Dear Diary (AD Edition)
-
today, advanced celebration of my b.day
originally supposed to have ppl who IN THE FIRST PLACE, offered to organise, attending...... but only most of my ex-classmates joining instead
hahaha
enjoyed myself, being saboed abit... but afterall, it's the company that we are in, that's y we enjoy birthdays....
this week... i'll be hanging out often.... to celebrate b.day, and most prob i'll be celebrating for fren too
haha, in a rather tired mood now, tomolo still have early lesson... sighz...... and i duno my work
ahhahaha -
cakes
after
cakes
after
cakes(i hope not)
sunday had some cake, today going to have cake later....
tomolo, another celebration, hopefully not the SAME flavoured cake.... else i'll really flip
hahahaha
quite a nice time spent with family....
enjoyed myself greatly...
got prodikeys with a soundcard.... what a great surprise... gonna clear my cpu for that now
hahahaha -
happy b.day to self
haha, had a wonderful time tonite....
wonder what's gonna happen later in the day(my actual b.day lah)
had a chance to talk to someone more, ended up i tok more, felt so weird to talk in such an awkward to someone whom i've known for such a long time...
awkward situations happen i suppose.....
to those who celebrated my b.day today.... thx for being there for me..... i'll remember the day well =) -
internal struggles on the date of my birth
at the time of my birth
logic, and instinct battling each other
in the end, logic won.
things i do nowadays, are alwiz a part of my logical (or illogical) thinking, which often hinder me from looking further than what i can actually see.....
but perhaps it's this logic, that keeps me sane, keeps me tied to the world with a clear mind(or unclear... not sure...)
at least i noe what the world of the "norm" thinks, and at least i noe what's the "right" things i can do, and what's the "wrong' things i can't do....
so i shall live this way, till my heart shatters like million fragments of glass..... spread across the whole of the island, or perhaps the world...... -
incinerated in the furnace of troubles
a lonesome soul braves the heat
reborn in the crimson flames
as a phoenix i arise to soar
obstacles poised to me
are all for naught
yet burdened i am
with my own secluded thoughts
moving forth, though only a step
inching my way through the murky depths
to sink or swim, is all that may matter
for that is all i can see for now. -
a new month
a new beginning
cast away is the past and all good things shall come
i know what is wrong, and i will find a way to resolve that asap....
there's more to life than juz mindless hallucinations.... and impossible dreams.....
life, i've once given up on it, now i will learn to treasure it the way i used to be, i will be a better person... do not worry abt me
thoughts already straightened itself... so i know what to do, u are still my good fren, if u want me to be ur fren still, haha
all these didn't come in a flash, but a whole night of thoughts, and pondering, and of course, help from a fren in need too....
i will give up the impossible dream, but will find my own dream to pursue, something more "real" and achievable. my life doesn't juz revolve ard the forums, and my life certainly isn't juz like wat i think it is.... it's meaningful, and i can make the best out of it.
today is really a day of rebirth, i'm so glad i finally thought it over and understood the situation carefully..... =)
happiness, is not by being selfish, it's by being selfless... that i will continue to do hahaha -
woke up late again(as usual, haha
)
y.day was the sgforums pool tournament, enjoyed myself, but didn't get to play for long
too many pros ard....
but the final match btw skeujin and www was really exciting, and i saw how www's concentration level drop, it was supposed to be an "amature" competition, but.... hahaha..... the atmosphere said a different thing...
and after that, had dinner at siam kitchen, $$, but alright... but won't go back again, as said by MH, with the $ spent on dinner there, go eat zhu chao, better... haha
nice to meet up wif ppl i've not met up for quite some time, hope to see some more of them next time...
back to normal entry..
forgiveness... is it so hard to forgive? for things that started out from small faults, it's so hard to resolve the matter? hate, is it such a powerful force? all i need is juz a form of acceptance, that's all....
lies... i'm back in the tangled web of lies and deciet, formed by urs truly, myself, haha. to get away from reality, seems so easy, to get back in, seems so hard, and in the process of getting back to reality, the hurt seems to intensify so much... getting lost in my lies is so easy, i juz wonder when i will wake up from it. -
thoughts
random
confusing
lost
all that matters now, is for me to find the hard way out, i've alwiz gotten myself into troubles, and i've alwiz got myself immersed into it so much, i cause much pain to myself, and the ppl ard me.
troubles in life are not caused by others (usually), but by self... what matters most is the mental maturity and the emotional growth. i may seem to be taking things too hard, but it's juz a face that i like to show the world, my heart is actually a fragile place....
