A day in the mind of a gal like me...
-
Diarina,
Things much better today. Bounced back to normal already, I'll say. It always will... At least I can hope...
Did something really crazy today~! Still can't believe I did that! Major embarrassment! Won't do it again... On second thoughts, maybe I might... Goodness, what ever happened to me...? Must be the drums. Went drumming today. Good as usual
Then... errr...
Don't ask unless you really want to know. All I'll say is that it's really crazy, totally unlike me... and really embarrassing!!! Though it's fun, and I'll do it again~! But ouch~ I got hurt... That adds to the shame I'm feeling right now... Though I'd do it again~ 
First step to establishing self-confidence -done!
Rythmn'
En' -
Diarina,
Desmond the kitten, died...
They are burying him tonight...
A young life like his, barely two weeks old... Gone, in the blink of an eye. Just like that... Would it be a release for him? Or an eternal prison?
What is life to something that young? How does it view death...?- "ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
if the lord won't have thee,
then the devil must"
Mexican children often sing that... Is that the jeer of children at adults' irrational fear of death? Or merely a threat, a reminder that life will end...?
The snow storm begins'
En' -
Diarina,
I've always heard from an astrological point of view, that people with aquarius in their charts fear intimacy... I wonder if that is true... I am not sure that I fear intimacy, not sure that i don't. Just that I cannot get close to a person. Everytime. Always. I will forever end up feeling and getting hurt. I wonder why...
Maybe I expected too much. Everytime. None of my close friendships last. Another friendship about to go into the drain, I fear... Sad. Looking for answers. Waiting for answers. Will I finally know what goes on? Or will it escape me yet again. Answers... Setting a deadline for the friendship, setting a deadline for myself, setting a deadline for fate.
Maybe I'm wrong in doing so... Still... If I get hurt now, it'll sting really bad. Yet if I continue waiting, watching, it'll hurt more in the future when the friendship really goes, as all signs pointed that it will... Sunday night. Midnight. Is it too rushed? Will i get an answer before then...? Will i ever be able to trust another again? Everytime I really feel that I can open my heart, I get hurt. Everytime I really trust someone really deeply, again, I get hurt. Is it worth it? Should I ever trust again...? Do they care?
Sunday night'
En' -
The world moves day by day, tirelessly spinning round and round.
Time never stops counting, changing day into night and back.
Yet I have stopped moving, has the world changed?
I did not move with the time, with the world.
I did not see it coming my way, the changes.
Will i understand all these soon? -
The past is my safety zone, one that i seek refuge from.Originally posted by AngelDark:The world moves day by day, tirelessly spinning round and round.
Time never stops counting, changing day into night and back.
Yet I have stopped moving, has the world changed?
I did not move with the time, with the world.
I did not see it coming my way, the changes.
Will i understand all these soon?
One i seek to escape from... and one day, i will finally succeed.
One day, i will move on.
Life is what i had long given up understanding of.
The answer is not what mattered, the questions never-ending.
It's not the destination that matters, but the journey,
life is short, life is Sensual.
Live it. Love it. Die it.
Most of all, accept that none will comprehend it. -
Diarina,
Got some chocolates today~! Actually, got A LOT of chocolates today~ Was at the cold storage in Holland Village, when saw the novelty chocolates for hallowe'en!!! Bought some last year and lurve them, so i am planning to get some more this year! Wahahaha! Chocola~cious! I especially love the one with the sour-sweet filling!!! Yum!!! Anywayz, I only bought two packets this evening, and i've already finished them So much for my diet 
I bought a dress the other day, material is similar to lycra. Fits like a second skin. Accentuate my assets but also shows all my flaws... Was planning to wear it on my birthday, thus was on a diet... Though right now... erm... I'll leave that dress to next year bah... Find something else nice to wear, coz after all, it is my special day! I love birthdays!!!
Best part is, my birthday is so near hallowe'en that ever since i learn abt this day (in pri 2, and ever since, lamenting that singapore don't celebrate it...), I took it for granted that hallowe'en is a celebration of my special day~! 
Well I mean, at least i know i won't be celebrating alone mah... sides' i've always been a twisted kid, so it fits me purrrfectly~!
Also found a bar of hershley's kisses~! I just gave me a whole row of kisses as well. Today's a chocolatey day for me~!
