What were you do if your bf/gf had an affair?
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I had a girl colleague Just married for about 4 months ago. She is troubled with the following problem.
Her husband is a "good man" as in he don't smoke don't drink involve alot in church (very senior) decent guy, I mean won't do the wrong thing type. They know each other for 5 yrs, This lady that I know althought go to chruch but only sunday type, no other involvement more than that.
3 years ago this girl already know the the guy is a boring person, not romantic person, every thing is "law by law" , things that he think is wrong he will explain and explain until she give up and said she understand then the guy stop.
She know that the guy love her and care for her, this is what she likes about him, husband will never do anything like affair .. to hurt her, but boring life everyday and years are the same for the past 5 yrs.
2 months before they got married she know a Japanese manager from subsidiary company, these guy shows lots of lots of care and concern over her, both enjoy each others company (they don't even hold hand or anything beyond)
2 weeks ago the Jap guy suddenly express to her that he likes her and don't mind she is married...... sure the girl did not agree.
here is her question :
1) What do you think the Jap guy want by saying don't mind she is married? ( the girl thought that he like her company)
2) do you guys think that they can go on without further? I mean is there a pure friendship in this case?
3) The husband notics that for the past to weeks she is unhappy and make lots of complain, some how many the girl started to compare and wanted her husband to treat her better... and I think the husband suspact her and started to restrict her further and outing or gather with colleague and friends even is a girl or boss.
Age not restricted please advise or comment. Ask if you need more detail or don't understand what I am writting.
Please share your thoughts. -
its very natural reaction from the bf.
she is in no rite to complain abt restriction, cuz she herself knows she is flinging around or not.. if she knows inside she is... then she isn't in any position to complain, the criminal don't have the right to declare their own sentences.
but then again... they aren't married... but still should show that "married" kind of loyalty.
as for the guy.. wat will happen will happen... life sux like a vaccum cleaner.. just hv to move on..
christian dating non christian issit? kinda expected. -
Originally posted by F.O.S:I had a girl colleague Just married for about 4 months ago. She is troubled with the following problem.
Her husband is a "good man" as in he don't smoke don't drink involve alot in church (very senior) decent guy, I mean won't do the wrong thing type. They know each other for 5 yrs, This lady that I know althought go to chruch but only sunday type, no other involvement more than that.
3 years ago this girl already know the the guy is a boring person, not romantic person, every thing is "law by law" , things that he think is wrong he will explain and explain until she give up and said she understand then the guy stop.
She know that the guy love her and care for her, this is what she likes about him, husband will never do anything like affair .. to hurt her, but boring life everyday and years are the same for the past 5 yrs.
2 months before they got married she know a Japanese manager from subsidiary company, these guy shows lots of lots of care and concern over her, both enjoy each others company (they don't even hold hand or anything beyond)
2 weeks ago the Jap guy suddenly express to her that he likes her and don't mind she is married...... sure the girl did not agree.
here is her question :
1) What do you think the Jap guy want by saying don't mind she is married? ( the girl thought that he like her company)
2) do you guys think that they can go on without further? I mean is there a pure friendship in this case?
3) The husband notics that for the past to weeks she is unhappy and make lots of complain, some how many the girl started to compare and wanted her husband to treat her better... and I think the husband suspact her and started to restrict her further and outing or gather with colleague and friends even is a girl or boss.
Age not restricted please advise or comment. Ask if you need more detail or don't understand what I am writting.
Please share your thoughts.
Its silly because I doubt she truely understand the man she is getting. If she already knew that he is 'like that' and still go ahead to marry him, she shouldn't be complaining now since the both of them had their fair share of understanding, knowing one another during the relationship. And no, 3 years or even 10 years is still no excuse - if it doesn't work/suit, no amount of time could change the course of fate.
But then again, one thing I don't blame her is because most people do not realise that marriage and BGR is one hell of a two different thing. Especially when the guy is routine-run and as a girl, would like their partner to ocassionally spice up the relationship. A good man has strong principles, therefore, when he thinks he is right, he wants you to understand the reasons why.
Analysis:
Ok, external factors pops in when she felt a little unsatisfied with the relationship. This would probably be a passing phrase, or a complication if it is not properly handled and by the looks of it, its heading towards the latter.
Her love is young and misled - she has a fear of betrayal (probably from past experience or personal phobia) and is willing to accept a man whom she know that would never betray her. That doesn't equate to compatiability and love.
The appearance of this japanese guy is dangerous to the relationship, not because he wants to chase her, rather, SHE would subconsciously compare and probably find the qualities she couldn't find in her husband in him, and this will lead to love complication. In this case: platonic friendship is impossible.
The next hell is her husband's respond to restrict her. This is definitely leading her towards her complication. Her husband's suspect not only possible affair outside, rather, he would know that she has been seeking shelter and ranting about her marriage - which by a man's ego AND kinda skeleton in the cupboard. In all cases: elimination will only surface problems.
