Have you ever experienced...
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Oh, this is not a poem by the way, but more like a post to ask for guidance lolz.
Right now, I have an inspiration to write a poem, and I have written parts of it, but the problem is, the words don't seem to rhyme, nor do they seem to flow smoothly. And when I try to make them rhyme, the meaning of the poem is lost...it will seem as if I am trying too hard to make it sound right technically...
Any suggestion how to make it sound better w/o hurting the meaning and emotion I want to convey in a poem?
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Poems don't have to rhyme. If you can't fit them into the structure of a poem, you can always write it like prose poetry.
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hmm...mine is not really a prose oso...Originally posted by LazerLordz:Poems don't have to rhyme. If you can't fit them into the structure of a poem, you can always write it like prose poetry.
I do want to write a story out of this idea, but it is too short to be put across as a story, and yet I cant find a way to make it work as a poem...
here's a preview of it...it sounds really bad right now, cos like I said, I can't make the words fit...but the idea is there I think...
The Candle
Its flame. wispy and thin
the wind is strong and relentless
the flame dances. flickers.
Almost gone.
but it never dies
there is a promise
it remembers to keep
With each second of brightness
time is running out
How long more can I
keep the darkness at bay
so that he can find his way -
I agree that it's no use forcing a poem to rhyme.
Just two suggestions:
- complete the first draft without worrying about what works or doesn't (since you don't have to show it anyone), just write everything that you want to say. That would help clear the mind of clutter. Having it all down on paper will help you to see what you have and help you decide what you want to do, then go on from there.
- read poems that are related to what you want to write about, or poems that appeal to you. It'll help you get some more ideas.
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thanks for the pointers
ok, here's the first draft...I need some comments on how to make it sound better...so if someone can help me that would be great
Its flame. wispy and thin
the wind is strong and relentless
the flame dances. flickers.
Almost gone.
but it never dies
there is a promise
it remembers to keep
With each second of brightness
time is running out
How long more can I
keep the darkness at bay
so that he can find his way
It is always silent.
The pain is scorching
sometimes
As he walks on
being held in his hand
that's good enough
forever is something
I do not dare to ask for
but at least
let me be there
until he has walked out
from this dark place
if i have to be gone
let it be
when the sunlight comes -
I catch the gist what you are trying to say with the poem, I think I like the direction where it is going.
But, lack of punctuation in some parts make it hard to read.
Abstract parts are about the flame and the promise it keeps - is not very clear.
>>so that he can find his way
a bit of an incomplete here, because it makes me wonder where he or the narrator wishes to find his way to.
>>As he walks on
being held in his hand
that's good enough
This part reads a bit weird.
I think you mean:
as he walks on,
holding his hand
and walking with him
is good enough
>>forever is something
I do not dare to ask for
but at least
let me be there
until he has walked out
from this dark place
if i have to be gone
let it be
when the sunlight comes
I think there's some awkardness in the way it is said.
Suggestion (and I hope you don't mind):
I do not dare to ask for
forever but at least
let me
be there until he
finds his way out
of this dark place.
If I have to go
let it be
when the sun is shining.
I think if you play around with different words and linebreaks, you can do something better. I find that reading drafts out loud as I write can help spot where it doesn't sound good. [/b] -
Thanks for the pointer...I will try to change it here and there and post the final version when I am really satisfied with it
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I'm curious.
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curious about?Originally posted by LazerLordz:I'm curious. -
Hmm....I'm not much a thinker as compared with e likes of you guys hehee...but I do like them better when it rhymes~
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It is hard to make it rhyme...Originally posted by Xiao Jun:Hmm....I'm not much a thinker as compared with e likes of you guys hehee...but I do like them better when it rhymes~ 
I do prefer it when it rhymes nicely as well...but with this one, it is really challenging 
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I actually prefer this raw version.I'm more of the on-the-fly practitoner of poetry, because I believe it should reflect your thoughts at the moment of writing...and "flaws" in writing are best preserved because they are also a window to your feelings, for example, an incomplete sentence may denote uncertainty and a yearning for completion... etc.Originally posted by rainee:thanks for the pointers
ok, here's the first draft...I need some comments on how to make it sound better...so if someone can help me that would be great
Its flame. wispy and thin
the wind is strong and relentless
the flame dances. flickers.
Almost gone.
but it never dies
there is a promise
it remembers to keep
With each second of brightness
time is running out
How long more can I
keep the darkness at bay
so that he can find his way
It is always silent.
The pain is scorching
sometimes
As he walks on
being held in his hand
that's good enough
forever is something
I do not dare to ask for
but at least
let me be there
until he has walked out
from this dark place
if i have to be gone
let it be
when the sunlight comes -
Hmm...yea, but it doesn't flow smoothly...hence I am trying to "smoothen" it up w/o having to cause it to lose the emotions? haha...maybe that's not possibleOriginally posted by LazerLordz:I actually prefer this raw version.I'm more of the on-the-fly practitoner of poetry, because I believe it should reflect your thoughts at the moment of writing...and "flaws" in writing are best preserved because they are also a window to your feelings, for example, an incomplete sentence may denote uncertainty and a yearning for completion... etc. -
it's sad yet beautifully written.. -
can la, but try not to modify the structure too much .Originally posted by rainee:Hmm...yea, but it doesn't flow smoothly...hence I am trying to "smoothen" it up w/o having to cause it to lose the emotions? haha...maybe that's not possible -
hmm thanksOriginally posted by ^spidee^: it's sad yet beautifully written..
It reflects the way I feel about certain things...dunno why I suddenly got inspired to write this...maybe cos I re-read some of my older posts here -
hope this flame will burn strong and bright..Originally posted by rainee:hmm thanks
It reflects the way I feel about certain things...dunno why I suddenly got inspired to write this...maybe cos I re-read some of my older posts here
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think it is going to go out soon le...time is running out, like what I said in the poem aboveOriginally posted by ^spidee^:hope this flame will burn strong and bright.. -
Its flame. wispy and thin
One problem with this draft is the lack of a transition from the personification of the candle flame to the suceeding stanzas.
the wind is strong and relentless
the flame dances. flickers.
Almost gone.
but it never dies
there is a promise
it remembers to keep
With each second of brightness
time is running out
How long more can I
keep the darkness at bay
so that he can find his way
It is always silent.
The pain is scorching
sometimes
As he walks on
being held in his hand
that's good enough
forever is something
I do not dare to ask for
but at least
let me be there
until he has walked out
from this dark place
if i have to be gone
let it be
when the sunlight comes
How does the subject matter (flame) link to the persona wishing she could stand by her man while he walks out of a dire situation?
It isn't clear enough, so the enjoyment of the poem is affected.
Similarly, you talked about how "the pain is scorching/sometimes". Ok, that's an astute observation, but how so? If you can work this idea into the last stanza, the poem will be more complete.
Likewise, what is the promise that the flame remembers to keep? It isn't illuminated in the suceeding stanzas.
As for grammar and punctuation... generally, unless the lackof/wanton usage of either element is deliberate, I'd advise you to stick to standard puncutation, as it interferes with the reading.
On the technical side, I find that the first stanza can do with a little more polish -- for instance, personally I find that the introduction of "the wind is strong and relentless" particuarly jarring. Perhaps you can focus on constructing the flame as a separate, living entity and build up on its reactions to the other elements in the active voice, instead of introducing truncated statements that lead to nowhere. -
Hello rainee,
Have you written the final version? May I take a look?
Thanks.