Chocolate heaven'
En' -
Diarina,
I think i'm gonna be sick, drank too much coffee liaoz... Recently, can't quite get even four hours of sleep per night, want to nap also end up tossing and turning in bed... haiz~
Stupid projects~! One down, three more to go... All of them, due tml... or later... depends on how you see it. Wahhhhhh, i miss sleep... Sick of coffee, sick of school... serves me right i guess, procrastinate somemore lah... Duh~
Mom went to china yesterday... Missed her already Heh, as usual, always wanting something i cannot have... Don't remember missing her cooking this much when she's around... Hmmmz, heart hurt, pride hurt, head hurt... Wonder if is all of them hurting or just one of them trying to take over my consciousness... Well, it's succeeding, that's for sure...
Confused again, and i thought i had everything figured out... Grrrgh...! Something's gonna happen soon, good or bad, i don't know... Just that a lot of hints had been thrown at me, again Feeling rather uneasy... and super tired... Then again, I dare say is just the schoolwork....
Note to self, next time, make sure to find out about all assignment due dates one week, not one day before they are due
Darn~! Will be lucky to get an hour of sleep this night... Tired...
Sleepy and hating coffee'
En' -
Diarina,
I'm sick. Officially.
I can still feel all the coffee i drank from last week... urrghhhh... somehow i have a feeling i won't quite touch that stuff for a long time, tempting though it might appear. 
Had a great breakfast today, and was feeling really fine. Then, had chocs and chips for lunch... More junk for dinner, mainly coz i was lazy to go out and i didn't quite feel like dining alone... Big mistake. Can feel world war 3 in my tummy right now... Extremely nauseous... arrrgh...
My four due assignments are completed. Now left with one project due tml and one on tue... Surprise, surprise!!! I don't even comprehend a single bit... It's dictionary hugging night tonight... grrrgh...
Still lost, feeling confused. Thought everything would become clearer. It didn't. At least i don't feel so emotionally constipated anymore. Pardon the crudness i am and will continue to display, i'm nauseous, stressed and grouchy, and am suspecting it's the onset of another bout of PMS. I do wonder what i am gonna do next, wondering and fearing... What might happen next...? Prolly nothing, duh~! Oh well... My fren's coming over, at least i'll have some company while i'm sick... Though i do feel kinda sorry for her, coz i'm not very good company at this very moment... Maybe i can even get her out to eat with me later... that is if the different junk in my tummy decides to sign a peace treaty.
No need sleep tonight le, fin tml project. No need sleep tml too, fin proj for tue... Hope for some r&r on tue, i need that... Nowadays sleep less than 4 hours can automatically jump up liaoz... at least i managed to sleep the whole day today, other than woke up to eat of coz... Darn but life is good! Until the after-effects sets in, of coz... Now, wait for the friend. Next, face the stress.
Nauseated'
En' -
Diarina,
School's out!!! Yeay!!! I actually survived this whole term of school! Wow! Erm... Only problem being, I don't quite remembering actually attending classes even though my time is spent in school...
Heh, have been feeling much much better! Hoping i don't ever get that nauseous feeling again, too horrid to think of it even! urrrgh... Though i still can feel a coating of choc and a coating of coffee in my tummy.
My mom's back~! She got me a bracelet, of quartz~! Clear quartz and amethyst! So coolz~
My b.day's nearing... Excited!!! Hmmm, don't care, must do what i can to try 'improve' myself before my day! and must thoroughly enjoy myself before that moronic exam week... Meanwhile, study, study, study.
I can have a very intense concentration, just focusing on a singular thing that i choose to. Study will be the word of the day~! Erm.... Start Monday bah, I think i deserve a little rest! Mwahahaha oops! Though I wonder if i might be too distracted to focus even, but then again, i just might get lucky... I've always been lucky I might even pass!
Answers are elusive, always have been, always will be. It should not matter, yet it does. I wonder if the answers i hold for me are the right ones. For right now, whether the answer is right or not, it doesn't quite seem to matter anywayz... Perhaps it's time for me to re-evaluate my questions, perhaps later...
Amethyst Dreamz'~
En' -
Diarina,
I studied today! Can you believe that? I actually studied today!!! Hahahaha, well, i did spend 5 hours on one book, glancing through most of the chapters, realising that my notes are incomplete, and fretting about exam, but i actually got through two to three chapters and (the amazing part :arrow
i actually understood it!!! (Well, most of it anyway...) Now don't you laugh, it's not nice to laugh at another's accomplishment! And believe me you, it IS an accomplishment, to me at least... Though wat the heck, I actually managed to study!!! Gosh~ Still can't get over that!
Was walking to westmall today, it was drizzling, and i though i had the answer i needed... It all just felt right, in place, comforting... Just felt nice... cold, but... felt right. Once i step into the mrt shelther, the rain poured! It was like the rain held out for me, waiting for me to get into the shelther before it's release. Normally, I'd love to have danced in the rain, ok maybe not dance, strolled more like. Especially with the thunder and the type of slashing rain today, but i was meeting a friend, and i dun especially fancy meeting a fren drenched. Not in my normal state of mind anyway.
