General Humour
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Came across a couple of jokes, so decided to share it with you guys. Here's the first one, which just tickles the corny side of my warped sense of humour:
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," said the vet.
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Here's the second one, which I might try using one day... hehehe... feel free to add on:
A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual.
"You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."
"Why would I come in second?" the browbeaten husband asked.
"Because you're an idiot!" -
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch". -
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."
He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'" -
A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."
The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"
The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money." -
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN" ...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT" ...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS" ...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY" ...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN" ...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT" ...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE" ...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE" ...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES" ...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT" ...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT" ...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS" ...
Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS" ...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA" ...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS" ...
I don't understand it ... and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES" ...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY" ...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD" ...
I am pleased to feed you bulls---. -
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.
3A. In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, we ask that you answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
(Answer) I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.
I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college. -
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. -
Rules Cats Live By
Bathrooms:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
Doors:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season.
Chairs and rugs:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
Hampering:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" -- otherwise known as "hampering." Rules for hampering: 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted; 2) for book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself; 3) for paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least, pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen; 4) for people paying bills or working on income taxes or holiday cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper!; 5) when a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper; 6) when a human is working at the computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
Walking:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
Bedtime:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
Litter Box:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
Hiding: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic, thinking you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, you will probably get a treat.
One last thought: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially his/her face, turn around, and present your butt. Don't forget guests. -
Moods of a Woman:
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll give you her change, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
Moods of a Man:
Horny
Hungry -
The Man Code
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a woman, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is five minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up together, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant others --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'." Then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.
27. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.
28. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "leave me alone!" you are absolved of your responsibility. -
Things You'd Love to Say at Work, but Can't:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
19. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
20. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
21. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
22. And your crybaby whiny-ass opinion would be ... ?
23. Do I look like a people person?
24. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
25. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
35. Chaos, panic & disorder, my work here is done.
36. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
37. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. -
My personal Favourite!
Possibly the Very Best Chicken Joke Yet:
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard, a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit irritated, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!" -
Scientists at Health Canada recently reported the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men cease their beer consumption. Their theory is that drinking beer turns men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men:
-- gained weight,
-- talked excessively without making sense,
-- became overly emotional,
-- couldn't drive,
-- failed to think rationally,
-- argued over nothing,
-- had to sit down to pee,
-- and refused to apologize when wrong. -
This pretty much sums up why I bought a mac
A car is driving down the road. It contains an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. After travelling a few miles without incident, the car loses its momentum and rolls to a silent stop. Sensing some kind of problem, the electrical engineer announces: "I think there's a problem with the wiring. I'm going to take the dashboard off and check the connections under the bonnet."
"I disagree" replies the chemical engineer, "I think there's a chemical imbalance in the petrol. Let me take a sample of the petrol and I'll do some tests on it and see if the problem lies there."
"I have an even better idea" suggests the Microsoft engineer. "Let's close the windows, get out, get back in again, re-open the windows and then see if it runs!" -
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking, I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XP CD. To my surprise, he threw it into my microwave oven and turned it on.
Instantly I got very upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes, he took the CD out, gave it to me, and said: "Take a close look at it."
To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold, and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first, I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole, I saw an inscription -- an inscription finer than anything I had ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78 BEDE820945092OF923A40EElOE5IOCC98D444AA08E324.
"I cannot understand the fiery letters," I said in a timid voice.
"No, but I can," he said. "The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says: "One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
"It is only two lines from a verse long known in System lore:
Three OS's from corporate kings in their towers of glass;
Seven from valley lords where orchards used to grow;
Nine from dotcoms doomed to die;
One from the Dark Lord Gates on his dark throne
in the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.
One OS to rule them all, one OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them,
in the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie."
(Apologies to the shade of J.R.R. Tolkien) -
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order.
6) The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one.
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen in the near future.
11) Eleven pipers piping and 12 drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line.
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over 12 days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("13 lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. -
Dear Ms. Ezell:
Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
Marc Taylor
[/b] -
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here. All we have are architects. Everything looks pretty, but nothing works."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" -
Baby Gates and Microsoft
For the first time in, oh, a decade, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, 8 pounds, 6 ounces, was downloaded, er, born back on Friday, April 26, 1996, at 6:11 p.m. What did Baby Gates and daddy's products have in common?
1. Neither could stand on its own two feet without a lot of third-party support.
2. Both barfed all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support wouldn't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceded them.
5. At first release they were relatively compact, but they seemed to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrived in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it took several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill got the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least a year, they sucked. -
(#1)
Rules for buying a man a gift:
Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK." "By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear-view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild.
Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink—they are earthy.
Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include any big name hardware, tire, lumber and home improvement stores. (Any auto-parts store is also a great men's store. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook—but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh, the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11: Tickets to a baseball, football or ice hockey game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why—please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like 100 feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
(#2)
The Secrets of Women's Language : Keywords and their meaning.
Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine."
Go ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "nothing" and will end with the word "fine."
Go ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine" and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
Loud sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing."
Soft sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and "go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
That's okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's okay" is often used with the word "fine" and used in conjunction with a raised-eyebrow "go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "that's okay."
Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
Thanks a lot: This is much different than "thanks." A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "loud sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing." -
Wah, contribute also don't need to vommit all out like that mah!!
Anyway, the following joke I received is purely fictional. Any relation to any person is purely coincidental...
"What do you think about getting a puppy?" the wife asked her husband.
"What?" he replied.
"A puppy... Something new and small to love," she continued. "My mothering instinct is taking over."
"'Mothering instinct'? 'Mothering instinct?'" the husband repeated incredulously. "Mother me, damn it! Learn how to cook!" -
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essence with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
G. W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George." -
Originally posted by Shadow_R:
Tsk Tsk
Wah, contribute also don't need to vommit all out like that mah!!
Anyway, the following joke I received is purely fictional. Any relation to any person is purely coincidental...
[b]"What do you think about getting a puppy?" the wife asked her husband.
"What?" he replied.
"A puppy... Something new and small to love," she continued. "My mothering instinct is taking over."
"'Mothering instinct'? 'Mothering instinct?'" the husband repeated incredulously. "Mother me, damn it! Learn how to cook!"
[/b] -
An old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?"
"Right here at your side, my love."
"And my son, Moishe...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my son, Abraham...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"What, none of you assholes are minding the store?"