Jokes to relief tension
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Here's my contribution
A car was involved in an accident in a street.
As expected a large crowd gathered.
A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, (as all media is these days ) he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey. -
hahaha.... good one bro...Originally posted by shock1234:Here's my contribution
A car was involved in an accident in a street.
As expected a large crowd gathered.
A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, (as all media is these days ) he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
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1st Scene.
Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room,right in front of their
little son.
Daddy : Oh!!! You B|tch!
Mommy : What?? You Bastard!
Son : Daddy, Mommy, what's B|tch and Bastard??
At this moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.
Daddy : It means Ladies and Gentlemen son.
Son : Oh I see!
2nd Scene...
Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex and there they
mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'. Mommy was reading the papers.
Son : Mommy, what's breasts and penises?
At this moment, mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.
Mom: It means coats and hats, son.
Son : Oh I see!
3rd Scene...
Daddy was shaving his beard and son passed by; the toilet. Suddenly daddy
cut himself and scream...
Daddy : Oh SH|T!!
Son : Daddy, what's sh|t?
At this moment, Daddy eyes bulged, and quickly thought of something to say..
Daddy : It means shaving cream, son.
Son : Oh I see!!
4th Scene..
Christmas is approaching, and mommy was stuffing the turkey into the stove.
The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said...
Mommy : Oh! Fu ck!
Son : Mommy, what's fu ck?
At this moment, Mommy froze.
She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy : It means stuffing, son
Son : Oh I see!!
5th Scene...
It's Chrismas Eve! Little son exuberantly opened the door to let all his uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house. Proudly he said...
"Welcome in, Bastards and B|tches! Please put all your breasts and penises
at that corner of the house ! My parent are busy at the moment. You see;
Daddy is putting sh|t on his face upstairs and mummy is fu cking the turkey in the kitchen. Don't worry they will come out in a minute!!
Everyone fainted!!!!!!!!!!
hehehe... so watch out wat u said infront of kids...
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i cant take it oredi...hahhaahhhahhhhahha
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hehehe.... glad u enjoy it...Originally posted by sgboy2004:i cant take it oredi...hahhaahhhahhhhahha -
A China pumpkin girl was visiting New York, went into a worldwide message centre wanting to send an urgent, important message to her mother in China.
The Italian guy at the counter told her it would cost around US$100. She exclaimed, " I don't have that kind of money, but I will do anything to get a message to my mother in China !
" The Italian smiled, arched an eyebrow and asked, " Anything ? " " Yes, I promise...anything ! " she said. With that, the Italian said, " Follow me."
He led her to the next room and said, " Come in and close the door. " " Get down on your knees ! " he ordered.
She did. " Unzip me ! " he said. She did. Then he said, " Go on...take it out. "
She did and grabbed it with both hands excitedly. The Italian closed his eyes and whispered, " Go ahead girl, what are you waiting for ?"
Ms China pumpkin girl slowly brought her lips closer and said loudly, " Hello....hello Ah Ma !!!..can you hear me ? -
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses come together again. I come again and pee twice.Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella "Mississippi". -
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was
too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of
the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not ! raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am,normally , I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." -
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "F**king Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" -
There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, after that I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
Moral of the story ...
Never lie to girls.
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A man was telling his neighbor,
"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical check-up. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'
" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
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An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call
your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago -
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellowed, "This is a birthday suit inspection. I wanna see y'all formed up outside butt naked now!"
So the soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up into three ranks. The sarge walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks; conserve your body heat!" So the men closed in tightly.
The captain came along with his swagger stick. He went to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest with it. "Did that hurt?" he yelled.
"No, sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, sir!"
The sergeant was impressed and walked on to the next man. He took the stick and whacked the soldier right across the rear. "Did that hurt?"
"No, sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walked to the third guy and noticed he had an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave this new target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick. "Did that hurt?"
"No, sir!"
"And why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, sir!" -
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $227.95.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. -
A man with a fifty inch penis goes to the doctor. "Please help me," he begs, "I can't have sex because all the women who see my penis run away screaming in terror."
