Challenged by Changes
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Outside of death and taxes, the one thing you can count on in life is change—more specifically that people will change. And while you may know intellectually it's inevitable, when the change happens to a partner or spouse, it can be emotionally shocking. After all, this new person isn't the one you fell head-over-heels in love with, and they're most definitely not the ones you said your vows to. So what do you do now? Your options are as basic as 1, 2, and 3.
1. Try and get them back to their former selves
This, of course, is probably easier said than done, but if you feel compelled to try, then at least proceed with caution. It may be that your partner actually wanted to change and likes the new them, in which case you'll likely be resented for trying to get them to "go back". However, if you really believe your guy or girl to have changed for the worse (i.e., drug or alcohol addiction, self-destructive behavior, etc.) then you'll at least want to give it a shot.
To start, make sure you don't sound like you're motivated by anger or that you seem threatened in any way. Tell them that you've noticed what's been going on and you're simply concerned for their well being (this works especially well if there's been a weight-gain, or if they seem to have let themselves go in some way). Do not make any threats to leave—even if in the back of your mind you're considering it. It will only make them feel as though you're against them and not to be trusted…and they'll be less likely to go back to their former selves.
Also, if you can, try and get to the "root cause" of the change. If your ladylove has suddenly ballooned, it's not likely that it's just because she really likes pie. More likely there are emotional or psychological reasons for her overeating, and working on those is really the only way to get her to go back to her slender self for good.
2. Stay and live with "the new them"
Okay, so maybe you've already pulled out all the stops and you can see there's just no going back. They are who they are now, and you need to either love 'em or leave 'em. If you're going to love them, it will take some doing—on both your parts.
First, if you've made the decision to accept them as they are, you cannot continue to criticize them, covertly try to move them back in the other direction, or cheat on them to fulfill your own needs.
What you can do is find common ground—by rekindling long-forgotten passions or creating new ones—to keep you connected. Try and remember what it was that brought you two together in the first place, or if that passion is long-gone and impossible to revive, make an effort to explore new avenues together…whatever those may be. This is a great first step toward redefining the relationship and creating a shared picture of its new future.
3. Hightail it out the door and leave
Though it may sound cold, there are some times when you just gotta look out for No. 1. And if you're not happy with your partner, you know they won't change, and there's just no bridging the divide, it's probably time to walk away. In other words, you gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em. Just make sure that before you decide to fold 'em, you did all you could to salvage the relationship. You owe it to your partner, yourself, and the relationship to walk away without any lingering "what-ifs". -
As your relationship becomes more serious your family and friends may become more vocal in their stance on you and your partner. Here's how to recognize the signs and keep your family and friendships strong for years to come:
1. Understand People's Fear of Change
As you devote increasingly more time to your partner, family and friends will likely notice a decrease in the time you spend with them. Your family and friends may even go so far as to say they prefer the old you, the one who prioritized them over a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Start by understanding that these feelings from your family and friends are normal and come with the territory of adjusting to a new, important person in your life. Make sure you spend quality, one-on-one time with your closest friends and family explaining that you still value their relationship, you just need to nurture your partner to give the relationship a chance to grow and flourish. Help them understand there is no competition for love and you have enough to offer everyone important to you.
2. Don't Be an Open Book
When you hit a bumpy patch in your relationship, it's easy to turn to friends & family and complain about your partner. This offers the short term gain of venting about your problems. Unfortunately, the long term impact is the creation of a negative impression of your partner among friends and family.
If you think you and your partner have a real chance at long-term happiness, beware the negative picture you may be painting by only sharing the downside of your boyfriend or girlfriend.
3. Think in Terms of a New Family
Your parents may want to hold on to the past when you were their child and you, your siblings, and them made up a happy family. It can be hard for parents to understand that your relationship represents a chance for you to start a new family. Plus, this family is supposed to come first in your life.
Take the time to thank your parents for all that they did to raise a smart, well-adjusted adult. Help them understand that starting a new family is the natural progression in life. Also, tell them that the beauty of starting a new family is the chance to produce grandchildren and grow the family.
4. Change Your View of Friendship
As you get older, the type and number of friends you need changes with your circumstances. In college you may have thrived with several acquaintances. As a young adult, you may have preferred a group of single friends to check out the bar scene. Now that you're settling down, your single friends may miss the old, party-oriented version of you.
Start to realize that friends serve different purposes at different stages in your life. Now may be the time to seek out new friends in serious relationships who better understand the pressures and priorities of romance. Or if you want to keep your single friends in your life, take the time to discuss how you can remain close even if your friend wants to hit the party scene while you now prefer renting movies and snuggling.
5. Play the Part
Even if you're not fully comfortable with the transformation from a bachelor into a relationship-first person, act the part now. Change your actions first and you'll find the attitude and beliefs about yourself catch-up soon enough.
Your family and friends may struggle with this new you, but if you stay consistent as the new you, sooner or later they'll come around. -
ok watever
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thanks for patronisingOriginally posted by BabyLover:ok watever