*JOKES*
-
Blond joke.
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers." -
Car Theft
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He
parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular
saleswoman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she
happily greeted him. But he wanted to look around alone before requiring her
help, so she let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I
just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!" -
Grass Eating
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He
asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the
lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under
that tree".
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car large as
the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass
is almost 1 metre high!" -
All in the family
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The
operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was
reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his
hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay
here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster
nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are
married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my
brother-in-law." -
Russian style partying
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle that's
lying in the street. Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you
one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally
the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me pee
vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home, he gets a glass
out of the cupboard and urinates into it. He looks at the glass and it's
clear -- it looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid - it smells like
vodka. So he tastes it and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes
running down the hall, so the Russian takes another glass out of the
cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink and that it is vodka.
Natasha is reluctant, but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka
that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night, the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee into the two glasses.
The result is the same; the vodka is excellent and they drink until the sun
comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass
from the cupboard and that they will drink vodka. She gets the glass, but
asks him why they only need one glass.
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from
the bottle." -
Science Class
One day at school, the science teacher decided that she would teach about
the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if
you could have one raw element in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more
than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up
and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!" -
Dangerous Church
In a small southern town, Billy Joe shows up at the doctor's office at 2:00
p.m. one Sunday afternoon with several bruises on his face.
The doctor says, "Another barroom brawl, eh Billy Joe?"
"No!" answers Billy Joe. "This happened in church!"
"In church? What happened?" asks the doctor.
Billy Joe says, "Well, I went to church and sat in the pew. Then a real big
fat woman sits in the pew in front of me. We get up to sing, and I see that
her dress is stuck up the crack of her butt, so I pulled it out for her.
Then she whopped me with her purse."
The doctor treats his wounds and warns him not to do that again.
A week later, on Sunday afternoon, Billy Joe is back at the doctor's office,
bruised worse than before. The doctor said, "Now this must have come from
your friends at the bar, right Billy Joe?"
Billy Joe looks sadly into the doctor's eyes and cries, "No! No! This
happened in church again!" Extremely puzzled, the doctor asks for the
explanation.
Billy Joe says, "I went to church and sat in the pew. My friend John Boy
comes in and sits down next to me. Then comes this same big fat woman again,
and she sits in the pew in front of us. We get up to sing, and her dress is
stuck up the back of her butt again."
The doctor says, "Oh no, Billy. You didn't pull it out again! Didn't you
learn your lesson last week?"
"No, no, Doc, I didn't pull it out," replies Billy Joe. "John Bob did. And
knowing how much she doesn't like that, I tried to push it back in for her!" -
guys... feel free to contribute some jokes if u haf... thankx !!
-
Originally posted by carpe diem jur:Russian style partying
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle that's
lying in the street. Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you
one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally
the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me pee
vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home, he gets a glass
out of the cupboard and urinates into it. He looks at the glass and it's
clear -- it looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid - it smells like
vodka. So he tastes it and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes
running down the hall, so the Russian takes another glass out of the
cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink and that it is vodka.
Natasha is reluctant, but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka
that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night, the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee into the two glasses.
The result is the same; the vodka is excellent and they drink until the sun
comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass
from the cupboard and that they will drink vodka. She gets the glass, but
asks him why they only need one glass.
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from
the bottle."
tao yan..
-
Rotflmao..Originally posted by carpe diem jur:Dangerous Church
In a small southern town, Billy Joe shows up at the doctor's office at 2:00
p.m. one Sunday afternoon with several bruises on his face.
The doctor says, "Another barroom brawl, eh Billy Joe?"
"No!" answers Billy Joe. "This happened in church!"
"In church? What happened?" asks the doctor.
Billy Joe says, "Well, I went to church and sat in the pew. Then a real big
fat woman sits in the pew in front of me. We get up to sing, and I see that
her dress is stuck up the crack of her butt, so I pulled it out for her.
Then she whopped me with her purse."
The doctor treats his wounds and warns him not to do that again.
A week later, on Sunday afternoon, Billy Joe is back at the doctor's office,
bruised worse than before. The doctor said, "Now this must have come from
your friends at the bar, right Billy Joe?"
Billy Joe looks sadly into the doctor's eyes and cries, "No! No! This
happened in church again!" Extremely puzzled, the doctor asks for the
explanation.
Billy Joe says, "I went to church and sat in the pew. My friend John Boy
comes in and sits down next to me. Then comes this same big fat woman again,
and she sits in the pew in front of us. We get up to sing, and her dress is
stuck up the back of her butt again."
The doctor says, "Oh no, Billy. You didn't pull it out again! Didn't you
learn your lesson last week?"
"No, no, Doc, I didn't pull it out," replies Billy Joe. "John Bob did. And
knowing how much she doesn't like that, I tried to push it back in for her!" -
Which hole?
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!" -
What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats. -
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
*stares in horror at jur jur larling* -
what She Really Means...
I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important! -
-
Dress to kill
-
hanor hanor !!! very true leh....Originally posted by Gackt247:What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats. -
hiak hiak hiak !!! wat a clean job...Originally posted by Gackt247:The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
*stares in horror at jur jur larling* -
Larling.. u know i like things messy..Originally posted by carpe diem jur:hiak hiak hiak !!! wat a clean job...
-
yeah... i lurve ur pig-sty...Originally posted by Gackt247:Larling.. u know i like things messy.. -
Shh.. larling.. dun reveal tt u visit my home regularly.. scandalous leh..Originally posted by carpe diem jur:yeah... i lurve ur pig-sty... -
The following are supposedly true bloopers found in church bulletins:
* Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
* Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* For those of you who have children and didn't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
* Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice. 
-
Ceiling fan
A guy had his greatest dream of flying a helicopter. One day, he struck lottery and was able to fulfil his dream. He engaged in a flying course. After months of intensive training, he was finally given permission to fly on his own. So up he goes, 1000 feet...2000 feet, nothing happened. Then when he reached 3000 feet, the helicopter came down and crashed.
"So what happened at 3000 feet?" inquired the instructor.
"Well, its getting too cold up there and I turned off the ceiling fan" -
Profession Jokes : Musician
*dedicated to laling jur jur.. hehehe.. *
What's the definition of an optimist?
A folk musician with a mortgage.
What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.
What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend?
Homeless!
What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
"Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano?"
"I can't see the agony of the audience."
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call someone who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?
A drummer.
"Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician."
"Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both." -
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."