"Well, son," says the doctor, "ethically it would be
impossible for me to shorten a perfectly good penis, but as
it happens I do know a witch in the forest who might be able to do something for you."
Well, the man is a bit skeptical, but he is desperate, so he takes the doctor's advice and instructions about how to find the witch and sets off to look for her. Sure enough, when he follows the path into the forest, he finds her mixing spells inside her hovel. "Witch," he says, pulling out his penis to show her, "the doctor tells me that you can help me shorten my penis so that women will have sex with me."
She scratches her head, blinks in amazement, then says: "I can help you. What you must do is go deeper into the forest and find the magic frog who sits on the stone in the pond.You must ask him to marry you, and each time he declines your proposal, your penis will shrink ten inches."
Being desperate, he'll try anything, so off he goes. And sure enough, before long he finds the magic frog croaking gently to himself. "Frog," he shouts, "Please marry me!" The frog doesn't think twice. "Sorry!" he croaks, "I can't do that. I'm a magic frog and you're a man. No." The man looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches! FANTASTIC! he thinks, but it's still too long for sex! "Frog," he demands, "please marry me!" The frog looks a bit annoyed, and croaks back "NO!"
The guy looks down - yep, it's true, his penis is only thirty inches long. What a whopper, he thinks happily, but it's probably is still too big. If I can just get it down to twenty inches, I'll be happy. He looks at the frog, and yells across the pond, "Oh, go on, froggy, marry me, pleeeeeease!"
The frog looks angrily back at him across the pond, shakes his head and shouts, "No .......NO.....AND FOR THE LASTTIME.....NO!" -
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were
determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their
"tourist" garb.They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again the two priests in mufti settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde,wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied. -
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore
at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the
results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. -
A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up, the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.
Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.
A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about. The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy and I told her it was going past the ballpark..."
The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"
The driver continued, She replied "Oh sh|t, I'm on the wrong bus!" -
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy
by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving." -
i love it.. any more?Originally posted by shock1234: -
no more liaoOriginally posted by Master -_-:i love it.. any more?
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Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.
Interviewer: Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh: Ok
Interviewer: Made in India
Banta Singh: Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer: Keep it Up
Banta Singh: Put it Down
Interviewer: Maxi Mum
Banta Singh: Mini Dad
Interviewer: Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh: Don't take my seat
Interviewer: Idiot! Take your Seat
Banta Singh: Clever! Don't take my Seat
Interviewer: I say you get out!
Banta Singh: You didn't say I come in
Interviewer: I reject you!
Banta Singh: You Appoint me
Interviewer: ...!!!!!!!
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Santa Singh: What is another difference between a mosquito and a fly?
Banta Singh: A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito
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Banta: When did George Washington die?
Santa: two days before his funeral.
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Banta: Tell me five FERROCIOUS animals you can think of.......
Santa: 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.
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Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in
a restricted area. the Judge asked him if he had anything to say in his
defence.
"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta Singh.
"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE"
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Santa Singh and Banta Singh were always boasting of their
parents achievements to each other.
Santa Singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta Singh : Yes I have.
Santa Singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta Singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?
Santa Singh : Yes I have.
Banta Si! ngh : Well, my father killed it.
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A surd goes to a barber shop wearing walkman headphones.
He tells the hair dresser: "Cut my hair please, but do not remove the head
phones."
The hair dresser does his job but needs to get under the
headphones to finish his
work. He removes the headphones thinking that the surd will never
even notice.
The surd falls to the floor, chokes, turn blue and dies.
The hairdresser picks up the headphones to see what he
was listening to and hears : "Breath in, Breath Out, Breath In, Breath
Out"
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Two surds go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
The first surd says: "I hope you will remember the spot where
we caught all those fish."
The Other Answers : Yes, I made an 'X" on the side of the boat to mark the
spot." "You idiot!" replies the first.
"How do you know we will get the same boat tommorow?"