read these...
-
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can
buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering. -
EVER WONDER ~~~~
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? -
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only
time
I have to work on my hair.)
In a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
>Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
In a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
would
be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,
it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce
the
rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
with
head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking
this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you
to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) -
The First Affair
There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teen-age
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they
always
wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to find the ugliest
child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no
way
that he could be the father of the child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered," he cried.
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around
on
me?"
The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined
the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery - Schwartz
had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to
be
saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove the dead man's
privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase
and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the
front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!" She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for
us,
too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night
when they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed,
went to
the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a
glass of water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks
for
a beer.
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," the bartender replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns
this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to
move
slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something I
must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your
best
friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
The Sixth Affair
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his
wife with endearing terms - "Honey", "My Love", "Darling,",
"Sweetheart,",
"Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and,
clearly,
they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and
; said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years,
you
still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he
said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago." -
hahaha... such sweet revenge....
-
-
my goodness this one is damn funnee... i burst out laffing..Originally posted by keisha:1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can
buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering. -
i tear when i read this.
> > Breakfast at McDonald's ... Please read until the
> > end.
> >
> > This is a good story and is true, please read it
> > all the way through until
> > the end! (After the story, there are some very
> > interesting facts!):
> >
> > I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have
> > recently completed my
> > college degree.
> >
> > The last class I had to take was Sociology.
> >
> > The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the
> > qualities that I wish every
> > human being had been graced with.
> >
> > Her last project of the term was called "Smile."
> >
> > The class was asked to go out and smile at three
> > people and document their
> > reactions.
> >
> > I am a very friendly person and always smile at
> > everyone and say hello
> > anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece of cake,
> > literally.
> >
> > Soon after we were assigned the project, my
> > husband, youngest son, and I
> > went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.
> >
> > It was just our way of sharing special playtime
> > with our son.
> >
> > We were standing in line, waiting to be served,
> > when all of a sudden
> > everyone around us began to back away, and then
> > even my husband did.
> >
> > I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling
> > of panic welled up
> > inside
> > of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
> >
> > As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty
> > body" smell, and there
> > standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
> >
> > As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to
> > me, he was "smiling"...
> >
> > His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's
> > Light as he searched for
> > acceptance.
> >
> > He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he
> > had been clutching.
> >
> > The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood
> > behind his friend. I
> > realized the second man was mentally challenged and
> > the blue-eyed
> > gentleman
> > was his salvation.
> >
> > I held my tears as I stood there with them.
> >
> > The young lady at the counter asked him what they
> > wanted.
> >
> > He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all
> > they could afford. (If
> > they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up,
> > they had to buy
> > something. He just wanted to be warm).
> >
> > Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great
> > I almost reached out
> > and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.
> >
> > That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant
> > were set on me, judging
> > my every action.
> >
> > I smiled and asked the young lady behind the
> > counter to give me two more
> > breakfast meals on a separate tray.
> >
> > I then walked around the corner to the table that
> > the men had chosen as
> > their resting spot. I put the tray on the table and
> > laid my hand on the
> > blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.
> >
> > He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and
> > said, "Thank you."
> >
> > I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I
> > did not do this for you.
> > God is here working through me to give you hope."
> >
> > I started to cry as I walked away to join my
> > husband and son. When I sat
> > down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why
> > God gave you to me, î
> > Honey, to give me hope.î
> >
> > We held hands for a moment and at that time, we
> > knew that only because of
> > the Grace that we had been given were we able to
> > give. We are believers.
> >
> > That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet
> > love.
> >
> > I returned to college, on the last evening of
> > class, with this story in
> > hand.
> >
> > I turned in "my project" and the instructor read
> > it.
> >
> > Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share
> > this?"
> >
> > I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the
> > class.
> >
> > She began to read and that is when I knew that we as
> > human beings and being
> > part of God share this need to heal people and to be
> > healed.
> >
> > In my own way I had touched the people at
> > McDonald's, my husband, son,
> > instructor, and every soul that shared the
> > classroom on the last night I
> > spent as a college student.
> >
> > I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would
> > ever learn:
> > UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
> >
> > Much love and compassion is sent to each and every
> > person who may read
> > this
> > and learn how to LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT
> > LOVE THINGS AND USE
> > PEOPLE.
> >
> > If you think this story has touched you in any way,
> > please send this to
> > everyone you know.
> >
> > There is an Angel sent to watch over you.
> > (Nic!)
> > In order for her to work, you must pass this on to
> > the people you want
> > watched over.
> >
> > An Angel wrote:
> >
> > Many people will walk in and out of your life, but
> > only true friends will
> > leave footprints in your heart.
> >
> > To handle yourself, use your head.
> >
> > To handle others, use your heart.
> >
> > God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not
> > throw it into its nest...
> >
> >
> > Keep this going. -
Interesting....
-
wakakakakaka
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...