Advice:
She needs to talk to her husband about it. They both have been newly married, things that should/could satisfy each other in their marriage life, physically, emotionally and spiritually must be communicate, understood and learn to work towards them. (Sexually must be fulfilling (both) - for her - her emotions dis-satisfaction must be adjusted and corrected, in turn, her husband should influence her to make her feel more complete spiritually)
In marriage, its all about complementing and adapting. She can't just keep quiet, learn to talk things out.
P.S: Nothing to do with christian - non christian marriage. Even non-christian/christian marriages faced such problems for this is a common scenario. If God wants your marriage to have meaning, God will drop problems occasionally because God wants you to grow and mature. Before you can gain wisdom, you need gain experience.
Cheers -
Thanks to both of you that spend so much time comment, I had try my best to revert both your advise to her. Well the rest is up to her to decide what to do.
What I can say is she is a sweet and nice lady that most guy would want to owns her when you be friend with her. Maybe thats why she get into all this mess.
I believe if she don't learn from this incident in this whole life there will be more of these.
Hopefully she can work out this problems fast.
I know her for 3 years, I had never seen her being so bad mood and feel so down.
Question:
1)She did not even hold hands with the guy, does this consider an AFFAIR? -
i guess its inside tt counts right... i mean.. she may not be holding hands, but keep making suggestive remarks, oogling at his ass or smth.. its just as bad right?
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An affair - under CloUdiSm classification is when you acknowledge the relationship (mentally and inside your heart) under the condition of fully knowing what you are doing and still going ahead with it.Originally posted by F.O.S:Thanks to both of you that spend so much time comment, I had try my best to revert both your advise to her. Well the rest is up to her to decide what to do.
What I can say is she is a sweet and nice lady that most guy would want to owns her when you be friend with her. Maybe thats why she get into all this mess.
I believe if she don't learn from this incident in this whole life there will be more of these.
Hopefully she can work out this problems fast.
I know her for 3 years, I had never seen her being so bad mood and feel so down.
Question:
1)She did not even hold hands with the guy, do this consider an AFFAIR? Therefore, most of the time, its always up to the individual's thinking to decipher the code.
P.S: I don't think you can classify that as an affair; its merely company and friendship at the moment. Precaution must be taken though - complication is surfacing.
Cheers -
First of all, give you some background info about me. i DON'T trust jap guys. this nip manager (cum part-time playboy) said he doesn't mind she's married. if a guy's only fooling around so as to finally bed her and dump her, i don't think he will mind her marriage. getting involved with Mr Radish-top and risking a divorce would be foolish. -
how?
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she has tried to talk to her husband, but before she can say more than 2 sentance her husband started to nag and nag at her.
I guess she has to work hander.
sorry guys, I am busy with my new staff. will try to come in to reply . -
Continue Â…
I have to first intro about this girl that I knew.
She is a decent girl and had been keeping virginity till her marriage, she had done nothing sorry to her husband or boyfriend for the past 7 years of relationship.
She kind of gal that always consider about others feelings instead of herself.
Due to 7 years of relationship she married because she knows her husband love her and do not want to disappoint him. Indeed before the married she already avoid hugging and kissing with her husband. Even the first night of their marriage she is feeling fare and not feeling in giving her husband that ended up husband has to take her virginity after a quarrel. (I donÂ’t know to laugh or to feel sad for the guy)
Today I had lunch with her, she keep me posted with her latest update of a adventure.
She had a fight that injured her hand with her husband recently over SMS on her hand phone that the husband discover the Jap guy outside.
They had a talk and she told her husband that she had lost her feel with him and wanted to be alone. (Divorce) Ever since then she avoid even more as in no kissing or huggingÂ… as and when the husband request, everything that she donÂ’t feel like doing (generally everything).
The Jap guy continue his calling, SMS and dating her out as usual, but she couldnÂ’t resist as he is really caring, nice and everything she can feel, she said to me.
I shock that the guy has made a closer move and she has had a petting with him, which I believe she is in confuse over her concept donÂ’t to blame herself and sorry for her husband now. I believe she now feel love or likes the guy much more than her husband.
She canÂ’t pull herself out the mess though she understand that she canÂ’t be sure she will end up with the Jap guy or not.
Sorry for the long essay, below are my questions though I know I canÂ’t or nobody can and only both she and her husband can solve.
1. She wanted to move out their house and stay with a couple which is both she and her husband friend as in giving both some quiet time.
(I think she canÂ’t have quiet time if she do not stop contacting the Jap guy, its rather unfair to her husband)
2. She feels that she no longer has the feeling towards her husband and she had tried but fail, her feeling sorry to her husband and she knew her husband love her but she just canÂ’t love the husband anymore, not because of the Jap guy (way before she knows the Jap guy). Just your opinion, do you think they should divorce?
3. If YOU wanted a divorce were you consider about your parents, parents in law, CHURCHÂ….. , friends, relativeÂ…..? Is that part of a consideration of a divorce?
