Football humour
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Q. What's the similarity between Manchester United and a 3-pin plug?
A. They're both useless in Europe.
Q.What's the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?
A. The Man U bus has more pricks!
Q. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. (I) Three. One to change the light bulb, one to buy the "1999 light bulb changing" commemorative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.
A. (II) Who cares, so long as it comes out in 4 different versions (£49.99 each), and changes twice every season?
Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support. -
Hesky
A young autograph hunter was really chuffed when he got Emil Hesky's autograph after a match. The following week he accosted Hesky once more and got his autograph, and after the next game he tried to get it yet again.
"Look here," said Hesky, "this is the third time you've asked for my autograph. What's going on?"
"Well," said the young man, "if I can get eight more of yours, I can swap them for one of Michael Owen's."
Stan Collymore
Q. How does Stan Collymore change a light bulb?
A. He holds it in the air and the world revolves around him.
Q. What's the difference between Stan Collymore and God?
A. God doesn't think he's Stan Collymore.
A father and son were eating breakfast. The father's newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £8 million." The son asked, "Is he worth it dad?"
To which the father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"
The son said "Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Stan Collymore, and he was useless!"
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Did they really say that!
"Barcelona... a club with a stadium that seats 120,000 people. And they're all here in Newcastle tonight!"
"Ronaldo is always very close to being either onside or offside."
"We were a little bit outnumbered there, it was two against two."
"Julian Dicks is everywhere, it's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."
"You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them into chronological order."
"Robert Lee was able to do some running on his groin for the first time."
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
"I'm not a believer in luck but I do believe you need it."
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack... will you stay in football?"
"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."
"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..."
"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day"
"I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left-winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..."
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."
"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals."
"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian
Wright at Arsenal..."
"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..."
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their
legs ...
"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goal post's eyes."
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."
"The lads really ran their socks into the ground."
"He [Brian liaudrup] wasn't just facing one defender - he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well."
"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals."
"an excellent player, but he [Ian Wright] does have a black side."
"We say 'educated left foot', of course, there are many players with educated right foots."
"That's twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the goal."
"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him...
"Gary "Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps."
"And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other tine since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."
"...and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string..." d v`
"I never make predictions and I never will."
"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."
"...and the news from Guadalajara, where the temperature is % degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."
"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."
"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."
"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years."
"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet."
"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame."
"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."
"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."
"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him.
"The "The shot from Laws was precise but wide."
"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."
"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."
"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them."
"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun'."
"You have got to miss them to score sometimes."
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."
"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."
"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."
"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds."
"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on."
"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their
opponent's goal."
"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have
had no chances and scored twice. and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record.
"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."
"In comparison, there's no comparison."
"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."
"Mirandinha, will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together."
"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."
"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow."
"Certain people are FOR me and certain people are PRO me."
"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."
"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."
"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they will go places."
"Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm with his left foot."
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
"What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio."
"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent."
"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head."
"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball ....they must have seen something that nobody else did."
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different."
"Glenn Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson."
"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs."
"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place, play for the same club, and were discovered by the same man."
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip."
"I don't think there- is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona."
"jimmy: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through? Terry: "I think it's 50-50."
"I was disappointed to leave Spurs, but quite pleased I did."
'Their manager, terry Neil, isn't here today, which suggests he is elsewhere.' (Brian Moore)
'With the very last kick of the game, Bobby McDonald scored with a header.' (Alan Parry)
'Well, it's Ipswich nil, Liverpool two, and if that's the way the score stays then you've got to fancy Liverpool to win.' (Peter Jones)
'Bolton are on the crest of a slump.' (Anon)
'You couldn't have counted the number of moves Alan Ball made . . . I counted four and possibly five.' (John Motson)
'When one team scores early in the game, it often takes an early lead.' (Pat Marsden)
'And Meade had a hat-trick. He scored two goals.' (Richard Whitmore)
'I am a firm believer that if you score one goal, the other team have to score two to win.' (Howard Wilkinson)
'Ian Rush unleashed his left foot and it hit the back of the net.' (Mike England)
'It will be a shame if either side lose. And that applies to both sides.' (Jock Brown)
'It was a good, match which could have gone either way and very nearly did.' aim Sherwin)
'He had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long over it.' (Martin Tyler)
'Everything in our favour was against us.' (Danny Blanchflower)
'Nearly all the Brazilian players are wearing yellow shirts. It's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour.' (John Motson)
'And so they have not been able to improve on their hundred percent record.' (Sports Roundup) -
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ok to be fair, here's one about spurs
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Russ and Rick beware!
