Jokes your mother never told you - Adults Only!
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Here are some 69 jokes I know:
There is a 68, that's when you do me and I owe you one.
There is a 71, that's a sixty-nine with your thumb up each others butt.
A 88 is a lesbian act. Because it is like a 69, but you get eight (ate) twice.
A 70 is a 69 for gay men because there is an extra unit involved.
6.9 is a good thing interupted by a period. -
Question 1: Why is the "69" position is also called the "smokers position?"
Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.
Question 2: Why sperm donation is more expensive rather than blood
donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!
Question 3: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Answer : Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if
it
doesn't come means you are in big trouble.
Question 4: What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer : It's Virginia because it can only accomodate 1 standing occupant
and left 2 baggages outside!
An old man married a young girl. On wedding night he showed five fingers to
his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start.
Man 1 : My wife is obsess with cars. while asleep, she holds my bird say
1st gear, 2nd gear.
Man 2 : My wife is worst, she puts my bird inside her and say "Full Tank"
please.
2 prostitutes (bitches) were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
bit*h 1 : I smell sperm!!
bit*h 2 : Sorry, I burped!! -
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In Writing 101, the instructor told the class most popular type of writings dealt with either religion, royalty, sex or mystery.
For his first essay, Ah Kow turned in the following:
“Oh my God!”, said the Queen, “I’m pregnant. I wonder whose it could be.” -
A man's walking late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, so he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them---it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," he answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know," says the cop.
"Well, neither did I until you shined that light in her face." -
Read the story first then open the picture.....
Last week I was with one of my summer interns in the lobby when a
receptionist complained that her printer wasn't working. The intern
horsed around with it and discovered a pen stuck inside the printer.
He started to jam his fingers down into the printer to get the pen, but I told him we didn't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.
So he grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in and says he was
just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
This is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to....................... -
Where is the image?Originally posted by willow:Read the story first then open the picture.....
Last week I was with one of my summer interns in the lobby when a
receptionist complained that her printer wasn't working. The intern
horsed around with it and discovered a pen stuck inside the printer.
He started to jam his fingers down into the printer to get the pen, but I told him we didn't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.
So he grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in and says he was
just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
This is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to....................... -
Miss Singapore
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question
incorrectly, you are disqualified.
Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CHEOW !
Judge: ?????????!!!! -
Jack comes home from school with a great big smile on his face.
His mom asks him, “Why was he so happy?”
Jack replies, "I just had sex today!"
Well this does not sit well with mom, she immediately begins shouting at Jack, telling him at 14 he has no business having sex! She tells him to go to his room and to wait for his dad to come home. When dad finally arrives, mom fills him in. She asks him to go upstairs and to have a chat with Jack.
He knocks on the door and proceeds to go in.
"Hey Jack, your mom tells me you had sex today?"
"Yes," replies Jack sadly.
Dad looks around the room and whispers to him, "Hey, way to go, son! Your Dad is very, very proud. But if your mom asks what we talked about just tell her it was guy stuff."
The next day, dad shares the news with all his coworkers, bragging that at the age of 14 his son is a man!
When dad goes home that night, he kisses his wife and runs straight upstairs to see Jack. "Hey Jack! Did you have sex today again, son?"
Jack replies "No dad...my ass still hurts from yesterday." -
Things you'll never hear a woman say
1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper, too. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
3. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
4. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
5. Bar food again!? Kick ass!
6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
7. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
8. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
9. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
10. Honey,! come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Jennifer's bare ass.
11. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
12. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
13. dam! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
14. You are so much smarter than my father.
15. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.
16. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
17. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
18. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
19. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
20. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
21. I'll be out painting the house.
22. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to ride.
23. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
24. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
25. Your mother is way better than mine.
26. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something.
27. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire?
28. Look! My ass is fatter than yours. -
Just to be fair, what you won't hear men say...
1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our relationship.
6. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
7. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
8. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
9. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
10. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
11. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
12. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
13. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't look at them any more.
14. I understand.
15. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
16. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
17. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
18. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!
