1st attempt
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Ermm, just writing this to try my first skill in poem. Hope to get comment from all of u and can edit the poem for me if u think is not good. Thanx.
Her Smile
Smile of hers,
Like a candy in her mouth.
With the sense of
Sweetness in the air.
Smile of hers,
Like a newborn baby.
With the feel of
Innocence in the air.
Smile of hers,
Like light in darkness.
With the giving of
Warmth in the air.
Smile of hers,
Seems so pure and magical.
With the imprint deep down
My heartÂ… -
/clap clap
work hard....good try...keep it up
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I am Croco, Croco am I -
Thanx thanx... yahooo
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not bad
well done
keep it up.... -
nice yah though could do with adding a that to every 'smile' or add 's' to smile = 'smiles'
just my view hor not too sure yah
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Oh thanx... mistakes will make my next poem perfect.
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*GN Mode On*
Innocent = grammar mistake...
should be innocence
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wahaha okok... changedOriginally posted by Master -_-:*GN Mode On*
Innocent = grammar mistake...
should be innocence -
Originally posted by MoonIce:nice yah though could do with adding a 'that' to every 'smile' or add 's' to smile = 'smiles'
just my view hor not too sure yah -
hmm the Smile of hers got the 's' in the hers already, which also means that later if i were to put one 's' in the smile, it might sounds too weird... that is wat i think, Smiles of hers...Originally posted by MoonIce:
Hey can people tell me can or not? i am not sure about this 's' thingy... how? anyone? -
Smile's' of her
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wait for moderator loh they more expert than meOriginally posted by Hocklez:hmm the Smile of hers got the 's' in the hers already, which also means that later if i were to put one 's' in the smile, it might sounds too weird... that is wat i think, Smiles of hers...
Hey can people tell me can or not? i am not sure about this 's' thingy... how? anyone? -
oic... thanx i go change... got more wrong tell me...Originally posted by MoonIce:Smile's' of her
OK i wait see first... i know the Smile of hers is really wrong... sure need changes one... -
np just my views lah wait wait for the expert to arrive lohOriginally posted by Hocklez:oic... thanx i go change... got more wrong tell me...
OK i wait see first... i know the Smile of hers is really wrong... sure need changes one... -
yup thanx, really happy to have done my first poemOriginally posted by MoonIce:np just my views lah wait wait for the expert to arrive loh -
best luck for all your future endeavoursOriginally posted by Hocklez:yup thanx, really happy to have done my first poem -
heh thanx youOriginally posted by MoonIce:best luck for all your future endeavours -
nice
makes for easier reading out loud with something like this?
Smile of hers,
Like candy on her tongue
And the sense of,
Sweetness in the air.
Smile of hers,
Like a newborn babe.
And the feel of,
Innocence in the air.
Smile of hers,
Like light in the darkness.
And the giving of,
Warmth in the air.
Smile of hers,
So pure so magical.
And the imprint deep down,
My heartÂ…Originally posted by Hocklez:Ermm, just writing this to try my first skill in poem. Hope to get comment from all of u and can edit the poem for me if u think is not good. Thanx.
Her Smile
Smile of hers,
Like a candy in her mouth.
With the sense of,
Sweetness in the air.
Smile of hers,
Like a newborn baby.
With the feel of,
Innocence in the air.
Smile of hers,
Like light in darkness.
With the giving of,
Warmth in the air.
Smile of hers,
Seems so pure and magical.
With the imprint deep down,
My heartÂ… -
Good stuff, Hocklez. The only suggestion I'd make is that you delete the comma after "of" in each of the third lines - the third and fourth lines are effectively one sentence, even though they are split into 2 lines.
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don get u... can give example?Originally posted by Gedanken:Good stuff, Hocklez. The only suggestion I'd make is that you delete the comma after "of" in each of the third lines - the third and fourth lines are effectively one sentence, even though they are split into 2 lines. -
can compose into song... will be quite nice too...
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who know? mooku? wahahaOriginally posted by weidev:can compose into song... will be quite nice too... 
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Okay each of us have different writing styles. That is what make each poem so special.
For your first attmpt, it is actually very good. You know what you want, and how to go about expressing it.
You are clearly in love with this girl.
Below is how I would write the poem based on my writing style.
Smile of hers,
Like candies melting in her mouth.
Fill the air
With the sense of sweetness.
Smile of hers,
Like newborn babies.
Fill the air
With the feel of innocence.
Smile of hers,
Like lights in darkness.
Fill the air
With the gift of warmth.
Smile of hers,
So pure and magical.
Leave an imprint
Deep down my heart.
Keep up the good work. -
By the way Hocklex, want to join the 'competition'?
Just for fun and get the experience of writing a poem without using the letter 'e'. -
Ok. I'm no better in writing poems so this is purely my own opinions.Originally posted by Hocklez:Ermm, just writing this to try my first skill in poem. Hope to get comment from all of u and can edit the poem for me if u think is not good. Thanx.
Very good first attempt. Should be very impressive as you get the hang of things.
Just find it a little weird on the third and fourth lines cause they are one sentence. Ending with 'of' seems funny to read out. Deadpoet's suggestion is quite good.
I love your theme. Gives me the impression that her smile makes your day. Very good. Keep it up.