Jokes your mother never told you - Adults Only!
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Annabelle was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.
"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.
"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore." -
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us." -
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?"
She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf." -
Sex Jokes - Page 1
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Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.
As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."
When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.
They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table.
Nobody says nothing.
He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.
He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.
Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."
A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.
"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.
"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."
Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password.
It's her turn to guess the word.
Voice Over: And the password is. . . black dick!
Nancy: Um. . . is it a place?
Her partner: No.
Nancy: Is it a person?
Her partner: No.
Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something I might want to eat?
Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe.
Nancy: Is it black dick?
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?"
She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
A man wants to introduce his nephew to the game of sex. The young man is worried that he might not do it right so his uncle comes up with a plan.
The young man will get a hooker, wine her and dine her, then take her back to his apartment for a night of pleasure. The uncle will be in the bedroom closet so if the boy has a problem, he can shout it out, and from the closet will come the answer about what to do.
That night everything is going according to the plan. When they get back to the apartment the hooker gets into bed while the young man goes to the bathroom to put on a condom. The hooker suddenly gets a cramp and must go to the bathroom now! She feels around the bed and grabs an empty shoe box and takes a big dump in it.
Now here comes the young man walking in the dark room. He steps in the shoe box and shouts out, "There's shit in the box, there's shit in the box .
From the closet comes the reply, "Then roll her over!"
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head." -
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again. -
Reminds me of Tiger Shows
Sex Jokes - Page 2
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One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch.
The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."
The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?"
There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch.
The first women said, "My husband can get his whole hand up me".
The second lady said, "My husband can get his whole head up me".
The third lady slid down the bar stool.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
A woman walking past a shop sees an advert in the window.
"Good home wanted for clitoris licking frog."
She goes inside and says to the guy behind the counter, "I've come about the clitoris licking frog."
"Oui madame," the assistant says.
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"
A mangy redneck youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing that night's dinner.
"Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" asks the slack-jawed youth.
"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."
"Well sure," responds the youth's mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.
About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy.
Ten minutes later the boy returns once again asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.
"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" asks the boy's mother.
"Well Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn't wait to get it in cider."
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "I just thought you might like to open those beers first." -
A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. There was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years even that stopped.
He was always preparing for the day when he would be saved. One morning he saw a ship turn into the cove and he quickly ran to the woodpile and started it afire. He then threw wet seaweed on top and the smoke was bellowing high in the air. All of a sudden the ship starts to come his way.
He gets all excited and thinks I am finally going to be saved. The first thing I want is to take a hot shower - then they are going to give me some clothes and I am going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She will start to take off her clothes and she will be wearing red satin panties, and I will rub them.
With this, he starts to get an erection; he slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker and yells, "Ha, Ha, Ha - I LIED ABOUT THE SHIP." -
Sex Jokes - Page 2
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One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch.
The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."
The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?"
There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch.
The first women said, "My husband can get his whole hand up me".
The second lady said, "My husband can get his whole head up me".
The third lady slid down the bar stool.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
A woman walking past a shop sees an advert in the window.
"Good home wanted for clitoris licking frog."
She goes inside and says to the guy behind the counter, "I've come about the clitoris licking frog."
"Oui madame," the assistant says.
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"
A mangy redneck youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing that night's dinner.
"Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" asks the slack-jawed youth.
"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."
"Well sure," responds the youth's mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.
About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy.
Ten minutes later the boy returns once again asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.
"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" asks the boy's mother.
"Well Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn't wait to get it in cider."
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "I just thought you might like to open those beers first."
A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. There was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years even that stopped.
He was always preparing for the day when he would be saved. One morning he saw a ship turn into the cove and he quickly ran to the woodpile and started it afire. He then threw wet seaweed on top and the smoke was bellowing high in the air. All of a sudden the ship starts to come his way.
He gets all excited and thinks I am finally going to be saved. The first thing I want is to take a hot shower - then they are going to give me some clothes and I am going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She will start to take off her clothes and she will be wearing red satin panties, and I will rub them.
With this, he starts to get an erection; he slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker and yells, "Ha, Ha, Ha - I LIED ABOUT THE SHIP."
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"
As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said...
"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says." -
This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once, I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."
So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X" and says, "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
The guy says "gimmee 3 boxes".
Same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's organ is black & blue, the skin's hanging off in places. The man says, "Gimmee a bottle of medicated oil."
To which the pharmacist replies "medicated oil? You're not going to put medicated oil on that are you?"
The guy says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up". -
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.
"How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.
"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"
"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!" -
A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy.
The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?"
The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."
The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick." -
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard, or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was actually quite desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she said. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello," the ugly fat man said. "My name's Cess!" -
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "this is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.... The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.... So he is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?" -
The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?" -
A traveler stops in an unfamilar city at the first tavern that he happens past. He stops in for a drink and happens to notice that he is the only male in the place...
