Six steps to anger management
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Six Steps to Anger Management
Instead of reacting with rage, Buddhist teacher Lama Surya Das says to take a sacred pause and transform your life.
BY: Lama Surya Das
Excerpted from "Buddha Is As Buddha Does; The Ten Original Practices for Enlightened Living," (HarperSanFrancisco, 2007). Reprinted with permission.
Patience means not retaliating with anger for anger, or harm for harm, and voluntarily bearing up under difficulties in order to progress on the path of spiritual awakening. How do we actually do this? How do we slow down our conditioned, knee-jerk reactions while speeding up and sharpening our conscious, mindful, moment-to-moment, awareness? How do we broaden the gap between stimulus and response so that we have time to give the situation a proper amount of consideration? This takes clarity, resolve, meditation, and practice.
I call this gap the Sacred Pause, because it is the only possible source of peace and harmony in our interactions with people or events. By consciously minding and utilizing the Sacred Pause, we can master ourselves and assert leverage over our clumsy, semiconscious, often unwarranted conditioned reactions. Begin the process by taking a deep breath, smiling, and relaxing.
Much of the accumulated pressure and tension may begin to dissipate right away, thus providing more space and clarity for mindful work. Breathe, smile, relax, and center yourself. Then apply what I call the Six Steps to Anger Management, which also could be called steps to mindfulness, freedom, and authentic responsiveness. Collectively, they are like cool, fresh breaths of mindful awareness that can help you let go of negativity and keep you from falling into regrettable outcomes. To remember these steps, think of them as the six R’s:
- Recognizing: Noticing with objective equanimity a familiar stimulus—like harsh words—that pushes a hot button for you, triggering an unskillful retaliatory response.
- Recollecting: remembering the disadvantages of returning anger with anger, negative with negative, and the advantages of practicing patience, forbearance, tolerance, and acceptance.
- Refraining by restraining and reframing: seeing things from alternative points of view, including that of your antagonist (if the situation involves a button-pushing person); cultivating compassion; acknowledging the law of karma (what goes around comes around); and considering the situation an opportunity to develop patience or the person a teacher who can help you do this.
- Relinquishing: letting go of habitual reactivity and impulsive urges in favor of more consciously chosen and intelligent courses of action.
- Reconditioning: Going back over what you have done and learned so far—the entire dynamic—to help you substitute a healthier response process for your old knee-jerk conditioning. Repetition is crucial.
- Responding: Addressing the person or situation patiently, appropriately, intelligently, and proactively (rather than reactively). Let spiritual intelligence be your guide.
Applying the Six Steps of Anger Management is an adult version of kindergarten’s counting to ten in order to give yourself time to think before you act. Keep in mind that it is not other people or external circumstances that determine our karma, our character, our experience, and our destiny. It is how we relate to these other people and circumstances that makes all the difference. It is not what happens to us but what we make of it that makes all the difference; this is the secret of autonomy and spiritual self-mastery. The gift of patience is truly the gift of yourself, but not in any way that diminishes you, the giver. Instead, you share your strength with someone and become stronger yourself in the process.
Please keep in mind these wise words on patience from the Dalai Lama: When we talk about patience or tolerance, we should understand that there are many degrees, starting from a simple tolerance, such as being able to bear a certain amount of heat and cold, progressing toward the highest level of patience, which is the type of patience and tolerance found in the great practitioners, the bodhisattvas. One should not see tolerance of patience as a sign of weakness, but rather as a sign of strength coming from a deep ability to remain steadfast and firm. We find that even in being able to tolerate a certain degree of physical hardship, like a hot or cold climate, out attitude makes a big difference.
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Manage Anger with Meditation Practices -oddsockUsing Buddhism Teachings for Dealing With Anger
Anger Management Techniques and Tips from Buddhism Books and Leaders
Anger is a common but negative emotion that can cause the angry person a great deal of mental and physical harm. Managing anger is important if one is to lead a life that is healthy and happy.
Buddhism places great emphasis on dealing with anger in order to experience happiness. Here are some anger management techniques and tips from Buddhism books and Buddhist leaders.
Anger Management Tips from the Dalai Lama
The Dalai Lama has spoken and written extensively on managing anger and changing one’s attitude to that of compassion. Anger, according to His Holiness, may well be considered to be a sign of weakness rather than strength simply because angry people often lose the rationale and insight needed to act carefully.
Stop Tantrums in 3 Steps How I stopped the defiance, lying, backtalk and outbursts in 3 stepswww.ParentLearningClub.comMS Project 2007 Training Manage Projects On Time, On Budget Get Best Techniques of Project 2007 Intellisoft.com.sg/ProjectMgmtIn his book The Compassionate Life, His Holiness writes, “Compassion is by nature gentle, peaceful, and soft, but it is also very powerful. It gives us inner strength and allows us to be patient.” Acting in a manner that is patient and reasonable is, according to His Holiness, a much wiser and stronger way of dealing with any situation or problem.