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When is our anniversary
Maureen had had enough of Tim's obsession. "Football, football, football!" she moaned, "that's all you ever talk about. It's your whole life. You never take me out. You never buy me presents. You're either at a match or watching one on the box. I bet you can't even remember when our wedding anniversary is."
"Yes, I can," her husband retorted, "it's the same date that Real Madrid beat Manchester United in the Cup-Winners' Cup."
It's all your fault
At the height of Eric Cantona's fame with Manchester United, the manager buys a Bosnian striker for their second team. Although he plays well, he goes virtually unnoticed until Eric Cantona decides to return to France, leaving a terrible gap in the side.
The manager decides to try the Bosnian out in one first team game and is delighted when he plays brilliant football and gets three goals. After the game everyone congratulates the Bosnian and the manager offers him a full contract and a huge salary.
The Bosnian is thrilled and says, "I must phone my mother to tell her the. good news."
When he gets through to his mother she says; "Well, son, I have bad news for you - your father was out foraging for food and was shot dead. Your brother went out after him to try to find out what happened and to seek some recompense - he was badly beaten and had both his legs broken, and this is ALL YOUR FAULT!"
The Bosnian is shocked and says, "How is this my fault? I had nothing to do with it!" But his mother replies, "If it weren't for you, we wouldn't be in Manchester in the first place!" -
cuda
Which team (if any) do you follow? I'm just curious.
I've been a liverpool fan all my life. -
Tottenham Hotspurs, all my life tooOriginally posted by harmzuay:cuda
Which team (if any) do you follow? I'm just curious.
I've been a liverpool fan all my life.
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that's jae's fave team too. haha
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harmzuay,Originally posted by harmzuay:cuda
Which team (if any) do you follow? I'm just curious.
I've been a liverpool fan all my life.
You've got good taste!
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Why don't you email me the pics instead.Originally posted by bara_cuda:Russ and Rick beware!
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okOriginally posted by Shadow_R:Why don't you email me the pics instead. -
The pictures should appear now. Happy viewing.
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Are football players just more injury prone than the rest of us?
Santiago Canizares, Spain's No.1 goalkeeper, dropped a bottle of after-shave on his foot at home this May, in the same moment severing an artery and ruling himself out of this summer's World Cup Finals.
Arsenal's Steve Morrow was cavorting around the Wembley pitch after scoring the winning goal against Sheffield Wednesday in the 1993 League Cup Final when he was hoisted into the air by team captain Tony Adams. Unable to match the dexterity of Morrow's twinkling footwork, Adams then dropped his team-mate over his shoulder, breaking Morrow's arm.
Portsmouth striker John Durnin crashed his golf buggy into a fairway hollow. He was out for six weeks with a dislocated elbow.
In 1998, Robbie Keane damaged his ankle when he trod on his TV remote controller.
In 1996, 21-year-old Danish goalkeeper Michael Stensgaard's Liverpool career came to an end after dislocating a shoulder as he tried to stop an ironing board from falling over.
Aston Villa's Alan Wright was forced to sell his £50,000 Ferrari because it was keeping him off the pitch. He said: 'The accelerator's position meant my right leg was bent slightly and my knee was giving me grief.' He swapped the Ferrari for a Rover 416.
Arsenal knew Charlie George was daft even before he lost a toe while mowing the lawn.
Mike Bennett, goalkeeper for Bristol team St Philip's, made no attempt to save a shot during the 1989/90 season. It was discovered he was suffering from hypothermia.
Chic Brodie, Brentford goalie in the Sixties, was bowled over by a dog on the pitch. His injuries virtually ended his career.
Three Fulham players complained of blistering after playing Ashford Town in an FA Cup tie. The rain-washed pitch had been re-marked at half-time with lime.
