Dear Diary (AD Edition)
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sometimes thoughts come into my mind... creeping... taking me by surprise.... a thought which i cannot fathom...
there are things i want to do, yet are restrained for some complications in life.... i try to smile it off.. i try to laff it off...
but.. it comes back to me again at night....
i try not to think of what tomorrow brings... yet i yearn for things that will never be....
i daren't hurt ppl's feelings, i daren't even hurt an insect.... am i juz plain weak? or i'm juz too kind hearted??
i fail to see my own flaws, but i see it in the reflections off my frens... my mirror to my inner self...
sighz... guess i'll continue tomolo..... -
today is a day of rest for me... weather's fine enuf (warm) for a relaxing nap.... but ended up playing pool with a gd fren...
things still feel very messed up within me... i still can't come to terms with the internal conflict i have within me...
i keep to myself too much... too many things left unsaid, to many things left undone...
perhaps i shld follow the song... "come undone" by robbie williams??
or maybe i juz need to learn how to communicate?? -
finally got a chance to loosen up... today...
things didn't go quite as planned, but at least i can get in touch with myself slightly more.....
what one hides within his heart, is often what one wants to have...
confused at something that i shouldn't have doubted... i am stuck between choosing a dream, or a reality.....
but things that are never meant to be, will never mean to be.... -
went to play some tennis (i'm hopeless at it...) and swimming (numero duo for hopelessness) today....
did some thinking... but.. i'm still confused... the only thing that can make me feel at ease, is when i can finally choose the path to be moving on...
i'm so lost.. like a lost sheep in search of a place of comfort.... yearning for warmth.... i can get some, from the "wool"(self-pity? or self-confidence?) and some from frens... but.. that...... is not what i am looking for...
how shld i face up to this matter...? i wouldn't noe..... -
quite an uneventful day
aching all over from the exercise y.day...
dreaming an impossible dream..
i ask for more than i can be given
hoping for a dream that i can hold in my arms
yet all my efforts will come to naught
fairytales will never come true
and dreams will forever stay as dreams...
sighz... -
hmm.... juz a little quick posting in this here ol' diary for now...
made a BIG screw up in the early morning... went to wrong class.... hahahahaha
so that means i need more slp...
but i think i may have gd looking gers in my class... juz a hope... cause the lecture hall wasn't that full... oh well... hope the class later isn't too bad... =P
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woke up late, and went to class late....
but sorta expected... due to late night slp...
feeling kinda new... to the studying environment.... and trying to noe ppl..... haha..
enuf of my crap, continue later -
crap....hahaha
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t'was meant to be crap in the beginning as well.... -_-"Originally posted by tiggersgd:crap....hahaha -
feelings.... of unjust.... of uncertainty... of despair overwhelm my very existance.....
feelings where doesn't belong... feelings of restlessness... fills the air.....
what one can do, and what one is limited to do... is alot....
perhaps... when there are no rules, no regulations, no restrictions.. then one can finally break free of the curse that surrounds him....
a curse... built up by hatred, built up by the walls of isolation... and searing pain..... removes the courage to carry on....
tears do not flow, smiles become dull.. the light just fades away...
locked up is my emotion... cursed is my life... till the day i die... i seek.... for an end........ -
my lapis lazuli really affects... me....
in many ways than one.... need some more research on it...
forces of unexplainable truth... acting upon us, like water over rocks....
molding us, changing us.... to what our fates will be....
that's... life...? -
deciet.... is that what drives ppl now??
is it such that lies sustain ppl, more than truths?
the "norm" in which we are living - have been living in... was it built upon layers of lies?
the more i look at it, the more i think the society is old, and crumbling... the "norm" is just a way of "running away from reality" where the idea of "good vs. bad" has sunk into the deepest recess of the minds.... of ppl...
there's no good, nor bad... yet... there's alwiz actions that demand such judgement... is it not, left for the gods to judge? how is it that ppl are judged instead?? by humans themselves??
the world, now twisted, demented, will head for further ruin.... -
enjoyed myself pretty much y.day...
the hofs outing was a good turnout...
things which seemed overcast with shadows.. slowly showed some light... but a little... is juz a beginning...
ppl have been praising me for the songs i've sang, and my looks...
frankly speaking, i'm flattered.... but... i noe how good i am...=)
really thx to all hofs ppl who made the outing possible. -
sch's a mess today.... woke up late, and missed a lecture.... but had the WEIRDEST of dreams....
