Catholic Jokes
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Use this thread to post jokes related to Catholics and Catholicism, or heard at Mass.
This first list is from an American context - enjoy, anyway.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: a medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. -
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PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant and late parishioners looking for seats.
WAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAA
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. -
Quite good.
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This is an old one
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and set it free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day. -
Kyrie Eleison
Prerequisite: Angelus Lv.2.
This skill is mastered at Lv.10.
Cast a barrier on a targeted player that will have an amount of HP equal to the character`s Max HP. This barrier will last a maximum of 2 minutes, and the number of attacks that it can withstand is affected by this skill`s level. The barrier is unaffected when attacks miss or when the shielded character performs perfect dodges. If the barrier receives an amount of damage greater than its remaining HP, then it is immediately destroyed and the character is inflicted with the excess damage. Kyrie Eleison is immediately canceled if the Holy Light skill is cast on the shielded character.
Found This On Ro ... -
Originally posted by Kuali Baba:
Further proof that there is a media conspiracy against Mother Church. God save us!
This is an old one
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:
[b]PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and set it free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.[/b] -
A priest was visiting the home of one of his flock and found only the children to welcome him. "Mother will be back soon," they said, offering him some peanuts in a dish. He was soon lost in conversation and suddenly realized that he had consumed all the peanuts.
"I'm terribly sorry," he apologized to his attentive listeners, "I didn't leave any for you."
"Oh, that's OK," smiled the little angels, "we just eat the chocolate covering."
Told at Mass last week -
A priest was walking down the road and he saw little johnny. "Hi Johnny. can you help me find the post office? I'm lost."
Jonny says, "sure father, it's two blocks down that way."
The priest says, "thanks. are you going to be at mass on Sunday?"
"What will you be teaching?"
"I'm going to talk about the Lord and how to find the path to heaven."
"No way! how are you going to do that when you can't even find the post office?!"
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St. Dominic, Francis of Assisi and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the nativity of Our Lord.
St. Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.
St. Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.
St. Ignatius of Loyola takes St. Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks "Have you given any thought to the boy's education?"
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Then there was the Franciscan friary next-door to a Jesuit house. One member in each house was, even in this day and age, a smoker, but of course they were now restricted to smoking out of doors. From this circumstance developed a comraderie between the two, to the extent that they would even meet between their houses to pray the Divine Office together while puffing away.
Eventually their consciences began to nag at them, and each agreed to ask his confessor what to do.
The next day, the Franciscan was downcast, and told his friend: "I asked my confessor if it was a sin to smoke while I'm praying, and he told me it was a terrible and wicked thing that I must stop immediately."
The Jesuit comforted: "Ah, you asked the wrong question: I asked my confessor if it was a sin to pray while I'm smoking, and he was all in favor of it!"
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What do the Jesuits and Dominicans have in common?
Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.
What is different about the Jesuits and Dominicans?
Well, have you met any Albigensians lately? -
A priest was completing a temperance homily. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Homily complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our offertory hymn, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River." -
A young and nervous bride planning her wedding was increasingly terrified about her upcoming marriage. To calm her nerves, she decided to have a Bible verse which had always brought her comfort (1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love; for perfect love casts out fear") engraved on her wedding cake. So she called the caterer and all arrangements were made.
About a week before the wedding, she received a call from the catering company. "Is this really the verse you want on your cake?" they asked.
Yes, she confirmed, it was the one she wanted, and after a few more questions they said they would decorate the cake as requested.
The wedding day came, and everything was beautiful ... until the reception, when the bride walked in to find the cake emblazoned with John 4:18: "For you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband." -
Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger all die on the same day, and go to meet St. Peter to know their fate.
St. Peter approaches the three of them, and tells them that he will interview each of them to discuss their views on various issues.
He then points at Rahner and says "Karl! In my office..." After 4 hours, the door opens, and Rahner comes stumbling out of St. Peter's office. He is highly distraught, and is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.
St. Peter follows him out, and sticks his finger in Kung's direction and "Hans! You're next..." After 8 hours, the door opens, and Kung comes out, barely able to stand. He is near collapse with weakness and a crushed spirit. He , too, is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.
Lastly, St. Peter, emerging from his office, says to Cardinal Ratzinger, "Joseph, your turn." TWELVE HOURS LATER, St. Peter stumbles out the door, apparently exhausted, saying "Oh God, that's the hardest thing I've ever done..." -
Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.
He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."
The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!"
"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."
The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."
The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow." -
Some Catholic school kids were asked questions about the Bible. Here are some of their actual, unedited responses:
+Adam and Eve wre created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called JOan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animas came on to in pears.
+Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
+Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
+The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
+The seventh commandment is though shalt not admit adultery.
+Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then joshua led he Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
+The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
+David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
+Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wived and 700 porcupines.
+When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
+Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
+Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained "a man doth not live by sweat alone"
+The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
+One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
+St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
+Christians have only one spouse. This is called monontony.
Gotta Love the little ones! -
A Navy warship was on patrol when the lookout spotted a signal fire on a nearby deserted island. The captain sent some members of the crew were to investigate and on the island they found a man and three grass huts.
One of the sailors asked the man how he got there and he explained, "I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck."
Another one of the sailors asked the man about the three grass huts and he said, "I built them myself. The one on the right is where I live and the one on the left is where I go to church."
The sailors asked him about the third hut and he replied, "Oh, well, that was where I used to go to church."
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It is really a Protestant joke but I would guess that parish-hopping is not entirely unknown to Catholics.... -
St. Anne's was throwing a going-away party for their beloved pastor, Fr. Edward Grey, who was retiring after decades of devoted service to the parish. Congressman Ted Gallagher, the most publicly celebrated member of the parish, was supposed to present a brief speech honoring the priest, but had apparently gotten stuck in traffic and was running quite late.
Finally, the organizers of the party convinced Fr. Grey to say a few words, as it looked as though Congressman Gallagher wasn't going to show up. "This has been a wonderful parish," Fr. Grey said, "but I must admit that I was a little nervous at first. You see, my very first day here, decades ago, I was hearing confessions. As it turned out, the first person to come to me had done so many horrible things that I was just shocked. He was a mean drunk who had done everything from stealing from his employer to beating up his girlfriend. I was just horrified after hearing this confession that he would be the rule here, and not the exception. Fortunately, my fears were unfounded, and I've known many wonderful people here."
Everyone in the parish hall applauded Fr. Grey enthusiastically. Just then, Congressman Gallagher arrived and, rushing to the head table, began his speech.
"When Fr. Grey first came here all those years ago, I had the great privilege to be the first person to go to him for Confession..." -
There was an Irishman who moved to a remote villiage for work, the kind of place where everyone knew everyone. The first Friday after work, he went to the pub, ordered three pints and sat in the corner for the next hour, quietly drinking. He then left without talking to anyone. This went on for several weeks, and the other regulars become curious. They eventually approached him and asked him why he sat by himself with three beers and never talked to anyone else.
"Well, I have two brothers. As we grew up, we always had a pint together on a Friday afternoon. Michael left for America and Jerry left for Australia, and we agreed that we would continue the tradition to remember each other. That's why I sit by myself and drink a pint for each of us."
The locals were quite impressed, and he became well known for his faithfulness to his brothers. A few months passed, and one Friday he bought only two pints before sitting down. Assuming the worst, a small delegation of locals came across and passed on their condolances on the loss of a brother.
The man looked startled for a moment and replied, "It's not my brother, it's me! I've given up drinking for Lent!"