JOKES, JOKES AND MORE JOKES
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There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of ''writing a letter.'' One day, Daddy said to his daughter, ''Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter.'' The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said,
''The red ribbon is coming out, not now.'' The girl went back to the daddy and told him.
One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, ''Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.''
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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing!?!" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing!?!" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television, with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
He replied, "What's it look like? I'm watching the game with my son-in-law."
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What did Monica Lewinsky say when she got fired?
I had a good job and I blew it.
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A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, Â’YouÂ’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.Â’
The cats says, Â’Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.Â’ God says, Â’Say no more.Â’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, Â’All our lives weÂ’ve had to run. WeÂ’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldnÂ’t have to run anymore.Â’ God says, Â’Say no more.Â’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
Â’How are you doing? Are you happy here?Â’
The cat yawns and stretches and says, Â’Oh, IÂ’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels youÂ’ve been sending over are the best.
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A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female." The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish...that all the bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!" Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the bears in this world to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay." -
This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service his hens. He got himself a new rooster and let him loose with the old rooster. The young rooster went right over to the old rooster and challenged him to a fight. The old rooster said, "Sonny, IÂ’m too old to fight. Just follow me around, and IÂ’ll show you the place." The young rooster agreed and started to follow the old rooster around. The old rooster showed him the barn, then the hen house...then started to run. The young rooster thought the old rooster was trying to pull a quick one, so he chased after him madly.
All of a sudden, there came a loud "Bang!" and there stood the farmer, muttering "Dangit, thatÂ’s the third gay rooster IÂ’ve had to kill this month."
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnÂ’t pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, IÂ’m a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
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David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every second word was an expletive. Those that werenÂ’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the birdÂ’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming. Then suddenly there was silence.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out on to DavidÂ’s extended arm and said: "IÂ’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the birdÂ’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued; "May I ask what the chicken did?"
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A blind guy and his seeing eye dog walk into a store one afternoon and proceed up and down the aisles until they reach the center of the store. The blind man then picks up the dog and starts swinging it around and around over his head. Soon a salesman approaches him and asks what heÂ’s doing. The blind man replies, "Oh, just having a look around."
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A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesnÂ’t know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesnÂ’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It ish. How old am I?"
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Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, Dammit, I said UP.Â’Â’ -
IF YOU ARE TRAPPED IN A ROOM WITH A LION, A COBRA AND A MANCHESTER UNITED FAN, AND YOU ONLY HAVE A SHOTGUN WITH TWO BULLETS, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?
SHOOT THE MANCHESTER UNITED FAN, TWICE. -
A man claimed he could name any animal that was dead and what gun killed it with his eyes closed. His friends dewcided to test him. They blindfolded him and laid down a bear in front of him, and the man felt it and said ''This is easy -- it's a bear that was killed with a pistol.'' His friends were astonished. Next, they placed a wolf in front of him, and the man felt it and said ''This is very easy -- it's a wolf killed by a rifle.'' This went on for hours and hours without the man guessing wrong once. Soon his friends became tired and they quit.
The next morning the man woke up to see that he was all black and blue from being beaten. ''Gee, I don't remember getting into a fight last night,'' the man said. He turned to his wife and asked why he was all black and blue. The wife replied ''I beat you last night, you bastard.'' ''Why did you do that?'' the man replied. ''Because last night you reached down my pants and felt my crotch and said 'dead skunk killed by a harmful odor!'''
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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.
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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.''
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.''
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are you?''
''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.
''Oh yeah?'' the man asked... ''And where the hell were you when I got married?''
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This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next. The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!"
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There are three men in a hotel each wanting a room.
The porter of the hotel says, “All the rooms are booked except for one room with a kingsize bed.”
The three men are too tired to go to another hotel so they decide to take the room.
The next morning, the three men wake up and the man on the left side of the bed said, “Wow, I had vivid dream of getting a wonderous hand job.”
The man on the right said, “Yeah, me too.”
The man in the middle said, “You two are disgusting, I had an ordinary dream that I went Skiing.”
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Every time PeterÂ’s mother invited her lover to their home, she put Peter in the closet. One day her husband came home early, so her lover quickly hid in the closet with the boy.
"Hey, mister," Peter said, "itÂ’s kinda dark in here, isnÂ’t it?"
"Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is."
"Hey, you wouldnÂ’t want to buy my old baseball, would you? My dad just bought me a new one."
"No, you donÂ’t really need baseballs in my line of work."
"If you donÂ’t buy my baseball," Peter said, "IÂ’ll tell my dad where you are."
"All right, all right," the lover groaned, "IÂ’ll buy your damn baseball. How much is it?"
"Fifty dollars."
The man didnÂ’t want to pay fifty dollars for a baseball, but he decided he had no other choice. The boy figured he was on a roll, so he asked, "Hey, mister, you want to buy my glove?"
The lover didnÂ’t even bother arguing: "How much?"
"A hundred dollars!" The man had just finished paying up when the woman opened the door and said the coast was clear.
The next Sunday, the boy went to confession because he felt guilty for having conned his motherÂ’s lover out of a hundred and fifty bucks. "Hey, mister," he said, climbing into the confessional, "itÂ’s kinda dark in here, isnÂ’t it?"
The voice groaned, "Not you again!" -
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Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.
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Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S ???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!
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Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was afternoon meal & left leg evening meal what would you prefer?
Boyfriend: Eating between meals
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Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead!
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How do you teach a girl maths? Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
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Lady : "I want a good vibrator";
Salesman: "Ma'am you may select one from our range that is displayed on that wall";
Lady : "O.K. I'll take that red one";
Salesman: "Sorry, that's our fire-extinguisher";
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A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of the child.. The mother said: "I gave birth to him - he's mine"; The father said: "I put a coin in the pepsi machine and a can comes out - the pepsi belongs to me! not to the machine !!"
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A girl says to her boyfriend, "One kiss and I'll be yours forever." The guy says 'thanks for the warning'
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A Husband Was Asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"
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Definition of a Gynecologist: Someone who looks for problems where others look for pleasure!!!
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Man to wife on wedding night-"Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?' "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!' -
Download edited spiderman from here starring buffy ... very funny =.D but takes
awhile to dnload =.(
http://fun.s-one.net.sg:8080/pub/movies/Spiderman_Spoof.mpg -
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree
in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him
was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went
back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's
house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and
proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man
asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you
happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of
my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We
all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people
happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my
neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big
posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took
her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything
ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a
few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got
lost once."
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A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.
After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.
The man asked, "How often do I take these?"
"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you," replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."
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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fishes?"
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A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."
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There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.
The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.
The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.
The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help.
As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?
The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."
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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a
redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to
study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word
they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they
thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down! -
Originally posted by shock1234:Download edited spiderman from here starring buffy ... very funny =.D but takes
awhile to dnload =.(
http://fun.s-one.net.sg:8080/pub/movies/Spiderman_Spoof.mpg
So that girl was buffy. -
So Bo LiaO AR!!