In 365: Daily Advice from the Heart, the Dalai Lama writes that just as one acts to overcome illiteracy and ignorance, it is important to act to deal with anger as well. Moreover, while one may not be able to overcome anger completely, every little step taken in a positive direction makes a difference. He further writes, “Avoid as far as possible any situation that provokes you to violent reactions. If you react despite this, try not to get carried away.”
His Holiness also advises that managing anger does not mean putting up with injustice and violence. Rather it means dealing with such difficult situations and fighting against them, but “without any hatred for those who perpetrate it.” He recommends that when one feels angry instead of focusing on the provoking object, one should think or focus on something or someone that is calming, loving and peace-inducing.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s Way of Dealing with Anger
The Vietnamese Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh offers a deep and profound way of managing anger. In Being Peace, Hanh writes that when one is angry, one must meditate to be aware of that anger, and then meditate and act to convert that energy into something constructive. According to Hanh, “Meditation on your anger is first of all to produce awareness of anger, “I am the anger,” and then to look deeply into the nature of anger.”
Meditation, in other words, is an effective anger management technique and that can aid in the identification and acceptance of anger. Meditation is also an effective tool for transforming negative, angry energy into a positive, constructive reaction. One does not have to be a Buddhist to practice meditation. All it requires is sitting quietly and reflecting on what one is feeling and experiencing and then, working to transform negative into positive.
The Nichiren Buddhist Approach to Anger Management
Nichiren Buddhism teachings too offer useful anger management techniques and tips. Hochswender, Martin and Morino in The Buddha in Your Mirror suggest using the Buddhist practice of looking within oneself to find a solution and defuse a volatile situation. The authors write that through chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, “we gain the wisdom and life force…” and are able to transform a state of anger and respond in a way that is compassionate and produces value.
So, Nichiren Buddhists believe in looking within one’s own self and take responsibility for changing angry reactions into positive, compassionate ones. Nichiren Buddhism believes that since it is not easy to change the behavior of other people, what can be changed easily is one’s reaction to them.
Anger as an emotion is not only negative for the mind but can also harm the body and the soul. Angry people rarely eat or sleep well and are constantly uneasy. Try using these Buddhism practices of meditation and reflection in order to manage anger and lead a life that is peaceful, happy and stress-free.
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One can never be rid of nor control 'one's emotions (clouds). The anguish/anxiety/anger ....(add on), is not from the circumstance/event/situation but cos of the identification with that particular emotion and reacting from what has been identified and accumulated in one's memory bank (the mind).
Also, trying to control is unhealthy and unwise - at most one is merely suppressing or one pursues 'sth' else to distract oneself or suppress it. It's relegated to one's 'memory' bank of the mind (Ego) or if u will, the subconscious - it will sooner or later erupt like a volcano!
However, when one acknowledges, understands, accepts and knows ( n being cognizant) that all emotions are akin to the 'passing clouds' and behind the clouds is the real me (the clear sky) one can handle oneself differently if not better.
The emotion is the 'movie' (it passes n ends like all movies do) and the 'screen' is the real thing. Just watching the emotions and being aware that it is there n not impulsively acting on it will eventually transform one and by that i mean inner transformation.
PS : If it resonates of u or with u 'good' otherwise lump it
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If one has awareness of anger, upon triggering, the quickening or arousal , increasing impatience, building up of retaliatory mood and finally outburst.
When anger arises, suppressing is counterproductive, as dissatisfaction will bound to culminate and unleash itself when triggered.
If one able to be aware of the rising of anger,the different phases, although we can not eradicate it. We can acknowledge or alert ourselves, and transform the quickening to heightened awareness and motivation to act in a constructive manner.
One, of course have to know what is helpful and constructive as opposed to unhelpful and destructive.
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Anger arises due to various reasons and past lives as well.
Mainly because - for Buddhists, they harbours Buddhism in them. For non Buddhists, they do not have Buddhism in them. :DAmitofo
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i have heard and read a lot of such things from buddhists or christians or otherwise. but then i have never met someone who can do it.
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sorry, i have met one. my former colleague, an indian. he is the one and only person i know who can control himself. but he did tell of his frustrations and anger after the fact.
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You see what a cult Buddhism has become!They no longer teach morality but those psychologic phonies doctrines.
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Originally posted by dragg:
i have heard and read a lot of such things from buddhists or christians or otherwise. but then i have never met someone who can do it.
The rise of emotions like anger, greed,desires is due to attachment toward things, the less one becomes attached to the object of emotion, the less we are affected of it.
Branding oneself a Buddhist does not make one free from the affliction of attachment, practising Buddhism does,being mindful, letting go etc.
