My daughter goes to her grandma's house too often!

• Elves320

  19 Jul 10, 00:21

  Originally posted by Arapahoe:

  TS,

  Change the way of your Parenting style...

  Start by going to your inlaw hosue often and after dinner come back home with your daughter.....Get that Gees.

  Also your daughter is a Teen she is giving you message day 2 day.....so maybe you might want to change from controling parent to becoming "Her Friend" 

  Start to come down to her level and move away from controling parent. Stop judging her......She maybe seeking Space from your controlling style. but at the same time she might be seeking affection that she is not getting from you but grandmother.

  Have you ever had a "Girl Time out" alone with your Daughter / s

   

   

  Hmm true, i know that her rebellion is inevitable. maybe its because i didn't spend much time with her during her childhood. well trying to become her 'friend' is somehow an engaging thought. i will try not to limit  her freedom and see how it goes.

  btw, there's nothing wrong between my mother in law and I :)

• ShrodingersCat

  19 Jul 10, 08:44

  Originally posted by Elves320:

   

  Hmm true, i know that her rebellion is inevitable. maybe its because i didn't spend much time with her during her childhood. well trying to become her 'friend' is somehow an engaging thought. i will try not to limit  her freedom and see how it goes.

  btw, there's nothing wrong between my mother in law and I :)

  
  Then besides the fear that she 'treats grandma's home more like her own home',

  what is the real fear that you have? Cos.. besides maternal insecurity.. there's nothing essentially wrong with it. Humans are creatures of habit - she already formed the habit of being comfortable at Ah Ma's house, it is hard for her to change it without any push/pull factor.

  Why not plan some activity that you can spend with her at least ONE weekday and make it a 'date'?

   

   

• Arapahoe

  19 Jul 10, 09:53

  Originally posted by Elves320:

   

  Hmm true, i know that her rebellion is inevitable. maybe its because i didn't spend much time with her during her childhood. well trying to become her 'friend' is somehow an engaging thought. i will try not to limit  her freedom and see how it goes.

  btw, there's nothing wrong between my mother in law and I :)

  
  yeah "Girl time out" is like go out together and do some "nail"  or something both of you enjoy "together secretly" don't even let your husband know.....take the afternoon off from work find some thing to do with your daughter together. Break the routine once in a while it bring out fresh perspective. Your daughter will see it. she is old enough.  

  There are 2 perspective on this....

  1) children will growth up so shifting of parenting style from control - guiding/mentoring by friendship. She will gain confident and better in school work.....You kind of have to take proactive step to bond with her at every "stage" or else her friends and internet will take over. before the eventual "let GO"....

  2) Sometime you kinda of have to recall what you like and do at her age and lower yourself down to that level to be her friends. 

  Remember :   if you got something negative to say just hold your tongue for "Girls time out".  Just have fun.  non judging.

   

   

   

   

• themoment86

  20 Jul 10, 17:40

  get her grandma to stay with you...no bad influence...more bonding..one stone kill 2 bird. i am not kidding..

• Elves320

  20 Jul 10, 23:26

  for the suggestion on outing... i think the 2 of us pretty much don't have a common topic of interest and i expect her to give me short answers to my questions, if conversation does not work. i'm afraid she'll alienate me even more when she becomes irritated by my questions..

  and i can't get her grandma to move... it's too inconvenient for her

• dukedracula

  20 Jul 10, 23:44

  girls this age enjoy shopping, do shopping & lunch but not over-do it to spoil her, just some trendy items and such as a handphone, bag or something teenage girls like....and no questions, just a day of fun....

• Arapahoe

  21 Jul 10, 08:21

  Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:

  
  Then besides the fear that she 'treats grandma's home more like her own home',

  what is the real fear that you have? Cos.. besides maternal insecurity.. there's nothing essentially wrong with it. Humans are creatures of habit - she already formed the habit of being comfortable at Ah Ma's house, it is hard for her to change it without any push/pull factor.

  Why not plan some activity that you can spend with her at least ONE weekday and make it a 'date'?

   

   

  TS is right in wanting to assert maternal identity rather than grandmother. There are roles here. Thats how you bring up kids.

   

• Arapahoe

  21 Jul 10, 09:04

  Originally posted by Elves320:

  for the suggestion on outing... i think the 2 of us pretty much don't have a common topic of interest and i expect her to give me short answers to my questions, if conversation does not work. i'm afraid she'll alienate me even more when she becomes irritated by my questions..

  and i can't get her grandma to move... it's too inconvenient for her

  Hmmm.....i think you need some practice and certainly need to do homework on getting her "trust" before you can proceed.......start gathering information of what you know about your daughter?

  Determind the moment to talk to her when both of you are in syn. Eventually you have to find the right moment.........you know it when it happen.

  Take a few moment each Day and Visualized those "right moments" and visualized those "Happy" activities that "both" can do together.  

  i think some preparation such as

  1) reflecting what you were like when you were her age?  How do you speak at that age and what was actual intend?

  2) list down what you think she likes vs what you enjoy.

  3) Do you know her friends at school?  (Do you notice your daughter don't have friends at school?)

  4) when is her birthday do you ever give her a "birthday Bash" invite her friends small group?  Teen birthday party and kids birthday are different.  (that is the easyest thing to do to be part of her life! organized birthday ) 

  5) Did you know by building relationship between you and her; help your daughter to learn how to make friends in school.

  5) Activities helps to break the ice. you probably need to work on "Trust" from her. You must have hurt her at some point that you didn't even realized.

  6) Friends don't judge but have fun together.....and can relate.

  If you can't relate now....how do you proceed to the next topics.......

  7)she is a girl....eventual "girls talk"  share with her your first crush..."she will be shock" who is mom!!!........what i am trying to say is you have to break down first before she does.  bring your level down let her see you were once like her..... Tell her is perfectly normal to be interested in boys....the do's and don'ts 

   You certainly do not want her to learn flowers and bees from friends and internet.....So this "Friends thing is more important for you as a parent.....You want her to come to you in confident when she has questions on bees and flowers.

  What is not

  1) you sit in your room and tell your daughter you wanna be friends.......she is going to give you the strange Look.......and stay far away.

  2) don't asked question......if she don't like so long as you know she isn't going to Take drugs or get pregnant.

  3) Don't use her information to judge her.  she will stay away you for a long time.....

  All these takes time.....Good luck.

• mancha

  23 Jul 10, 01:22

  Maybe she's getting money from her grandma.

• Extract

  9 Aug 10, 01:32

  TS u dun cook at home do u? And i never hear you mention ur hubby where is he all this while?