showing "FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP!"
Soon a local young man, Jim filled his tank, and then
asked for his free sex.
The owner told him "pick a number from 1 to 10; if
you pick the right number, you will get your free
sex." Jim picked the number 8, and the gas station
owner said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry,
no sex this time."
A week later Jim, along with his buddy Bill, pulled
into the station. Jim filled his gas tank, and again
asked for his free sex. The station owner gave him the
same story again, and asked him to guess a
number. This time, Jim guessed 2. The station owner
said, "Sorry, the correct number was 3. You were
close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away from the gasoline station,
Jim said to Bill, "I think that game is rigged, and he
doesn't really give away free sex."
Bill replied, "No it ain't rigged Jim. My wife won
twice last week." -
PAY YOUR BILLS
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous boobs but he knew the penalty for this
would be death.
One day, at the kingdom's inn, he revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could (eventually) arrange for
Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire but it would cost him
1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the
scheme,realising that 1000 was cheap to nuzzle the queen's mammaries.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's bra (in her chamber) while she
bathed in the bathroom along the corridor.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only special
saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch.
Further, he announced, he had done tests throughout the kingdom and
they had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure such an itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder which he quickly put into his mouth, and, for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent boobs.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved and Nick the Dragon Slayer
left both satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio The Physician demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have
cared less, and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report
this matter to the King sent him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the front of the King's underpants. The King
immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The Moral of the Story? - PAY YOUR BILLS! -
SHIT
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. ......So let's
chat."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy,
"What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass, right ? Yet
the deer excretes little pellets ; the cow turns out a flat patty, and
the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is? "
The guy is dumbfounded.
Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't even know Shit? -
Originally posted by windjammer:SHIT
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. ......So let's
chat."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy,
"What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass, right ? Yet
the deer excretes little pellets ; the cow turns out a flat patty, and
the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is? "
The guy is dumbfounded.
Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't even know Shit?