Then... I wasn't so sure of my answer anymore. It's just like a gamble, want to, but am hesitant to, never quite sure where i stand, never quite sure wat i want. The win is not that fantastic, but i never liked to lose, and i never lose. Either i bet and win or i leave the table, but sometimes, i just get tempted, and play the game even when i know i have a lousy hand and will lose anyway. Just for the thrill of it, maybe? I don't know. I lost the game, but walk away with some wisdom, some insight. That why i never lost. In fact, no matter what you do, in this big big game called life, you can never ever lose. You'll do well to remember that, but then when the payment gets painful, even i'll need a lil' reminder too~! I hope i get the answer soon, it's really driving me crazy, or maybe i should just forsake my initial bet and leave the table. At least that way, i'll have a peace of mind. Right? Though i do wonder if i will regret that i do, coz then, i wouldn't know wat might have happened and wat lesson i'll gain.
Long entry. As usual. Crazy me. Am gonna go try study!!! Maybe i'm not that hopeless after all. Gonna start my counters again!
Counting'
En'
2 days then hallowe'en
3 days to birthday
4 days to comedy on chn 8 (life's sad enough already, be grateful for a laugh :twisted
5 days to start of exam
9 days to end of exam
and
10 days to hols!!! -
Diarina,
Just sorta woke up... Don't ask. Actually, i also dunno why... Usually when stressed or feeling down in the dumps, or even just slightly under the weather, i can just sleep for hours. And I mean long, long hours. Now I feel very stressed and not very well, and cannot sleep somemore. This is reaaaalllly bad.
Living in my own reality with my own distorted mind, a general lack of time and a screwed up biological clock. Nosebleed two nights in a row. So confused that war seemed like a routine for gymnastics. Gee, but isn't life all fluffy and flowery right abt now? I'm whining again, i know...
Gotta start thinking more materialistically... Last time when my school days were practically worthless, still can enjoy myself. During 'O's still can go ice-falling. (So termed coz i'd strap on the skates and land on my butt once i step on the ice, without fail, everytime ) My frens did try to teach me to ice-skate, but never really succeed, nah it was too graceful a sport for a clumsy sports-hater like me! Ahhhh, the good old days. Now ar, just an exam mah, dunno why also, i stress until like that. Fail also not the end of the world, so wat's the big deal? Big deal is coz i'm bonded, i think. If i grad one sem later, meant my bond ends one sem later, meaning i'm stuck in this rut called life for one sem more!!! Depressing thoughts? You bet! That's supposed to motivate me to study, but it's giving me the reverse (read- moping and b*tching) effects instead.
Then my comp monitor burned out just now, lucky now can work again. Mouse still not working. You'd have think that it'd deter me from going online, tough luck! Anywayz, practically half of my sch material is online Wonder wat they have the school for!!! With or without the lecturers, it's unlikely that i'd understand or even study for them! Oh well, in case you wonder how i survive the last two years, save your breath and don't ask. B'coz, really, i do wonder myself... If you're feeling gracious enough for a lil' charity, wish me luck for my exam, diarina, coz i'm seriously gonna need all that i can get.
Lucks'
En'
Counting...
18 hours to hallowe'en
1 day to b'day
2 days to comedy
3 days to the end of the world
8 days to a rebirth
9 days to the first day of the rest of my life! (to the rest of Nov at least.) -
Diarina,
It's Hallowe'en!!! Finally~! The long awaited day in the year is finally here! Goodness, but I dun get to go celebrate this year!!! Sad huh... haiz~ Oh well, always a next year I suppose!
Some friends are gonna come over. Not very sure if I wanna see all of them. Hate crowds. Would rather be at a ritual, but... Oh well...! One of my fren is working as a make-up artiste at Coyote ugly. She's complaining that the crowds there are rude and nasty, very unappreciative... Oh well, that's singaporean's for you, rude and unappreciative. At leaste their nasty, shows that they are learning to stand up for themselves, which I don't think the gov will think is a good thing. Still is none of my biz, so wat the heck?!
I just suddenly don't feel like celebrating my b'day anymore. I mean, wat's the big deal? It's just another day Still, I really liked my presents this year, and I haven't even get all of them yet!!! Mwahahaha oops. Let's see, I got a lil' cash, and a wallet (which I'm pretty sure is imitation, and will prolly only use it tml before switching back to my trusted furry pouch), two bars of chocs, a candle-snuffer which really comes in handy, an amber square that smells really glorious and a book by Marion Zimmer Bradley. That book was fantastic! I know, where do I have the time for reading story books when I don't have the time to study right...? Well, see... I can't quite figure that out yet...