pride
arrogance
ignorance
aloof
i'm now aloof, in my own special way, i'm juz trying to seek the place where i can "belong", but actually the "best place" is in the heart, so i actually change alot, to find the sense of "belonging" when there's no need to in the beginning.
when one's pride is shattered, one becomes solitary and one shys away, that's perhaps what's causing much grief to my life, and perhaps wat i need to totally get rid of (perhaps?) to live a "proper" life (as if i have any to begin with).
help, i need help, who will help me? i will help myself eventually. -
there's a fault with me, i'm sure of it, that fault of me, is my being unable to communicate anymore... something that i used to do well... now i juz stay quiet, all the time seems like i'm aloof, seems like i dun really care.... but inside, i want to reach out....
i remember i used to call up my frens often, talking to them like there's no tomorrow, be it guy frens or ger frens.... alwiz have sumthing to crap abt.... yet recently... it becomes something i never even think of doing...
the once active, and lively me, became locked within me... again and again it alwiz seems so... courage, what i lack... yet really need... i daren't face my fears, my peers, my life feels so messed up because of such factors affected by lack of courage, i suppose...
even if i can talk, i find that it's most comfortable to speak wif a fren, when i'm alone wif that fren. yet, when it happens to be someone i think i have feelings for, it appears that i seem to keep to myself even more.... has my passion gone away too?
or is it that i've begun to hate even life itself? that i no longer can love myself, love others, love?? a good fren i may be, but definitely not a lover, at least i can stay away from the hurt, from the pain that happens from it, or so i think so.
running away, that's what i've been doing, never really going abt to solve the problem, rather, i juz avoid all troubles, to juz get to the good part first, rather selfish, rather insane, alwiz looking for troubles to trouble myself
maybe i feel better hurting myself, maybe it makes me re-assured that i'm juz a weakling, squirming abt juz to survive, yet knowing that all efforts will be for nothing, maybe that's what i like to do, hurting myself, making my own life miserable
there's so many things that i have to say so many left undone... yet all i can do is juz to be quiet... sighz... my life is as such..... no doubt abt it..... -
tried to look on the bright side.... tried to see the brightness in my life, with every ray of light i see, i see more shadows appearing, the darkness seems more and more....
selfishness embedded so deeply into my life, i refuse to share my life with others, refuse to share it wif even the ones that i live with - my family.....
why has it become so bad? y have i became so withdrawn? alot of questions pound my mind, making me think, filling my thoughts with burden...
tired, that's what i feel now, tired of alot of things, but i still hold life with great regard... no matter how painful it gets, i alwiz stand tall, i alwiz smile....
masks, that's what i wear all the time, but it seems so hurting, each time i put it on, to be happy, when i'm not, to be so fake, so emotionless when i'm supposed to feel....
there are so many choices in my life i have to make, have so many paths i have to take, but i end up choosing the path to ruin, for i can't bear to hurt those ard me...
blind, yes i am, though i think others are not affected, yet they are, in an invisible way, my way of thoughts, my character, it's like a parasite, that has found a new home in their thoughts
with selfishness, comes more hurt, more pain, with selflessness, the pain may not seem so significant, but when reminded of the pain, it juz seems to feel even stronger....
perhaps, all i need, is juz to be alone, like i alwiz am, like i alwiz have been, perhaps, that will make me understand myself fully, make myself become better....
i'm such a silly FOOL, gazing at the WORLD, where the SUN, STARS and MOON ride on the CHARIOT, to face JUDGEMENT. DEVIL and DEATH precide the fate of the HANGED MAN left at the TOWER, and the EMPEROR, EMPERESS will give their final words, with the MAGICIAN, HIGH PRISTESS and HEIROPHANT as advisors they all gaze at the WHEEL OF FORTUNE. the LOVERS and HERMIT will not care abt the FOOL, for JUSTICE will be served, and if the FOOL doesn't have STRENGTH, TEMPERANCE may have to guide the FOOL. -
today i was finally early for class, amazing
then had a session at bugis arcade wif fren, to play SvC Chaos, and time crisis 3, sighz, SUCH A LONG WHILE since i last entered an arcade.....
then had an EXTREMEMLY filling lunch/dinner at sakae sushi...
nothing eventful, but still, more or less enjoyed myself.... -
moon and mars.... both seems to be so related
yet so distant.....
saw something in the moon juz now..... a figure readying to fight against the red shining star, mars.....
seems to be like a bad omen..... hope nothing bad happens.... -
choice, y does some ppl hate this word so much so?
in life, we have to choose, yes, no, it happens naturally, we dun even need to think......