Observing the precepts although it does not stop us from being affected by our emotions, it does prevent us from harming ourselves and others.
Most of us have some clinging or other, causing unhappiness to ourselves and others, with each letting go, there is one less object to cause us unhappiness, eg. anger.
The key word is vigilance, or mindfulness.
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Originally posted by Lobangs:
You see what a cult Buddhism has become!They no longer teach morality but those psychologic phonies doctrines.
You are wrong! When you seek the Three Refuges, you observe the Five Precepts, there are more:-
One the main things about Buddhism is Buddhist tend not to be pushy, shouty or self righteous about it.
Buddhist Precepts
To be a Buddhist, one take refuge in the Triple Gems. The Buddha, The Dhamma, The Sangha for one's direction. Devotion is not the main path in Buddhist belief, but practice of good morality. All Buddhists are encouraged to observe Buddhist Precepts, that can be in five, eight or ten. The practice of precepts help to cultivate compassion, generosity, contentment, truthfulness and mindfulness. Every Buddhists should try to observe at least FIVE PRECEPTS in order to elevate himself morally and spiritually.
Buddhist Five Main Precepts (PANCA SILA)Panati-pata veramani sikkha padam samadiyami
Adinna-dana veramani sikkhi padam samadiyami
Musavada veramani sikkha padam samadiyami
Kamesu miccha~cara veramani sikkha padam samadiyami
Sura meraya-maija-pama~datthana veramani sikkha padam samadiyami1. Refrain From Killing2. Refrain From Stealing3. Refrain From Lying, Slandering, Gossiping and Spreading Rumours4. Refrain From Sexual Misconduct5. Refrain From Taking Intoxicants
1. Refrain From Killing
2. Refrain from Stealing
3. Refrain from Lying, Slandering, Gossiping and Spreading Rumours
4. Refrain from Sexual Misconduct
5. Refrain from Taking IntoxicantsBuddhist Eight Precepts
In many Buddhist countries, devout Buddhists observe the EIGHT PRECEPTS on Full Moon and New Moon days. They spend 24 hours in the temple from early the morning to break away from this material and sensual world. The idea is to withdraw from our daily life of hustle and bustle to cultivate spiritual development, self training and peace of mind.
1. Abstain from Taking Life.
2. Abstain from Stealing.
3. Abstain from Speaking unnecessary.
4. Abstain from Sexual Activity.
5. Abstain from Taking Intoxicants.
6. Abstain from Taking meals at inappropriate time.
7. Abstain from Entertaining, Dancing, Singing, Use of beauty products & perfumes.
8. Abstain from Seating on high and luxurious chairs and beds.
The 10 Rules and 75 Precepts of Samanera (Novice Monk)
SAMANERASIKKHA
These Ten Precepts are to be observed at all time:
1. Refrain from taking lives.
2. Refrain from taking what is not given.
3. Refrain from un-chastity.
4. Refrain from speaking false speeches.
5. Refrain from taking intoxicants
6. Refrain from taking food at inappropriate time.
7. Refrain from dancing, singing playing music and watching entertainment programs.
8. Refrain from using perfume, cosmetics, wearing of garland.
9. Refrain from using high chairs and sleeping on luxurious bed.
10. Refrain from accepting gold and silver (money)
On top of the 10 strict precepts, samaneras also have to observe 75 rules, which are also observed by bhikkhus (full-fledge monk)
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Spirit is herenow, existential! how to cultivate spirituality? Can kindness be cultivated? Can Grace be cultivated? Spirit is beyond mind and how then does this idea of morals come in? Must be the mind deluding itself! Amazing how the human mind is a poor squirrel trapped in a cage - simply going round and round. How can one be organized (bound by beliefs) and yet be spiritual?
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Originally posted by Fugazzi:
Spirit is herenow, existential! how to cultivate spirituality? Can kindness be cultivated? Can Grace be cultivated? Spirit is beyond mind and how then does this idea of morals come in? Must be the mind deluding itself! Amazing how the human mind is a poor squirrel trapped in a cage - simply going round and round. How can one be organized (bound by beliefs) and yet be spiritual?
Awareness
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My problem in anger management is the person's face. Usually if i get angry but the person has a face which is not too 'qianbian' then i can hold back the fumes. Otherwise i just fired off.
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If one is aware why the need to have all these precepts - is it not a contradiction? Awareness is indifference to the mind's .... Precepts are conditional, imposed and anything existential is beginningless and endless. The past and the future comes in the moment precepts come in. So how can awareness cultivate ...?
Grace, kindness are a by-product of being aware, one's meditative state of being .... one's being choicelessly aware of what is, not a result.
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Originally posted by Fugazzi:
If one is aware why the need to have all these precepts - is it not a contradiction? Awareness is indifference to the mind's .... Precepts are conditional, imposed and anything existential is beginningless and endless. The past and the future comes in the moment precepts come in. So how can awareness cultivate ...?