some kind of kung fu flick went on in my dreams..... then suddenly, esteee from the sians call me up for an outing to chevrons..... to sing song... i was like... HUH??? then i poped up and had the outing with the sians and sorta talked to www, dotsg and so on... so weird.... haha -
courage..... one which i find hard to show, hard to express within me... there are things that i want to do, to say, but i can't seem to find the right time, nor the right words to say when i'm near her....
actions... they seem to speak alot about what i feel... yet... the feelings are never mutual, in this one-sided facade....
a dream, a never ending cycle of lies, and concealment.... that's what i do not want....
i want to break free (pun not intended...) from this "curse" yet... i noe very well... i'm not in any position to express my feelings as of yet.... for i do not wish to lose a fren.....
sometimes.... things... may juz have to be like that.... in a cycle of never ending concealment of feelings....... -
things may seem impossible.... unable to achive.... very... distant for me right now...
if only things weren't so complicated.... if only things had been in control....
feelings are not things that can be easily controlled as i've found out, locked away, for quite some time... i thought to myself... that i may not love again.... yet.. this feeling, seeps into my heart, thawing it from it's frozen state..
but.... even as it thaws... my reluctance takes over... and i am filled with decisions to make... what path i shld take, or is it worth it....?
worth it or not, i dun think it matters, what matters most is that i'm happy with the situtation that i'm in... and even though she doesn't noe... i'm ok with it.... efforts placed in, i am trying... though not good enuf, but at least i'm trying to like....
heart feels heavy, heavier than that when it's thawed... perhaps it's the burden i keep within me, waiting to explode... i might juz let the whole world noe, and be ridiculed....
yet.... for the sake of her... i'll keep mum abt it... and i'll juz carry on being the way i am.... for... distance, is what makes the yearning feeling stronger.... and makes me feel....
perhaps she's not the one for me, but at least, she can be the one who makes me feel.... i believe... i might have a chance to love again... who noes??? -
lost... lost in my world.... lost in the mundane world of sorrows, of desires....
lost... a fren in need... a fren in deed... yet.. a fren being made used of.... without noticing the situation....
choice, to be truthful? or to feel for the person in need?
such a choice, i dare not make, for it could mean a life.....
lost...
in the ever thawing emotions that i'm trying to unleash....
lost... in the drowning sorrows... of my past, my shadows...
lost.. in the present turmoil that's raging in my head, my heart...
all boils down to choice...
a choice of whether a decision will make, or break a certain frenship....
life of choices, choices that i cannot make, choices that i daren't even take a step to fulfill.... though i can say that to encourage others......
what leaves me is juz a void... if longing, yet..... sighz..... -
settlement.... of thoughts... relaxed to a certain point where my frens reassured me things will be alright...
lead by one thing to the other... the outcome... is something i do not wish for, hope for to happen.... be it good or bad....
removing one's desires for longing someone, i've entered another state of feelings... slowly, it has become clearer to me, that i've gotten past the stage of crush.... juz a wish to protect her, to comfort her, and be there with her... it's no longer longing, rather, the feeling of needing to be there, is stronger....
yet.. future's uncertain.... rather i enjoy the company spent with her... than to let her noe... the week is ending soon, and another is starting soon... the truth will soon unfold... or will it? -
peace... at ease with myself... understood that things have to be done, at the right time, right place, that things will fall into place, when peace is achieved....
and heard a news juz now, made me glad, someone close to me has been asked the Qns.... glad for that person.... but... whatever it is.... bless both of them.... =) -
things seem so peaceful now... ahhh, a new start tomolo.... sch again.. things often seem to be on the edge, until it's solved.....
problems, difficulties... fears.... once can face those that make us weak, we can overcome it, and become stronger....that's how we become stronger... and more mature... in a way...
got to rest liao, tomolo have to wake up early.... let this night's rest be a dreamless rest.... -
feeling terrible at the moment...
woke up with many dreams the previous night... but ended up with a cold that i took to sch....
felt terrible in the lecture hall.... so sick....
things alwiz dun seem to go right with ppl ard me.... i alwiz seem to be the support for them.... in a way..... yet... i seem to be falling, fading.... i can't really hold on that much longer... even the strongest pillars can be toppled over.....
i hope i can be strong enuf to be there for my frens... at least... that's what makes me alive.. my purpose is there to be there, to be with frens, helping them if they need my help.... otherwise.... i dun think i have any purpose in life..... -
friends....
