Jokes to relief u on Mondays blues
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A middle age woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operation table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone to come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital, after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you." -
A young feller is brought home to meet the folks. His girl greets him at the door and says, "I'm sorry, I'm running late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my folks. And I, uhh, forgot to tell you, they're both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and pours a glass of water over her ass. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. "Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. The girl explains. "Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this a55hole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, f**k him - I'm watching the match.'"
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monday over soon liao u now than post..haha
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Ah Beng bought a Mitsubishi EVO recently and drove to Ah Lian's
place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was, telling and
bragging the various functions of his new car to his
girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
"Somemore hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and
floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped
backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What are u doing?!!! U Siao Char Bo! U see lah!!!
Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng.
"Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for
racing mah!"* -
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'turn around.'"
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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his axe into water. God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe? God asked.
The woodcutter said "No".
God again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe? God asked.
The woodcutter said "No".
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe? God asked.
The woodcutter said, "Yes".
God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the three axes.
The woodcutter went home happily. One day while he was walking with his wife along the river, his wife fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"My wife has fallen into water."
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife? God asked.
"Yes", he said.
God was furious, YOU CHEAT! Now I am going to curse you..."
The woodcutter quickly said, "Forgive me My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I say "No" to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also say "No" to her, you will finally come up with my wife and I will say, "Yes". Then you will give all the three to me. I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So that's why I've to say "Yes"... -
There was a Japanese who went to America for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Japanese leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, " Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but kept quiet. And this went on for a quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive. Thereupon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!" -
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
~ she called me to get my phone number.
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
~she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
~she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
~ they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
~ under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.< DON'T LAUGH IT'S HAPPENED!!! : )~>>>
~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ~ at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put 'Sagittarius.'
~she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~ it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
~if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speachless.
~she studied for a blood test.
~she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
~she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
~she thought she needed a token to get on Soul train.
~she sold the car for gas money.
~when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
~she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. -
opps, now Tuesday liao.. should start another thread on Tuesday blues..
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too blues to start a new tread
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How Bosses View Men & Women
How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)
The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.
HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain.
HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal.
SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.
HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.
HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.
HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.
The boss criticised HIM.
He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticised HER.
She'll be very upset.
HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?
HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave. -
THE JOKE : one day i saw a post that i thought that could help me relieve my monday blues....i read and read...but it does not help...funny?
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Mus i laugh?Originally posted by De|usi0n:THE JOKE : one day i saw a post that i thought that could help me relieve my monday blues....i read and read...but it does not help...funny? -
yes, it a jokeOriginally posted by Xiao Long Nu:Mus i laugh? -
oic..................Originally posted by De|usi0n:yes, it a joke
HA ha ha
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hahahaha
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ha ha ha ha ha
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Originally posted by duotiga83:ha ha ha ha ha Originally posted by shock1234:hahahaha
x 2Originally posted by Xiao Long Nu:oic..................
HA ha ha -
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Originally posted by shock1234:
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lamer!Originally posted by shock1234: -
Jia You
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Originally posted by shock1234:
bias to the males
[b]How Bosses View Men & Women
How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)
The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.
HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain.
HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal.
SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.
HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.
HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.
HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.
The boss criticised HIM.
He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticised HER.
She'll be very upset.
HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?
HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.[/b]