In the Balkans, Milan Rapaic of Hajduk Split missed the start of the 1995/96 season after sticking his boarding-pass in his eye at an airport.
In 1995, Indonesian player Mistar was killed by pigs that overran a pitch where his team were training before a cup tie.
Chelsea goalkeeper Dave Beasant missed the first months of the 1992/93 season after dropping a jar of salad cream on his right foot and severing the tendon in the big toe. Chelsea manager Ian Porterfield wasn't surprised.
Yorkshireman David Seaman betrayed county loyalty in 1995 and pulled a muscle in his back while reaching for the remote in order to tape Coronation Street.
Imre Varadi, the man of more clubs than Jack Nicklaus, injured his back shovelling snow in a neighbour's drive while at Leeds.
Shortly after Allan Nielsen moved to Tottenham in 1996, he was forced to miss three games after his new-born daughter poked him in the eye.
Fergie wouldn't be too happy if Rio Ferdinand repeated his couch potato routine of missing three matches 18 months ago after watching TV with his foot up on the coffee table in the same position for several hours. He strained a tendon behind his knee.
Paul Gascoigne - who else? - was ruled out of a Lazio match in 1993 when he strained his thigh getting out of bed one morning.
Scotland Under 21 captain Gary Naysmith fell down a manhole during a game against Bosnia. He said: 'I was taking a long throw when I stood on the drain cover and it disappeared under my feet.'
Roy Keane should watch out. An earlier Old Trafford legend, goalkeeper Alex Stepney, once dislocated his jaw shouting at his own defenders.
England spinner Phil Edmonds, never one to shun the wilder side of cricket life, ricked his back climbing out of his car at Lord's.
At least golfer Sam Torrance was unaware of the damage he was inflicting upon himself. Europe's current Ryder Cup captain injured his chest while sleepwalking.
Fellow golfer Per-Ulrik Johannson was awake if careless when he broke his finger playing table-tennis during the 1995 English Open.
There are plenty of possibilities for hurting yourself with darts, but most involve the darts themselves. However, local player Derek Hills managed to tear his arm and wrist ligaments getting in the pints during a 24-hour darts marathon at the Armoury pub in Yeovil, Somerset. The match was abandoned. -
When the manager who helped Man Ure win numerous trophies died, his office received a lot of calls. Five secretaries handled the calls of condolences and bereavement inquiries. Of course, there were some callers who also called asking for the manager himself, apparently not aware of his demise.
Despite her busyness, one of the secretaries actually noticed something peculiar.
*** Ring Ring ***
Secretary: “Alex Ferguson’s office, Gladys speaking, how may I help you?”
Caller:“I’d like to speak to the manager, please.”
Secretary:“I’m sorry to inform you, sir, that he passed away last night.”
Caller:“Oh, I see. Thank you.” (hung up)
*** (later) Ring Ring ***
Secretary: “Alex Ferguson’s office, Gladys speaking, how may I help you?”
Caller:“I’d like to speak to the manager, please.”
Secretary:“I’m sorry to inform you, sir, that he passed away last night.”
Caller:“Oh, I see. Thank you.” (hung up)
*** (later) Ring Ring ***
Secretary: “Alex Ferguson’s office, Gladys speaking, how may I help you?”
Caller:“I’d like to speak to the manager, please.”
Secretary:“I’m sorry to inform you, sir, that he passed away last night.”
(gradually recognising the callerÂ’s voice)
Caller:“Oh, I see. Thank you.” (hung up)
*** (later) Ring Ring ***
Secretary: “Alex Ferguson’s office, Gladys speaking, how may I help you?”
Caller:“I’d like to speak to the manager, please.”
Secretary:“I’m sorry to inform you, sir, that he passed away last night.”
Caller:“Oh, I see. Thank you.” (before he could hang up)
Secretary:“Sir, did you call before today?”
Caller:“Yes, I did.”
Secretary:“Were you not informed that the Sir Alex Ferguson passed away last night?”
Caller:“Yes, I was.”
Secretary (annoyed):“Then you don’t get it, do you, no matter how many times you call, there will be no change in the Sir Alex Ferguson’s condition. He will still be dead.”
Caller:“Yes, I got that. What you don’t understand is how happy it makes me to hear that.” (click) -
God is fair
