Need help on this poem
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Please tell me what you think of this poem. Good? Bad? Tell me why. This is the first time I write a poem without any 'planning', but I think it is a pity to discard it.
Thanks.
Ouch!
Strolling along the forest path
I chance upon a curious sight
Just beside a winding river
Two rocks lay side by side
Like two young runaway lovers
Madly in love with each other
Lock in an everlasting kiss
Two rocks lay side by side
Their souls cleansed by summer rains
Minds polished by wandering sands
Love created by Divine hands
Two rocks lay side by side
But beneath the hard cold surface
Invisible to mortalsÂ’ eyes
Beat two hearts of undying love
Two rocks lay side by side
I imagine the wedding place
Will be held somewhere far away
Hidden in a magical land
Two rocks lay side by side
A haven of breathless beauty
Of gentle breeze and endless stream
Where beasts and human roam freely
Two rocks lay side by side
Still weaving my web of fantasy
I stumbled forward and hurt my knee
Forgotten along the river bank
Two stupid rocks lay side by side! -
too lazy to view now. post just to keep this in my topics. get back asap.
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Okay. No problem.Originally posted by Nelstar:too lazy to view now. post just to keep this in my topics. get back asap.
The reason I want some feedback on this poem is the more I read the more I think something is missing. Don't know what leh...
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Originally posted by DeadPoet:
changed some words to make it rhyme... kakaka
Please tell me what you think of this poem. Good? Bad? Tell me why. This is the first time I write a poem without any 'planning', but I think it is a pity to discard it.
Thanks.
Ouch!
Strolling along the forest path
I chance upon a curious sight
Just beside a winding river
Two rocks side by side
Like two young runaway lovers
Madly in love they abide
Lock in an everlasting kiss
Two rocks side by side
Their souls cleansed by summer rains
Minds polished by gentle tides
Love created by Divine hands
Two rocks side by side
But beneath the hard cold surface
Invisible to mortalsÂ’ eyes
Beat two hearts of undying love
Two rocks side by side
I imagine their wedding day
on which to each they bind
Held in a magical land
Two rocks side by side
In a haven of breathless beauty
Of gentle breeze and endless stream
Where beasts and human roam freely
Two rocks side by side
Still weaving my web of fantasy
I stumbled forward and hurt my thigh
Forgotten along the river bank
Two stupid rocks side by side! -
the ambience is not in.
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i must be bery the "stone"... rock can fall in love one meh?
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Thanks.Originally posted by KittynMeow:changed some words to make it rhyme... kakaka -
Hmm... let me see...Originally posted by Nelstar:the ambience is not in. -
Rock can give birth to monkey god, how come cannot fall in love leh?Originally posted by tare:i must be bery the "stone"... rock can fall in love one meh? 
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Lai lai, read this poem.Originally posted by tare:i must be bery the "stone"... rock can fall in love one meh?
Rocks can fall in love, fishbones can also have dreams.
Fishbones Dreaming
Fishbones lay in the smelly bin.
He was a head, a backbone and a tail.
Soon the cats would be in for him.
He didnÂ’t like to be this way.
He shut his eyes and dreamed back.
Back to when he was fat, and hot on a plate.
Beside green beans, with lemon juice
squeezed on him. And a man with a knife
and fork raised, about to eat him.
He didnÂ’t like to be this way.
He shut his eyes and dreamed back.
Back to when he was frozen in the freezer.
With lamb cutlets and minced beef and prawns.
Three month he was in there.
He didnÂ’t like to be this way.
He shut his eyes and dreamed back.
Back to when he was squirming in a net,
with thousands of other fish, on the deck
of a boat. And the rain falling
WasnÂ’t wet enough to breathe in.
He didnÂ’t like to be this way.
He shut his eyes and dreamed back.
Back to when he was darting through the sea,
past crabs and jellyfish, and others
likes himself. Or surfacing to jump for flies
And feel the sun on his face.
He liked to be this way.
He dreamed hard to try and stay there.
By Matthew Sweeney -
Originally posted by DeadPoet:
Please tell me what you think of this poem. Good? Bad? Tell me why. This is the first time I write a poem without any 'planning', but I think it is a pity to discard it.
Thanks.
[b]Ouch!
Strolling along the forest path
I chance upon a curious sight
Just beside a winding river
Two rocks lay side by side
Like two young runaway lovers
Madly in love with each other
Lock in an everlasting kiss
Two rocks lay side by side
Their souls cleansed by summer rains
and warmed by Jupiter's shine
Love created by Divine hands
Two rocks lay side by side
But beneath the hard cold surface
Invisible to mortals’ eyes
Beat two hearts of undying love
Two rocks lay side by side
I imagine the wedding place...
where upon the lovers resides
Deep within the magical land
Two rocks lay side by side
A haven of breathless beauty
fountain, flowers, butterflies
Where beasts and human roam freely
Two rocks lay side by side
Still weaving my web of fantasy
I stumbled forward and fell to a slide
Forgotten along the river bank
Two stupid rocks lay side by side![/b] -
Both you and Kitty have very good suggestions.
Esp. the line 'Deep within the magical land'. Although it has the same meaning with my 'Hidden in a magical land', but it sound so much better. Thanks.
I am going to need some time to rewrite the poem.
By the way, which one sound better?
'Two rocks lay side by side' or 'Lay two rocks side by side' or 'Two rocks side by side'?
This line is very important in this poem. -
thanks
i'll take the original one.
'2 rocks lay side by side"Originally posted by DeadPoet:Both you and Kitty have very good suggestions.
Esp. the line 'Deep within the magical land'. Although it has the same meaning with my 'Hidden in a magical land', but it sound so much better. Thanks.
I am going to need some time to rewrite the poem.
By the way, which one sound better?
'Two rocks lay side by side' or 'Lay two rocks side by side' or 'Two rocks side by side'?
This line is very important in this poem.