sometimes even though some ppl hates that word, choice seems to happen automatically, without that person's knowledge....
sometimes, it seems as though the path that we walk on, seems so lonely, so distant, so we want ppl to walk the same path as us, yet, we didn't realise, all that happened was juz that the path was crossed, and it stayed together until a certain point, and it will soon break apart again.....
life's like that, there's no such thing as keeping everything the same, keeping everything the way it used to be, when the path is broken away, or when the path no longer leads to the same place, the path we walk on, will eventually be treaded on by ourselves.... to where we, as individuals, walk upon....
no one else walks the path for us, we are the only ones choosing to walk the path in this particular way, if anything happens, or gets left along the way, we can't go back to pick it up, because the future is the only way to go.... that, is choice.... -
learnt a phrase from my classmate y.day
"there's no right or wrong, only decisions and consequences"
that rang in my head the whole day thereafter.....
the first part of the phrase was what i have based my life upon
and the 2nd part gave me some insight....
reminds me of the buddhist teachings of cause and effect.... and it IS true....
how one thing becomes another, is because of what happened before that....
whatever we do, we often do not realise it until the last moment...., and when things start to go arwy, we tend to blame others, when the actions that we do, is often what caused the problem in the first place.... thinking twice before doing anything, that's one thing i dun think many ppl practice, although it's in most of our minds all the time....
after thinking thru that for a whole day, i've juz sorta became a little more enlightened..... of course, there's still a long ways to go for me....
now no matter what i do, i'll think of what will happen if i do, but, come to think of it, i've alwiz done so in the past, so what happened to me recently? have i lost sight of what i believed? that's when our confidence waived.. that's when our lives seem out of touch i suppose.....
perhaps i'm too good, thinking for others before myself.... thinking of the welfare of others, before myself... everything for others, nothing for me, seems too good to be true, but it happens so much so, i've become selfish in the process, not allowing anyone in my life to know my pain, know my suffering, know my thoughts....
take for example wooing a ger, if i happen to know that another guy likes the same ger as me, i'll help him woo the ger instead.... i'm speechless at this.... oh well, i'm me... that's me, and that's what i will be till i die... till the end of time..... -
Time to embrace the darkness like I do, and time to live in agony as I do, Time and Time again, the pain will make me feel more complete.
my new siggy, kinda describes me well, i've long choosen this path to walk on, i'll walk alone on it till someone joins me...
"you'll never walk alone" <== soccer fans, familiar?
anyways, poor throat of mine..... sing, sing, and sing..... i'm going to lose my voice (not my V) (ok, chinese pun... ) i wonder what's it with me, i seem to be ok, yet i seem to be lost......
invited an angel into my life for the first time y.day, felt a kind of trobbing feeling at the back of my head.... at first, then slowly, my life seems to be brighter for that moment......
it's true, that they do exist, i'm a follower of everything i suppose...but ultimately, what i think of religion, is a power of the mind.... alot of ppl depend on faith to do things...the power in which faith brings abt is great.... yet it's all in the mind... that, is religion (flame me, somebody pls)
there's no body, no eyes, no ears, no mouth, no heart, no soul, nothing at all..... yet, what we see, experience and all, are so real, so existent.... perhaps only true ppl who have attained enlightenment feel that everything is nothing, and nothing is everything, when i say feel, i really mean able to grasp that meaning lah... -_-"
time and time again, i talk to myself in a darkened room, time after time, i fall back onto the comfort in which the darkness provides. time to lay back, time to forget
time and time again and again i repeat my life, time after time, the dé jávu sinks in to my flesh, my soul...
time to stop moving, time to die
time..... let's just stop time, for the agony will live on without ever changing.... -
too many outings?
i think so, i've been to so many outings suddenly, and i've juz felt as though i'm detached, no longer part of the whole forum.
y.day's outing was the most evident part to my reasoning, i didn't feel that i belonged anywhere, i juz felt like i'm floating, i juz felt that i'm juz someone who's not really there, yes, though i recognise the ppl, i noe their names for some, i noe what line of work they're in.... but then, i still didn't feel that i belonged....
upon leaving the ktv, i juz ran/walked in the rain, and yes, because of that rain, i'm more or less even more affected by the depression that has sunk into my very consciousness....
i've been losing slp recently, insomnia? something i rarely have, but nowadays, i've been dreaming, awakening, dreaming, awakening too many times in a night.... i still feel ok, enuf rest, but juz dun feel comfortable....
i need someone to talk to... i need to talk... yet... all that can come out of my mouth, is silence... i still haven't found a way to express myself well yet... i dunno what to say, dunno what to do, aimlessly searching for something that even i don't know what to look for...
