Sitting at my office I look out the window. All I saw is the clear sky and tall buildings. I have come a long way to achieve what I have today. Some people would consider that I am successful. Some would even name me as one of the most eligible bachelor in town. Money and success I have. Yes even the occasional women too yet I feel I am missing something. Should I say that something that I regretted for many years. Something that can't be undone no matter how much money I possess.
Yes, your guess is right. It is love that I am missing. Typical case right but it stills the truth. I still remember it clearly. I was still a teenager back then. Back at high school where things were more simpler and innocent. I saw her at the bus and recognized her immediately. She was a girl from the same primary school as I was. We have never spoken to each other. Only knew that such person existed.
Yet that day I felt something. Not like lightning strike my heart like you hear from those people that fall in love at first sight. It was rather a warm feeling like a sense of recognition of my heart. She was same like any teenager but what made stood out still puzzles me even today. She had short wavy hair and a little tomboyish about her. Yet her face portraits an innocent look that made a print in my heart.
I saw her everyday on the way to school and after school to home by the bus and sometimes even at the bus stop. Sometimes I would purposely wait for her to arrive at the bus stop and would take the same bus as her. I would steal glimpses at her but would quickly turn around so that she will not notice. That how innocent and naïve I was toward love.
A few months pass like that everyday. She was my motivation to go to school. I would not skip school even when I was sick. Seeing her will make me happy the whole day and no matter what difficulty I face I will endure it will a smile. But if I don't see her I would be down the whole day and lack energy in doing anything. It was like I was addicted. I felt truly happy then. If compare to now even multimillion dollar business deal don't make me feel that happiness again. How easy it was to be satisfied when we were young.
After some time I think she caught me stealing glances at her. She would just smile. And she too starts stealing glances at me. It was as it was a secret between the both of us. Just knowing the presence of each other was enough for both of us. From her nametag I knew her name and I wonder if she knew mine. A name that I will never forget. Eleanor and that means light and she is the light of my life.
It continues through out my high school years. That is why I don't have any girlfriend in high school. As the days toward graduation approaches I was consumed with sadness because I can no longer see her everyday. I thought various ways to speak to her but I was afraid. Afraid of failure. That why in the end I lost her. I lost my first love when I don't even have it to lose. What an ironic thing.
Yet I still remember the only conversation we had if it was consider as a conversation. I remember that last day on the bus. As she was alighting the bus she said goodbye to me. She looks straight me and said goodbye. Our very first and final word. I was dumb folded and could only say a quick goodbye. That how my first love ended.
After that I was into many relationship in college and in my career years. Some last for a few years and some merely a few months. Yet out of all the girlfriends I have, only her I remember every detail clearly. I regret not having the guts to talk to her. In my mind, the question what if always pops up. Would my life be more different if I talked to her I always wonder.
The older I get the more I thought of her yet her whereabouts I don't know. Do she know that someone is thinking of her day and night. That why I took the initiative to find out. I want to make up for being a coward. I went to some old high school friend to find out. Through some contact I found out. I meet her best friend.
I told her who I was and she told me what she knew. Eleanor told her that she had a crush on a boy on the bus during her high school years and they have never spoken a word. Eleanor would never a miss a single day of class like I did. At last she decided to say goodbye to that boy. A goodbye so she can forget the boy. Now I knew what that goodbye meant. Eleanor went oversea to study and completed her degree. After that she came home to work.
One day on the way to work she had an accident and die instantly on the spot. The love of my life was gone and I have not even got to know her. Her best friend told me that Eleanor never forgot me and brought me to her grave. I didn't shed a single tear because my heart has been shredded and no longer can feel anything. Her best friend gave me one of Eleanor photo and Eleanor diary as remembrance.
From the diary I knew all her feelings through out high school. I regret what I didn't do. Looking at the clear sky I wonder where she is now. Do she knows that I love her and how sorry I am. Yet life has to go. She will remain in my heart and it is time to move on. That why I decided to fulfill her dreams for her. She wanted to see the world and travel to different countries. That what I decided to do and today is my last day of work.
Maybe someday I could met someone and love again. In the meantime I have the world to see. And everywhere I go I would tell people to be brave and try. Don't be afraid to fail. Failure hurt less than regret. This I am telling from experince.