haii so this is hotel heartbreak, didnt think i would ever need to post here. i always thought that r/s problems are not worth getting troubled over, that i wont ever allow myself to be found in such a situation, yet i cant seem to find peace within the depths of my soul.
prolly just sharing how i feel, to let off whats inside for so long.
in primary three, i had a crush on this guy who sat beside me. its like puppy love, cant remember why i liked him then. i think its because we interacted quite a lot, sitting beside each other, and he was really good looking.
as time passed, and hormones surged during puberty, i had many crushes on the other guys, BUT these crushes lasted a short time and when i had no other guys to crush on, i would go back to liking my first crush. call me stupid or whatever, but that was how silly and foolish i was in primary school, that shy student who had crushes but never had the guts to confess. whenever i had a new crush, i would keep it to myself and only limit myself to stealing glances at my crush. i dont even try to make myself more noticeable to my crushes, so its more of a one way thing. but hey, that was in primary school and i was content just given the chance to stare at my crushes.
by primary six, i realised that i still "kinda like" my first crush. in fact, for the entire year, i wasnt crushing anyone, prolly due to psle. i just had feelings of liking for him.
in sec school, went to a non co-ed school and lost contact with my crush. after all the other crushes faded, i keep going back to liking him, occasionally thinking about him and just missing him. for four years it was like that
in jc now and i dont know if fate is playing with me or what cos we ended up
in the same jc. i saw him on the first day, didnt get a chance to say hello for a while. somehow there is this sense of awkwardness whenever i see him, like he knew that i liked him and he was embarrassed about it too. but the thing is, i dont even know if he remotely likes me in the first place.
its really nice just seeing him along the corridors or in the canteen. whenever i do talk to him, i feel ok, dont blush or show sighs of likeness for him at all. i feel just like an ordinary friend to him. its only when i dont see him that i start thinking about him, missing him and liking him, weird huh
the thing is, i dont even know much about him at all, even in primary school, the time when we were closest. dont know what kind of person, he is, the things he is or is not. the things i know about him are the characters and personalities that he portrays and possess as a primary school student. so its like, i dont know him at all. its like liking a total stranger. i dont even know if i should like him, because its like a waste of time to be liking a person you dont know, just liking what is outside and not knowing what is inside
anyway, i really hope that he is more than a piece of eye candy, after having that crush on him for so long. i have no intention of confessing, because sometimes, i dont even know how i can feeling about it myself. ill just look at him from afar and say hi and chat a little. thats what ive been doing but i feel like something's amiss. i feel weird about it. argh i dont know how im feeling, just confused i guess. feeling vulnerable right now, but im feeling much better after penning down the thoughts about this secret for so long. the only comfort is that my identity is kept anonymous so i dont feel so embarrassed talking about it.