lost,
AD -
helpless sense of being void being alone, kicks in....
all my frens who are ard my age, are mostly in army, only a handful still studying... one by one, all parting for the while...
maybe it's just me, but i seriously have a lack of aim... i can't aim for any goals.... its funny but, i dun think i have any goals as well, start of the term, i had a goal to clear my studies asap, but the mood tones down slowly, and slowly i become very reluctant... feels so alone, so isolated... so...helpless
i dunno wat my life can lead me to, i duno wat i can do to lead me anywhere now... its not juz lost, it's beyond being lost...
sighz, can't express myself, can't explain my thoughts, can't watever..... blah.... if only time is not moving so fast... haha
guess it serves me right for being in the procrastination gang....
thinking aloud....
AD -
wahahhaha, this is my best time of my whole dj career life
juz ended a very very memorable dj session... and i really can't imagine that i did crazy things tonite!
hahahah, for all those who have tuned in to me, THX for the support, and THX for letting me have the courage to play along!!
hehe, will do other special segments in future, but won't be similar to tonite's one, kekekeke
thx again to all those who were giving me the entertainment in #sgforums, and to all those who have tuned in to me... hahhahaa, still laffing... -
Days.... perhaps a week or more has passed me by...
since i last wrote in this faithful little private space of mine....
perhaps not too private, perhaps not too exposed... for those who like to read.... read on...
the reason i've been feeling lost... recently... i may have found the reason... age.... time is catching up so quickly, and yet as it draws nearer.... i can't seem to find my goal anymore.... the only thing on my mind is to pass my exams and get over with the current level of studies i'm at.... yet, this can only be a short term goal... getting the piece of paper qualification is nothing more than just a form of formality.... nothing else really matters after that.... job wise.... i'm not going into the same field....
lonely... feeling lonely, my frens all went into army already.... all those who are the closest of frens, my buddies.... all in army... becoming a man, day by day... and i'm still stuck... far away from my peers now.... yes... times have changed... i'm lonely because i dun have the usual company of frens whom i used to confide in alot... now they will have their own lives still... and i'll just drift further....
lonesome.... yearning... someone told me, it's been a long time since my ex-gf... and yes, that's true.. that person told me that it is time to find another gf.... or at least when the time comes... of course.. yet although i yearn, i do not wish to get involved with a lady of whom could be my steady... reason being... i am not ready, i'm afraid, afraid of hurting myself, and afraid of hurting others... i've become more of a scardy cat, than my usual proud, and confident me... i now shrink when it comes to such r/s...
all falling into and out of place.. all pieces of puzzles are fitting into a picture, yet the pieces come not from a single puzzle, but from many boxes of puzzles..... the picture might be grotesque.. the picture may not make any sense... but that picture.. is me....
millions of fragments of memories, shattering, falling, crashing
thousands of forgotten pain, healing, yielding, remaining....
hundreds of thoughts still plagues, lingering, harsh, cold,
tens of regrets left alone, shielded, hidden, shunned..... -
AHHHHH CHOOO~~~~
no this is not a familiar phrase from a kung fu flick, but this is me, bogged down by flu.... i'm getting better already... thx to medication.... i haven't a choice but to consume drugs to cure myself fast, haven't been able to enjoy meself... much....
anyways.... tests are over soon, and i'm more or less confident that i won't do exceptionally well..... maybe just a pass, but most likely fail
lolz
had a glimpse of PotC today.... wonderful effects, u guys shld go catch it.... never really enjoyed much today, juz doing my part, maybe it's my duty, or promise, but.... i'm juz doing my part... there are so many things to do, dreams to fulfil.... yet i can't move myself towards the target, the goal....
reluctance? perhaps so.... haven't found out the reason y i am like that.... maybe i'm drawn into a world, not of my own, yet i am not sure... i mustn't be too sure of myself, and what i see, feel...
some things could be changing, some things could be unchanged.... yet all in all.... it matters that i complete this story that i am featured in... my life story... i haven't a clue to how things will be.. in the near future... how things can be now... all i can say is..... i'm as clueless as a drunkard... yet i'm not drunk...
i still owe some tarot readings... can't remember to who i shld read to.. but i still haven't gotten my deck yet..... perhaps it is fate, juz as i want to buy, i dun have the money to buy.... when i have the money, it all turns out to be for outings... lolz..
fallacy in it's greatest presentation,
of trickery, treachery, thieving grin.... a mask left worn upon thy face...
