Jokes in the Kingdom of Death
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Since i am the court jester here my sole responsibility is to make the royal family laugh up to my best ability...here goes the jokes...
What makes 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100% ?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
And look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
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Making Breakfast
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband one morning. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. Too MANY! Turn them over. Turn them over NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get more BUTTER!? Great! Now they're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry UP! Are you crazy? Have you lost your MIND? Don't forget to salt them. You KNOW you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. The SALT! Use the SALT!"
His wife just stared at him. "What in the hell is the matter with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving." -
Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!" -
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SYSTEM UPGRADE - HELP!!!
Dear Tech Support (Male Version),
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Card Night 10.3, Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications, I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me PLEASE!
Dear User,
This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an "OPERATING SYSTEM" and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding general partner faults (GPF). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "ESC" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Oh and one more thing. Avoid borrowing other people's older Girlfriend programmes because some have undetectable viruses in them. These viruses can spread via your hard drive or floppy disk and affect your Wife 1.0 operating system so badly that you may end up having to purchase a completely new computer and operating system.
Dear Tech Support (Female Version),
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Hot-sex 1.0 and Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Desperate Wife.
Dear Desperate Wife,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1 -
nice oneOriginally posted by windjammer:Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!" 
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HAHAHA!!!!Originally posted by InnoHippo:nice one
Glad you enjoy it. -
Good sia
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thank you my prince...Originally posted by deathscythe99:Good sia
least my efforts din go to waste.. -
got this from email also....
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thumbs up*
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aiyoOriginally posted by windjammer:Making Breakfast
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband one morning. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. Too MANY! Turn them over. Turn them over NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get more BUTTER!? Great! Now they're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry UP! Are you crazy? Have you lost your MIND? Don't forget to salt them. You KNOW you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. The SALT! Use the SALT!"
His wife just stared at him. "What in the hell is the matter with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving."
i committed that......but then my hubby also like that le.....that's y i now refuse to drive....prefer to be passenger mah ....ha ha ha
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good work jester wind.....
keep it up...good place for a good laugh.... -
Hmmz...I hate it when ppl start commenting lorOriginally posted by a_splash:aiyo
i committed that......but then my hubby also like that le.....that's y i now refuse to drive....prefer to be passenger mah ....ha ha ha
I new driver, but doesn't mean I dunno how to drive!
Just that I drive a lil' faster
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thank you my princess...Originally posted by a_splash:good work jester wind.....
keep it up...good place for a good laugh....
it makes my day... -
prince of death kingdom.....Originally posted by deathscythe99:Hmmz...I hate it when ppl start commenting lor
I new driver, but doesn't mean I dunno how to drive!
Just that I drive a lil' faster
bo pian lah,.....its actually very stress to be passenger u know....esp when u have obtained the paper cert to drive......
sometimes i wish i din have that paper.....i will be a better passenger....more relax -
my prince...they will stop eventually wan...Originally posted by deathscythe99:Hmmz...I hate it when ppl start commenting lor
I new driver, but doesn't mean I dunno how to drive!
Just that I drive a lil' faster -
Stress to be the passenger when I am the driver ah...Originally posted by a_splash:prince of death kingdom.....
bo pian lah,.....its actually very stress to be passenger u know....esp when u have obtained the paper cert to drive......
sometimes i wish i din have that paper.....i will be a better passenger....more relax
Hmmz....sianz....I dun comment on how others drive leh -
Bunny and Bob
Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual kinkiness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe.
Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe.
"Are you Bob?" asked Bunny.
"Yes I am," said Bob.
"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me you were tall, dark and handsome."
"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red. "You told me you were skinny, blonde, and female!" -
Hole
There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"
They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?" -
THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF:
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course.
Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.** -
WIFE
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all
washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Britain. He boasted that he told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything.....
the second day he didn't see anything.....
but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. -
DATING PROCESS :
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I
can stay up by myself. -
AH LIAN BUY STOCKING
Ah Lian went to the Emporium to look for knee-high stockings and approached a salesgirl.
Ah Lian: Li wu buay stocking kao knee boh? (Do you sell stockings
reaching the knee?)
Salesgirl: Kao nee? Kao yeo, wu. Boh kao nee eh! (Up to the Breasts
("nee")? Up to the waist, got. Don't have up to the Breasts, one!)
Ah Lian, realising her mistake, quickly corrected herself: Mm si tng
nang eh 'nee'... si ang-mor eh 'knee'!
(means: not Chinese 'nee'... English 'knee'! But actually sounds like:
Not Chinese Breasts... I mean Caucasian Breasts!) -
SPEEDING
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and the following exchange occurs:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the owner and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a body in the trunk?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It is valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun? What gun? There's no gun in there.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: I said what???
And of course, there is no body in the trunk.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!