Grace, kindness are a by-product of being aware, one's meditative state of being .... one's being choicelessly aware of what is, not a result.
One see through muddy eyes of delusion and believes "I" is real, everything is "real", one does'nt know that one is living a dream, everything is impermanent.
Depending on the individual's karma, awareness can be gradual or instantaneous. An "average" person can start with examination of precepts and no precepts, as and when occasion rises . Precepts is an observation of being aware of one's relation to one's surroundings, in this instance, one's community.
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Originally posted by troublemaker2005:
My problem in anger management is the person's face. Usually if i get angry but the person has a face which is not too 'qianbian' then i can hold back the fumes. Otherwise i just fired off.
What do 'qianbian' mean ?
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Originally posted by Weychin:
What do 'qianbian' mean ?
æ¬ æ‰�. the come-beat-me look. -
sorry i know this is a religious forum, more like it should be open for more logical discussion. However i find that some people are so calm and composed when talking to you, and i hate it when they do it this way, or act like they are some expert or vey holy, sincere and courteous in their manerism. Worse is their face. on the whole when yo feel like punching them at it its called 'qianbian'.
i can control my feelings and anger, but usually i choose not to. I don;t threat anyone like i am a godly saint, but selective ones i will do. i hate my personality. i hate being a sales guy. becasue i can hide my feelings so well if i choose to i know i will be one damn good sales person. however i cannot live with the guilt and lies i will say if i go into sales. i don;t wish for a Paradise, just not too much hurt in Hell.
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Originally posted by troublemaker2005:
sorry i know this is a religious forum, more like it should be open for more logical discussion. However i find that some people are so calm and composed when talking to you, and i hate it when they do it this way, or act like they are some expert or vey holy, sincere and courteous in their manerism. Worse is their face. on the whole when yo feel like punching them at it its called 'qianbian'.
i can control my feelings and anger, but usually i choose not to. I don;t threat anyone like i am a godly saint, but selective ones i will do. i hate my personality. i hate being a sales guy. becasue i can hide my feelings so well if i choose to i know i will be one damn good sales person. however i cannot live with the guilt and lies i will say if i go into sales. i don;t wish for a Paradise, just not too much hurt in Hell.
Thanks for explanation ! Now I understand what "qian bian" means, it meant literally deserves to be beaten !
As I get older, I tend to see people less and less to have "qian bian". look. Sometimes, we have frustrations suppressed inside of us due to work, for you, people with the holier than thou outlook triggers and releases your anger.
We all have issues, as long as they are unresolved, we will continue to affected by them. If it is so easy to solve or let go, this world is going to be paradise!
Your's may be related to your livelihood, so not easily solved. Why must you hate yourself, you're just being you. You just need to understand what is causing you unhappiness.
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Originally posted by dragg:
æ¬ æ‰�. the come-beat-me look.Thanks!
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The other day, someone posted something about "mudita", about being grateful for oneself, or something along the line.
I saw a posting of Thich Nhat Hanh video in this forum, which impressed me by the simplicity and effective of the practice. What serenity!
Perhaps, someone may show more of such example.
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Originally posted by Weychin:
Thanks for explanation ! Now I understand what "qian bian" means, it meant literally deserves to be beaten !
As I get older, I tend to see people less and less to have "qian bian". look. Sometimes, we have frustrations suppressed inside of us due to work, for you, people with the holier than thou outlook triggers and releases your anger.
We all have issues, as long as they are unresolved, we will continue to affected by them. If it is so easy to solve or let go, this world is going to be paradise!
Your's may be related to your livelihood, so not easily solved. Why must you hate yourself, you're just being you. You just need to understand what is causing you unhappiness.
as i grow older and older i tends to take things easier. But i will never show a good face and attitude towatds 'qianbian' people. I wish i can quickly reach 55 then probably i can do what i really want to carefree and without worries. I can already see what i wish to do and i really like it. there are just so many hypocrites in this world and i think the desire for a Paradise in mankind was indeed possible. The only hinderance is mankind themselves. -
Originally posted by troublemaker2005:
as i grow older and older i tends to take things easier. But i will never show a good face and attitude towatds 'qianbian' people. I wish i can quickly reach 55 then probably i can do what i really want to carefree and without worries. I can already see what i wish to do and i really like it. there are just so many hypocrites in this world and i think the desire for a Paradise in mankind was indeed possible. The only hinderance is mankind themselves.As we learn to let go, we tend to be less unhappy.
Who knows, when you retire, when you have the leisure of idling, you may look for these people for amusement !
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The only hinderance is mankind themselves. No lah, the only barrier is the ''self'' encroaching on what is.
The madness of one is neurosis. The madness of many is organized religion - a delusion.