19. Happy Anniversary!
20. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
21. Let's talk. I miss talking.
22. Gay men have rights too!
23. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
24. Are you losing weight, sweetie? -
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David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone could show him a trick heÂ’s never seen before.
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."
"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her panties and starts doing her from behind.
David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's fucking magic." -
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Once upon a time, there was a man, Chin Chee Hong, living in a kampung who was full of energy. Everyday he must have sex at least once. Being single & 25 years old, he had to look for prostitutes. So everyday, he would go to a brothel in his village at pay $100 for the service. He is very happy with his life style until he was retrenched by his company.
Now, life must go on, sex also must go on for Chee Hong. One fine day, Chee Hong was at the doorstep of the brothel where he saw the pimp. The pimp smiled & said:"Chee Hong, come leh, you regular customer, today give you 20% discount." But Chee Hong who is jobless, has only $13 in his pocket. The urge was intense and so he said:"Eh, Beng ah, today I left with $13 only, how? Can help me? I BEY TA HAN!" The pimp thought for a while & said:"OK, Chee Hong give me $10. Go straight to that room on the right.She is waiting for u. You can ramp until you satisfied." So Chee Hong went in and opens the door. To his astonishment, he saw a big turtle lying on the floor. Unable to endure his urge, Chee Hong got no choice but to make love to the poor turtle. He finished & went home.
The next day, Chee Hong came to the brothel again & looked for the pimp Ah Beng again. "Beng ah, today I am left with $3. The urge is here again. I beg you to help me." The pimp thought for a while & said:" OK, friend friend so long, gimme the $3. Go to the last room on the left." Chee Hong went in & opened the door. To his astonishment, he saw abt 6 to 7 men peeping thru the wall & masturbating. He went closer to the wall & peeped thru a small hole.
To his amazement, he saw a naked man making love to a female dog in the next room. Chee Hong laughed very loudly while enjoying the scene. "Ah...ha ha ha aha ha, wow, shiok man, pay $3 can see this type of solid show, so funny."
He was very amused. The man standing next to him said: "Yesterday, more solid, we all pay only 50 cents to see one stupid fellow having sex with a big turtle. That one, lagi shiok!!!" -
A China pumpkin girl was visiting New York, went into a
worldwide message centre wanting to send an urgent, important
message to her mother in China.
The Italian guy at the counter told her it would cost around
US$100/=. She exclaimed, " I don't have that kind of money, but I will do anything to get a message to my mother in China !
"The Italian smiled, arched an eyebrow and asked, " Anything?"
"Yes, I promise...anything!" she said.
With that, the Italian said, "Follow me."
He led her to the next room and said, "Come in and close
the door." "Get down on your knees!" he ordered. She did.
"Unzip me!" he said.
She did. Then he said,
"Go on...take it out."
She did and grabbed it with both hands excitedly.
The Italian closed his eyes and whispered,
"Go ahead girl, what are you waiting for ?" Ms China
a pumpkin girl slowly brought her lips closer and said loudly,
"Hello....hello Ah Mah!!!..can you hear me?" -
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and a young sister, Jane Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun instructed. Sister Jane was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked sister Jane how the bath went. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when father john was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Jane continued, "And Father John said that if the key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of GOD would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
It did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!" -
A man and his wife go on a honeymoon vacation for their 25th
anniversary. At the hotel, as the couple reflected on that magical
evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw
my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out,
and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife seductively undressed, she asked, "What are you
thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." -
A Japanese exchange student sat in a science classroom, totally stumped at a question on the final exam.
The question asked: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, thinking he could not use personal experience. Suddenly, he smiled, remembering some things he has overheard his mother say. He wrote:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
He still needed a fourth answer. He tried to put himself in the place of a child, but that didn't work. Suddenly, he smiled again. He wrote as the final answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He sat back, considering how proud his friends would be for their genius friend who lived overseas. -
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "****ing Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" -
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
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A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."
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A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three." "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was drunk."
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"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
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A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"
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One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hayshed. He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove." So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
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One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" -
A man gets sent to prison. As soon as he walks in his cell, his huge, scary-looking cellmate says to him, "We're gonna play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"
After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers, "Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy."
"OK," his cellmate says, "then get over here and suck mommy's dick."