Did you hear about the England soccer star who had a date with a referee's daughter?
She penalised him 3 times - for handling, interference and trying to pull off a jersey.
While a man went off to a soccer match one Saturday afternoon, his wife invited her lover over to their home. The lover turned up soon after in shorts and singlet.
The wife and her lover were happily talking on the sofa when they suddenly heard the husband coming through the front door.
Quick as a flash, the lover hid behind the TV set in the corner.
The husband came in and said, "it started to pour so i decided to come home and watch the second half on telly."
He switched on the TV and settled down to watch the game. After 20 minutes, the lover started to get severe cramps, so casting caution to the winds, he calmly got up from behind the set and walked out of the room.
The husband turned to his wife and said, "that's funny - i didn't see the ref send him off!"
You know football is taking over your life when:-
i) you video subbuteo games for post game analysis
ii) you refer to the sofa as a dugout
iii) you can remember the names of all the players who played in winning world cup teams but you can't recall your best friends' names.
After a visit to the doctor's, Joe, the city team's centre forward dropped in at the local pub for a quick one. "What's up mate?" asked his teammate Brian. "You look worried."
Joe replied, "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me i can't play football."
"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he?"
It was mid-way through the football season and a third division team were doing really badly. The manager decided to get the team together and go back to absolute basics. Picking up a football, he said,
"Right, lads, what I have in my hands is called a football, and the object of the game is..."
"Hang on a minute," came a shout, "you're going too fast."
The manager of a club way down at the bottom of the Third Division placed eleven dustbins in formation on the pitch and had his team practice dribbling around them and passing between them before shooting for goal.
After just one session he had to abandon this method of training for reasons of team morale: the dustbins won 6-0.
I'm not saying the manager is naive but...
Blindfolding the goalkeeper to calm his nerves during penalty shoot outs just isn't working
The 6-5-1 formation he put out last saturday was spotted by the referee straight away
Putting the ball boy on as a substitute is just asking for trouble
Footballing definitions
Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball.
Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around
Fans: Two sets of absusive referees
Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.
Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers
Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging layabout who only misses the goal when he is fed a bad ball
Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty area
Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into comitting fouls
"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been selected for the school football team."
"That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?"
"Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great draw-back."
Over breakfast one morning, a little boy kept staring intently at his grandfather. '1s anything the matter, son?' the old man asked.
'No, Gramps. I was just wondering what position you play in the football team.'
'What are. you talking about?' laughed Gramps. 'I'm far too old to play football.'
'Oh,' said the little. boy. 'It's just that Dad' said that when you kicked off, we'd be able to afford a new car.'