Might be walking around tml, might be sleeping at home. I don't know. Don't quite feel like going out... Still... Oh well, see my mood later bah... My friend said that she got a choc cake, a dangerous pressie (I hope it's a weapon of some sort, an antique looking dagger would be really coolz~), chardonnay and beer. Talk about wierd combinations. I'll be lucky if I dun get stomachache later... Better go prep now, get some chips and sodas, and see wat'll happen. I think i'll be going out tml, get my b'day pressie for myself... Hmmm... What should I get for me...? Hmmmz... Hahahaha. Till next time then diarina, gd nitez~!
Lurve'
En'
1 day to comedy
2 days to distruction
6 days to the first glimpse of hope
7 days to freedom!
and counting!!! -
counting down ..
1 more day to eat decent food
2 more days to book in dae.. -
Hey heyz~Originally posted by Transmission:counting down ..
1 more day to eat decent food
2 more days to book in dae..
How you been? Long time no hear from you le...
How many days till bookout again? Count that one, happier
Take care and eat more before go in bah -
Diarina,
Didn't get stomach.
Got headache and a really sore throat. Can't talk.
Really enjoyed myself on sat! The company was great, the food- glorious. Didn't really sleep that night though. Napped a lil' and woke without voice.
After she went off, it was all about medications and dozing offs.
The comedy sucked. I thought comedy had to be at least funny... Oh well...
Prickly'
En'
12 hours and 40 min to doomsday
4 days to revival
5 days to the new era.
and counting... -
Diarina,
Dropped my hp somewhere today.
Think I might have lost all my contacts liaoz~
Mom made me cancel the line for the time being...
Sianz~ Well, it was my fault... Too careless for my own good.
Grrrgh!
Well, on the bright side, at least for the time being... Erm... What bright side? Oh well, maybe is the fact that my mom can't check up on me now, and I'm officially not obliged to ans any calls from undesirable personnel. Plus factor, if I can't find my phone and get a new line, I'm not obliged to give that undesirable personnel my new number, and I hope my ex-schmates won't be too nosy this time.
Riiiiiiiing'
En'
Counting down to end of torture, 24 hours and 46 min to go... -
Diarina,
So long never update... Terrible penmanship... I know... Got miss me? No?! Really???
Went to Genting for the weekend. Just came back. The moment I reached the hotel, I fell violently sick... My tonsils acted up again. One of the worst episodes ever, vomitted both nights in a row and didn't get to go on any rides or walk around... Just cooped up in the hotel room... On the bright side, I didn't get a fever (I hate fevers~!) and I got ice-creams 3 days in a row! Well, my throat was so sore that all I could endure is anything that could numb the pain, and ice-cream works best! So... Though the doc did say no cold food or drink for me... Yeah... I spent my walking hours waiting in a clinic in genting... Sad huh!
Good news and bad news, diarina... Good news first okie? I passed my exams!!! I cleared everything!!! Yeay me!!! Don't ask me how I passed! I'm just glad I did! Wahahaha, and I did study this time... Well, at least for the first part of my study week...? *ahem* Still, Is better than nothing right??? I passed, I passed, I passed!!! And I was so worried, coz I almost had no idea what paper I was sitting for... Ok, so maybe I am exaggerating, I did know that I am sitting for papers related to my course of study... I just didn't know how to respond to it... Still, I passed! Now the bad news... I think I'm burning up... Hate fevers! Arrrgh~!
Hot~'
En' -
Diarina~
New year, new beginnings! Actually, it's a lil past new year, but... we've known each other long enough to care about this kinda things eh?
Update- 2003 was a really eventful year for me... Met so many new people and had so many fun... It's surprising really, how you know someone for less than a year yet felt as though you had known them for like a quarter of your life... Made many friendship and learned a fair deal of lessons... Healed a lil more, know myself a lil more, and gotten a lil more closer to finding what I seeked. Will always remember the tuesdays, skipping of school, somewhere/something in the middle of crazy september, and of coz~ X'mas...
Gonna move house soon, well... tml actually. and i'm supposed to be packing. Somehow, think I'm gonna be learning salsa. Think I need to work on my reading, work on my depth and improve my accuracy... Update on school- study only 7 weeks this sem, then is free labour time
Anywayz, second day of school and I skipped classes~ On the bright side, at least I waited till the second day right?
About time I pack my stuff, till next time then diarina...
Princess pink~
~*~ En' ~*~