I hereby clarify, I am NOT the person involve in above issue, I just want to help her with the right way, I am a divorcee I worry she will follow my footsteps. -
tell her to get out. it hurts her that she gat a husband like that, it feels nice the jap guy "cares". open your eyes and u know the jap guy only wants one thing. the jap guy has no respect for marriages and no respect for her.
tell her to hang out with good gal frens instead, occupy her time and life with other stuff. intro her to the forums and spend timing crapping away is also a good choice.
but if she just enjoys being used and manipulated for someone's gratification then you just have let her be. -
tell her to get out. it hurts her that she gat a husband like that, it feels nice the jap guy "cares". open your eyes and u know the jap guy only wants one thing. the jap guy has no respect for marriages and no respect for her.
tell her to hang out with good gal frens instead, occupy her time and life with other stuff. intro her to the forums and spend timing crapping away is also a good choice.
but if she just enjoys being used and manipulated for someone's gratification then you just have let her be. -
Originally posted by the_don:
Don,
tell her to get out. it hurts her that she gat a husband like that, it feels nice the jap guy "cares". open your eyes and u know the jap guy only wants one thing. the jap guy has no respect for marriages and no respect for her.
tell her to hang out with good gal frens instead, occupy her time and life with other stuff. [b]intro her to the forums and spend timing crapping away is also a good choice.
but if she just enjoys being used and manipulated for someone's gratification then you just have let her be.
[/b]
there are good and bad in forum too, she is simple minded (at least I think so)
I dare not to intro her to forum becos at least myself here was accused being indecent.
Even when she wanted to tell me all the above is already taken her lots of courage, here is surly not a good good way.
I believe you agree that once a person is in love and being love he/she is blind.
I intended to introduce her to forum, but she rather keep it to herself and I am the only person in her life that knows the whole in and out. (Don't mistaken) she just keep and keep and few month once she will pour to me thats all. I feel abit "full tank" thats why I "pour" it here to see anything I miss out telling her, rather than blind liad the blind. -
Her priority should be to sort out her marriage first - to stay and work or to quit. The other man should stay out of the picture for now.
1. Time and space apart is good so that the couple can think about what they want from the marriage.
2. If she truly feels she doesn't love her husband, then yes divorce is an option, in my opinion.
3. Christians consider their religion a major part of marriage and subsequently divorce. Some would rather pretend to be happily married just to avoid the ... shame? Scorn of their fellow church members? from a divorce.
I claim now that no external factor will influence my decision to divorce, but if it happens for real, I may think otherwise.
The Jap guy is just looking for sex, your friend cannot be too naive to think that it will mean anything more at this moment. She should not bank too much hopes on him.
She commited emotional infidelity by liking the japanese guy in a "more than just friends" kind of way. And physical infidelity, by the petting session. I think this is enough to judge it to be an affair.
I have no doubt that you think she's decent and nice and did everything in her power to do what's right in the past.
Unfortunately one is decent only until he/she commits his last transgression.Originally posted by F.O.S:1. She wanted to move out their house and stay with a couple which is both she and her husband friend as in giving both some quiet time.
(I think she canÂ’t have quiet time if she do not stop contacting the Jap guy, its rather unfair to her husband)
2. She feels that she no longer has the feeling towards her husband and she had tried but fail, her feeling sorry to her husband and she knew her husband love her but she just canÂ’t love the husband anymore, not because of the Jap guy (way before she knows the Jap guy). Just your opinion, do you think they should divorce?
3. If YOU wanted a divorce were you consider about your parents, parents in law, CHURCHÂ….. , friends, relativeÂ…..? Is that part of a consideration of a divorce? -
no body ask her to pour her whole sob story here. it is entirely her choice. wat i am saying is that she gotta get herself occupied with stuff that takes her mind off the marriage and jap guy matter. and the things she occupy herself with should not make matters worse or add more headache. she is not a dumb gal, just disillusioned and lost. if you really want to be a good fren, keep her out of harm's way.Originally posted by F.O.S:Don,
there are good and bad in forum too, she is simple minded (at least I think so)
I dare not to intro her to forum becos at least myself here was accused being indecent.
Even when she wanted to tell me all the above is already taken her lots of courage, here is surly not a good good way.
I believe you agree that once a person is in love and being love he/she is blind.
I intended to introduce her to forum, but she rather keep it to herself and I am the only person in her life that knows the whole in and out. (Don't mistaken) she just keep and keep and few month once she will pour to me thats all. I feel abit "full tank" thats why I "pour" it here to see anything I miss out telling her, rather than blind liad the blind. -
no body ask her to pour her whole sob story here. it is entirely her choice. wat i am saying is that she gotta get herself occupied with stuff that takes her mind off the marriage and jap guy matter. and the things she occupy herself with should not make matters worse or add more headache. she is not a dumb gal, just disillusioned and lost. if you really want to be a good fren, keep her out of harm's way.Originally posted by F.O.S:Don,
there are good and bad in forum too, she is simple minded (at least I think so)
I dare not to intro her to forum becos at least myself here was accused being indecent.
Even when she wanted to tell me all the above is already taken her lots of courage, here is surly not a good good way.
I believe you agree that once a person is in love and being love he/she is blind.
I intended to introduce her to forum, but she rather keep it to herself and I am the only person in her life that knows the whole in and out. (Don't mistaken) she just keep and keep and few month once she will pour to me thats all. I feel abit "full tank" thats why I "pour" it here to see anything I miss out telling her, rather than blind liad the blind.