they can be the pillar of ur life, they can be ur worst nightmare....
they are ur frens.... ur frens in need, ur frens who needs....
things are feeling so different.... yesterday, and today, frens... seem to have their own worlds, yet they connect with mine, thru some special magic that is placed in the air.....
it's this magic, that makes me close with them, whenever i'm down, i juz think of them, i get better, i feel better.....
there are times... the past juz flash in my mind, a flashback.... i juz can't shake off the fear, the coldness, the hurt.... it's juz haunting me.... but afterall... it's the past..... things that have shaped me today, things that make me close up on myself more and more... things that make me turn, and run, afraid to see the outcome, afraid to face up to what i could be doing, and can be doing....
the outcome of this fear, is self-pity, is hate, is anger, but that's all i can contain, in my heart...
frens... help me, unlock my heart, but, the more i feel, the more i become the me i used to be.... someone who is not good, someone who can be, and might be unpopular, strongly disliked.... i've worked hard to hold back, i will still hold back....until..... god knows when?
the paths i choose, often are difficult to travel upon, difficult to scale the heights to reach my destination.... in this way, i end up hurting myself more, hating myself more, mad at myself more.....yet... because of the frens i have around me...... i juz feel that i can carry on...
it's the ppl ard me, that makes me have a meaning in life anyways... not that i liked it that much since the time i locked my heart up. b4... the past me, the me that i have forgotten, i alwiz liked alot of things, my passion for singing, my passion for composing poems, to be lost in my own world, and yet still can bring smiles to ppl's faces... i can't seem to find that "me" anymore....
even if i can unlock the "me" that i have been seeking... i duno what's the outcome of it eventually... pain, hurt, sadness.... these 3 envelope my heart.... anger, hatred surrounds the 3 that hides the real me.
i'm a person of feeling, but i'm alwiz restricted in a funny way.... frens.. will be my life, without which, i'm as good as dead..... -
tired
the only thing i can describe abt my day today
so tired, that i thought i could faint any moment....
rest, all i need for now, will update tomolo -
truth, a matter of an objective view....
the truth that i have in my mind, the one which i noe i can be doing, can be following thru, ends up in a mental jail, things which i once did without much thought, now ends up not done, because i've learnt not to be selfish.....
i realised, things in this world can't be obtained EVEN if we try very hard, there are certain things we can reach the goal anytime, yet..... there are other things we can never reach.... and because of that, lies are built up to protect ourselves, to shield out the thoughts, to wallow in the shell, further.....
choice, that's the cause of our thoughts, when we choose to get what we want, even when we fail, it's still alright, for that lie that we make, will sooth our pains from failure....
or when we can't obtain sumthing.... we lie to ourselves too, to make it such that, the things that we wanted to reach out for, was juz nothing more than sumthing that didn't matter to us in the first place.....
lies... truths..... when will humans learn? i suppose truths.... are there, as well as lies, they stand side by side... so i think it doesn't matter..... -
this is both a diary entry and a message to someone who actually reads my diary....this person will have to know what i'm thinking....i do not wish to be misunderstood....
over the years that i've stayed on in sgforums, i've been thru ups and downs, my life has alwiz been revolving around the forums, and that's when the politics of forum life revolve around me....
there were certain times, when i let myself enter this politics, only to understand that it's a painful experience......
after about a few times of falling after being involved.... i'm somehow shapped into what i am now....
i pursue my own kind of justice, for i do not like the "norm" that we have all been living in. i've come to conclude that there's no right, nor wrong, for it's all subjective to personal ideals and the "norm" of lifestyle.
i've tried to live my life following this concept, which unfortunately, backfired at me very very drastically. and that set me thinking again, abt my so called "concept"
ideals, and dreams, are there, but they have to "blend" into the "norm" of the society, or else the person to suffer is the one who seeks out the "ideals and dreams"
now i still think that there's no right nor wrong, but i do believe in doing the "right things", to which ppl who still have the same mindset of following the "norm" will find as harmless.
ppl usually do not gossip or talk abt a particular person if he is deemed "good", mostly they talk abt the "bad" points. so i ended up seeking my justice and following alongside the "norm". and things seem ok until today... nothing too volatile....
to the person i wish to dedicate this entry to, pls try to understand the responsibilities of making a decision, we can't be selfish until we ignore the "norm", it will only make our lives more miserable.
you know who you are, my dear.....