He see two rather beautiful young women together and decides to send them both over a drink...
One of the pair comes up to him shortly thereafter and says in a sultry voice, "Would you like to smell my girlfriend's pussy?"
"Sure!" the man replies.
"Here...." as she blows into his face. -
Sex Jokes - Page 5
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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beaufiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans overe to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Peirre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers. "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I do down, I go down in flames!"
Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"
The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the misses and I have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating. "
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"
The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, how did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"
The other guy says, "So.... she bit my cock, shit on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! " -
There's this woman who's got divorced and is getting a tad bored, so she decides to put an ad in the paper to get a new man.
It goes something like this:
WANTED - MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH. MUST HAVE FOLLOWING QUALITIES:
1. WILL NEVER RUN AWAY
2. WON'T BEAT ME UP
3. MUST BE GOOD AT SEX
After 6 months of letters and calls which are crap and useless, she gets a ring on her doorbell. There's this bloke lying on her doormat with no arms and legs.
"What do you want?" she asks.
"Well" he says "I'm answering your ad. I've got no legs, so I can't run away and I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up."
"What about the sex?" she says.
"How do you think I rang the doorbell!" -
Sex Jokes - Page 5
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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beaufiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans overe to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Peirre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers. "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I do down, I go down in flames!"
Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"
The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the misses and I have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating. "
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"
The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, how did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"
The other guy says, "So.... she bit my cock, shit on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "
A boy walks in to a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The woman behind the counter says, "How old are you son?"
The boy replies, "I'm nine years old, and I want to fuck a prostitute."
The woman is a bit shocked, but answers politely, "I'm sorry son, but you're too young."
To this the boy slaps $200 on to the table.
"She'll be waiting in the first room on the right, up the stairs."
"I want a girl with active herpes."
"I'm sorry son, but I just can't do that for you," the woman tells the boy. The boy slaps another $200 on the table.
"She'll be waiting in the second room on the left, up the stairs."
So the boy walks up the stairs, dragging the frog behind him. About half an hour later, the boy comes back down the stairs, still dragging the frog.
Now the woman has been thinking about the boy for the last half hour, so she says to him, "I have a few questions before you go kid. First, what's with the dead frog, second, where did you get the money, and finally, why a girl with herpes?"
The boy replies, "Now I've got herpes. When I get home, I'll fuck the baby sitter and she'll get it. My dad will screw her when he drops her home and he'll get it. My dad will then shag my mom, and she'll get it, and then my mom will fuck the milkman, and he's the bastard who ran over my frog!!!"
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official look s over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
There's this woman who's got divorced and is getting a tad bored, so she decides to put an ad in the paper to get a new man.
It goes something like this:
WANTED - MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH. MUST HAVE FOLLOWING QUALITIES:
1. WILL NEVER RUN AWAY
2. WON'T BEAT ME UP
3. MUST BE GOOD AT SEX
After 6 months of letters and calls which are crap and useless, she gets a ring on her doorbell. There's this bloke lying on her doormat with no arms and legs.
"What do you want?" she asks.
"Well" he says "I'm answering your ad. I've got no legs, so I can't run away and I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up."
"What about the sex?" she says.
"How do you think I rang the doorbell!"
This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won.
After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.
"Now, down to business," he says. "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What? That's outrageous."
"Come over here," she says walking towards one of the windows. "See that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good."
"All right, screw it, money is no object."
A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.
"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"
"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00"
"What? That's outrageous."
"Come over here," she says walking towards another one of the windows. "See that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window? "I own that. I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good."
"All right, what the hell, it's only money." The guy gives her $5000.00
An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.
"My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a pussy I would own this whole city............"
Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench. The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL!
The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old lady had a little stroke.
The third little old lady would have had a stroke................
but her arms weren't quite long enough. -
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do.
She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."
So she plays it while he screws her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."
The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?" -
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out? -
An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...
u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we have a bit of a problem with your husband."
wife.. "What's wrong?"
u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and, basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."
wife.. "Well, what can you do?"
u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than standard but it will cost you an extra $500."
wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the problem which is a little less expensive?"
The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.
u/t.. "We could remove his penis."
wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."
u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his rectum."
wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I want to see the body immediately before the funeral."
u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."
Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for the last time.
She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody hurts, doesn't it?" -
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling," she replied.
And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You know....... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!" -
I know it's quite a bad joke, but this one just makes me laugh:
Q. Why do women douche?
A. Because they can't get their pussies to go
'Haaaaawwwwk . . . .THOO!' -
A woman police officer pulled over a man for DUI and said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk replied, "Your tits." -
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and, as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That still wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the nuns stood up.