A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "What did you do?" asks the doctor. I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
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police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.
Officer: May I see your driverÂ’s license?
Driver: I donÂ’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the ownerÂ’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: ItÂ’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: ThatÂ’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the ownerÂ’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: ThereÂ’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. ThatÂ’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: ThereÂ’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: WhoÂ’s car is this?
Driver: ItÂ’s mine, officer. HereÂ’s the ownerÂ’ card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if thereÂ’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but thereÂ’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said thereÂ’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I donÂ’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnÂ’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, IÂ’ll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too.
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After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.
"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!"
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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