yielding to the lies of within,
powerless, fearful, and shivering shins.... a heart frozen in time...
waketh not the emotions of the deep, waketh the pureness of thy soul..... for life is more than just sweet whats-nots.... -
2 weeks
time passed so fast, like a dream
everything seems like a dream anyways, the life we all live in, the way things seems to be, and how dreams alwiz shatter, break apart, and juz trickle out of our grasps..... like sand...
not that i'm trying to be pessimistic, I AM PESSIMISTC
lolz
i hope that emphasized sumthing there....
picked up a game which i've been playing quite recently, an online game called Gunbound..... a pretty addictive game that resembles Worms, but it has it's own style... u get to play with many ppl in the world... but recently, it has became Sgrean's paradise game.... lolz
enuf of entertainment....
back to main topic....
i have spoken of it b4, that me... that I... have no more drive, no more goals.... no more confidence, no more of the me that i used to be... a talk over irc last night with a fren, taught me an important lesson, that i've been simply avoiding life altogether...., no, we didn't talk abt such sophisticated philosophy, but abt r/s matters....
that's another thing that's been on my mind all this time... for more than the 2 weeks that i've been MIA... i figured, i have never actually let go of the past... i still want the past... i still yearn for that feeling... yet.... it can never come back to me.... which brings me to edlow's thread, abt the wallet.... pretty true.... and of course, that also.... led me to understand myself... that i'm still avoiding r/s altogether... still wanna be stuck in my shell..... a part of me wants to try out something new, yet a part of me( the major part now..) is reluctant to move....
something else here put me to further my avoiding skills, that i simply juz gave emotions, feelings away... hidden deep within me.... for those who watch Ch U "qian nu yu hun" i think i'm like that "Yan HongYe" character... a person who can't face up to emotions... so much that everything's hidden.. or fake.... i simply can't understand myself anymore.....
oh well, that's a handful of info for 2 weeks of MIA, will write again when in the mood... ciaoz~ -
a walk down memory lane...
been ard the area of where my ex used to stay... got into the same mistakes, i've done b4... back to my sch area too.... nostalgia sank in, deeply...
over the course of time of these weeks/days?? i've figured, that i still can't win myself.... even the "white-haired" "Yan Hongye" oso can fall in love... oso can have emotions, y can't i??
from the thread in AA, i've learned some things from Yun and devil... in a way, it's true... very true.. yet... as alwiz, advice, stays as advice, unless it's taken into a form of action by myself....
i am not lying when i say i can't feel, because i juz duno what's the fuzzy feeling of love anymore. i may feel it somewhere, somehow... yet... i can't really understand that feeling, i might be juz imaginating things...
how does one... love? like? feel?
really, seems like r/s isn't my cup of tea, for now, for a long long time... i dun even noe what's the feeling of heart beating faster when i see that girl..... nor do i noe the heartaches of seeing her being down.
i guess only in movies, in shows, can a world be so perfect... can a world be... such a fantasy.
fear, i fear myself more and more with each passing day.
fear, the greatest enemy that has grown in me, i have yet to defeat
fear, i am afraid, i am unsure which path to take
fear me, fear me not, fear me for i break other's hearts
fear me not, for i do not break the loyalty on my brethren's words
fear...... -
fatigue, restlessness..... unsettling thoughts....
argh someone help! programming.... something which i've not done for ages, and doing it once again..... helping my classmates with it at the moment.... hahaha, but..... after meddling with it for a while... still can't find out what's the prob... seems like i'm not cut out for such things again?
well, enuf of that.....
back to main stuff....
been running ard for a while... seems like i've not gotten tired of running away from the truth, the reality..... there seems to be something in my mind, and yet, there seems to be nothing in my mind too....
things that plague my mind are nothing but just my own imaginations... and my own foolish thoughts.... i see clearly now that my feelings are actually easily controlled by myself.. yet i just refuse to let it happen.
not willing to move forth, just running away, running back into the dark past that i once was... hiding, unable to face the present... let alone the future...
i'm sorry for leading you on, leading myself on... i'm sorry for letting you feel that way, sorry for letting myself feel this way.....if only i could forgive myself.... if only i can just let myself try... things would've been much different.
i may just be a very selfish heart.. yet i'm sure there's a part of me which can and wants to reach out.
forgiveness is hard to recieve,
when it comes from self
redemption is hard to achieve,
when the self condemns
liberation seems so near yet far,
held back by self-constraints... -
from today, i shall write my diary in a blog... like what many ppl are doing here's the link....
My blog -
seems like i'm lazy to update any blogs, but i juz realised there are many missing blogs here, what happened??